Keith Olbermann - Pitchforks and Torches: The Worst of the Worst, from Beck, Bill, and Bush to Palin and Other Posturing Republicans

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Table of Contents

For my father,
who taught me as much when I was 50
as he did when I was 5

Worst of Bush

Republicans Shoot, Democracy Saves

NOVEMBER 6, 2008

Number three: I could write a book-gate. Rumors murmuring at the White House: having seen the success of his predecessors tome, Mr. Bush wants to write his autobiography. Bill Clintons publishers are quoted as saying, Given how the public feels about him right now, I think patience is something I would encourage. Curtis Sittenfeld, who has already written a novel about Laura Bush, says she should write an autobiography and quickly. Personally, Sittenfeld adds, I would find a memoir by President Bush resistible.

Number two: International diplomacy-gate. President Medvedev of Russia not even waiting until the ink was dry on the Obama election to warn that if this administration continues Mr. Bushs plan to install a missile defense system in Eastern Europe, he will put short-range missiles pointed at Europe on Russias border. First, dude, chill; its been two days. Secondwait a minute, did I misunderstand conservatives and Mr. Bush and all them there guys all these years? Ronald Reagan won the Cold War, remember? Russia cant be a problem forever and ever, remember?

Number one: ICE-gate. Like everything else they threw at him, it didnt stick, and it got very little public attention. Just before the election, a federal law enforcement official leaked to reporters the fact that one of Barack Obamas aunts was living illegally in this country, information that most likely came from Mr. Bushs Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, ICE.

Guess who has suddenly handed in her two-week notice as assistant secretary of Homeland Security, chief of ICE? Julie Myers, the Bush appointee, who just happens to be the niece of the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs. She was in charge when ICE arrested the family of a Vietnamese immigrant who three days earlier had been quoted in a newspaper article as being critical of this nations immigration policies. And she was also the clear-headed executive who awarded the most original costume trophy to a guy at the Homeland Halloween party last year who was dressed up like this: dreadlocks, blackface, prison stripes.

Theres your last Bush legacy, the head of ICE, Little Miss Nepotism, Little Miss Racial Sensitivity, and very possibly the source of a last-minute leak that was a clear violation of federal statute in your effort to try to fix the outcome of the presidential election. Ive said it before and Ill say it again: this nation has survived the evil of the Bush administration these last eight years not principally because truth has prevailed, nor because of anybodys courage, but rather because most of the people in the Bush administration are about as nitwitted and careless as this Myers woman. Democracy saved because its enemies were too stupid to realize that they were stupid!

Worst Person in the World

We, the People; You, the Worst

NOVEMBER 7, 2008

The bronze to radio sports yakker Mike Francesa, who also does a local TV show in New York. You may have heard that an under-informed Fox sideline reporter was taping an interview with a new football coach about whether he still talked to an old mentor. Unfortunately the old mentor is dead. The reporter had to restart the interview. Its dumb, but it happens. It was embarrassing enough that this was seen on the raw Fox feed, seen by all the other networks.

You know what this Francesa does? He takes the mistake from the interview, the interview which was not shown live or on tape on Fox or anywhere else. He plays it on his show. Now Fox is rightly not letting the other TV networks watch its raw feeds anymore, so we dont get to show you extra replays or funny shots from the crowd. Nice job.

Our runner-up: Joe Wurzelbacher. This guys hypocrisy is already the stuff of legend. No plumbers license, but hes got a publicist. He lied about trying to buy a business, but he is trying to get a recording contract. Add one to the list. Fixed News, of all places, pointing out that a man who tried to equate Obama with Karl Marx because he wanted to spread the wealth was, himself, twice on welfare. He explained that he deserved it because he had paid into the system. Yes, except he didnt completely pay into it. A tax lien against Wurzelbacher in Ohio for nearly $1,200 is still officially unresolved.

But our winner...

Michele Bachmann, about to begin her second term as your least stable member of the U.S. House of Representatives. It was just three weeks ago tonight that she went on Hardball and suggested that there were members of the House and the Senate, including Senator Obama, who held anti-American views, and the media should investigate. Now Congresswoman Bachmann has told Politico.com that she is extremely grateful that we have an African American who has won this year. She called Obamas election a tremendous signal we sent.

Exactly who is this we, Congresswoman? The people who voted for him? Im thinking you werent one of that we. The people who viewed him as an appropriate and patriotic choice for executive? You called him anti-American, so clearly you werent one of that we, either. The collective voice of the United States? Yes, youre in that we. And, in fact, you deserve some credit for Obamas election. Thanks for reminding the rest of us how quickly things can go horribly wrong when unscrupulous hypocrites get into the mix, and how vigilant we have to be when they start trying to divide us.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesotaby the way, nice face, both of themtodays worst person in the world!

Special Comment

A Question of Love

NOVEMBER 10, 2008

This isnt about yelling, and this isnt about politics, and this isnt really just about Prop 8. I dont have a personal investment in this: Im not gay. I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is. I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isnt about yelling, and this isnt about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They dont want to deny you yours. They dont want to take anything away from you. They want what you want: a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them, No, you cant have it on these terms. Maybe something similar if they behave, if they dont cause too much trouble. Youll even give them all the same legal rights, even as youre taking away the legal right which they already had. A world around them still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, No, you cant marry.

What if somebody passed a law that said you couldnt marry?

I keep hearing this term redefining marriage. If this country hadnt redefined marriage, black people still couldnt marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967.

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