Bob Hartman - Off the Wall Bible Tales

Text copyright 2015 Bob Hartman Illustrations copyright 2015 Woody Fox This edition copyright 2015 Lion Hudson The right of Bob Hartman to be identified as the author and of Woody Fox to be identified as the illustrator of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Published by Lion Childrens Books
an imprint of
Lion Hudson plc
Wilkinson House, Jordan Hill Road,
Oxford OX2 8DR, England
www.lionhudson.com/lionchildrens ISBN 978 0 7459 6556 7
e-ISBN 978 0 7459 6822 3 First edition 2015 A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Bob Hartman knows how to captivate an audience, and regularly entertains children and adults around the world as a performance storyteller. He is perhaps best known for the widely acclaimed Lion Storyteller Bible. When he is not writing, Bob enjoys making music, reading about classic cars, and entertaining his grandchildren.

CONTENTS INTRODUCTION When I teach people how to tell stories, one of the things I always mention is playfulness. Playfulness in the act of telling and also in the creation of the retelling. I think thats particularly important with Bible stories, because the assumption of the audience is that a Bible story will likely be serious, moral-laden, preachy, and dull. So when I retell Bible stories, I look for elements in the stories that counter those stereotypes. And, guess what, they are not hard to find. There is wonder.

And there is adventure. And there is lots and lots of humour. Focusing on those elements does not diminish the importance or the message of the story. On the contrary; by getting the reader or listener to laugh and wonder, it opens them up to the truth within. The stories in this book are all examples of my attempt to play with the Bible. The play takes different forms, depending on the story.

Sometimes its in the repetition. Sometimes its in the characters. Sometimes (as in the case of the Creation story) it comes from asking a simple question of the story. If God spoke the world into existence, what words might he have used? I think that you and your children will get the most out of these stories if you receive them with that intent in mind if you see the Bible as a book to be enjoyed, and asked questions of, and mined for humour. A book to be played with. IT ALL STARTS HERE Genesis 12 At first everything was dark. IT ALL STARTS HERE Genesis 12 At first everything was dark.

And everything was quiet. SHHHH. Not a whisper. Not a peep. Not a sound. So God cried, Light! Everything went bright.

And he separated the day from the night. God gurgled, Sea. Gently sighed, A Pale Blue Sky. Then chuckled, Heavens! in wonder and there they were. God bellowed next, Earth! deep and loud and strong. And out of the deep the mountains rose and the dry land followed along.

Bloom! God boomed. And plants and trees and bushes shot up from the ground. Then, from their stalks and stems and branches, sprang flowers and fruit. He shouted, Shining Sun! He howled, Harvest Moooooon. And when he sang, Stars, they tinkled and twinkled in tune. God glugged and chattered and splashed, and a seaful of fish burst through the waves, flipping and flapping in return.

Then God chirped and quacked and shrieked, and a skyful of birds appeared in answer, echoing back his call. And when he roared and baaed and mooed and mewed, the animals sprang forth and joined his roaring chorus. Just one more thing to do, God thought. And he looked at the dust and whispered, Hello, Man! He looked again and whispered, Hello, Woman! as friendly as you like. And when they stood up to greet him, God said, This world is for you. Its noisy, but its good.

Fill it with children. And take care of it for me. And then, his work done, God rested and smiled and said, Aaaaah! LAUGHTER Genesis 12, 15, 1718, 21 Abraham! God called. Oh, Abraham! And Abraham did what you do when God calls your name. He said, Yes, Lord? Abraham, God said. Oh, Abraham.

I want to make you the father of a very special family. I want to give you more children than there are stars in the sky. I want to give you more children than there are grains of sand on the seashore. And your children, Abraham, your children will bless the whole world! Abraham was more than a little surprised by this. He was seventy-five years old, you see. And his wife, Sarah, was nearly as old as him far too old to have children.

But Abraham trusted God, thats the thing. So he asked God, What do you want me to do? Abraham, oh Abraham, God said. Pack up your things. Your tents and your animals and all you have. And follow me. I have a special place I want to take you, and a special land I want to give you.

Thats my promise. So Abraham did what you do when God asks you to pack up your things. He packed up his things, saddled up his beasts, gathered his relatives, and left his home and followed God to the land of Canaan. Twenty-five years went by. Abraham was a hundred now, and still he and Sarah had no children. There was his tent.

His old wife was working inside. There was the sun, beating down on him in the middle of the day. But all Abraham could think about was Gods promise: I want to give you more children than there are stars in the sky or grains of sand on the seashore . It seemed more impossible than ever. So Abraham wondered when would the promise come true? And then something happened. Three men came walking by, and all Abraham knew was they had something of God about them.

They might have been very holy men. They might have been angels. They might somehow have been God himself. Abraham bowed before them and then offered to wash their feet and bring them something to eat. And when they accepted, he knew. Abraham, oh Abraham, they said.