P. G. Wodehouse - The Mating Season

THE MATING SEASON

P. G. Wodehouse

PENGUIN BOOKS

All the characters in this hook are purely imaginary and have no relation whatsoever to any living person

This book Is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise disposed of without the publisher's consent, in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published

CHAPTER ONE

While I would not go so far, perhaps, as to describe the heart as actually leaden, I must confess that on the eve of starting to do my bit of time at Deverill Hall I was definitely short on chirpiness. I shrank from the prospect of being decanted into a household on chummy terms with a thug like my Aunt Agatha, weakened as I already was by having had her son Thomas, one of our most prominent fiends in human shape, on my hands for three days.

I mentioned this to Jeeves, and he agreed that the set-up could have been juicier.

'Still,' I said, taking a pop, as always, at trying to focu s the silver lining, 'it's fl attering, of course.'

'Sire'

'Being the People's Choice, Jeeves. Having these birds going around chanting "We Want Wooster".'

'Ah, yes, sir. Precisely. Most gratifying.'

But half a jiffy. I'm forgetting that you haven't the foggiest what all this is about. It so often pans out that way when you begin a story. You whizz off the mark all pep and ginger, like a mettlesome charger going into its routine, and the next thing you know, the customers are up on their hind legs, yelling for footnotes.

Let me get into reverse and put you abreast.

My Aunt Agatha, the one who ch ews broken bottles and kil ls rats with her teeth, arriving suddenly in London from her rural lair with her son Thomas, had instructed me in her authoritative way to put the latter up in my flat for three days whil e he visited dentists and Old Vic s and things preparatory to l eaving for his school at Bramley-on-Sea and, that done, to proceed to Deverill Hall, King's Deverill, Han ts, the residence of some pals of hers, and lend my services to the village concert. Apparently they wanted to stiffen up the programme ; with a bit of metropolitan talent, and I had been recommended by the vicar's niece.

And that, of course, was that It was no good telling her that I would prefer not to touch young Thos with a ten-foot pole and that I disliked taking on blind dates. When Aunt Agatha issues her orders, you fill them. But I was conscious, as I have indicated, of an uneasiness as to the shape of things to come, and it didn't make the outlook any brighter to know that Gussie Fink-Nottle would be among those p resent at Deverill Hall. When you get trapped in the den of the Secret Nine, you want something a lot better than Gus sie to help you keep the upper li p stiff .

I mused a bit.

'I wish I had more data about these people, Jeeves,' I said. 'I like on these occasions to know what I'm up against So far , all I've gathered is that I am to be the guest of a landed proprietor called Harris or Hacker or possibly Hassock.

'Haddock, sir.

'Haddock, eh?'

'Yes, sir. The gentleman who is to be your host is a Mr Esmond Haddock.'

'It's odd, but that name seems to strike a chord, as if I d heard it before somewhere.'

'Mr Haddock is the son of the owner of a widely advertised patent remedy known as Haddock's Headache Hokies, sir. Possibly me specific is familiar to you.'

'Of course. I know it well . Not so sensationally good as those pick-me-ups of yours, but none the less a sound stand-by on the morning after. So he's one of those Haddocks, is he?

'Yes, sir. Mr Esmond Ha ddock's late father married the late Miss Flora Deverill.'

'Befo re they were both late, of course?

'The unio n was considered something of a mesalliance by the lady's sisters. The Deverills are a very old county family - like so many others in these days, impoverished.'

I begin to get the scenario. Haddock, though not as posh as he might be on the father's side, foots the weekly bills ?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Well, no doubt he can afford to. There's gold in them thar Hokies, Jeeves.'

' So I should be disposed to imagine, sir.'

A point struck me which often does strike me when chewing the fat with this honest fellow - viz. that he seemed to know a hell of a lot about it. I mentioned this, and he explained that it was one of those odd chances that had enabled him to get the inside story.

'My Unc le Charlie holds the post of butl er at the Hall, sir. It is from him that I derive my information.'

I didn't know you had an Uncle Charlie. Charlie Jeeves '

'No, sir. Charlie Silversmith.'

I lit a rather pleased cigarette. Things were beginning to .clarify.

Well, this is a bit of goose. You'll be able to give me all the salient facts, if salient is the word I want. What sort of a joint is this Deverill Hall? Nice place? Gravel soil? Spreading views?'

'Yes,

'Good catering?'

'Yes, sir.'

'And touching on the personnel. Would there be a Mrs Haddock?'

'No, sir. The young gentleman is unmarried. He resides at the Hall with his five aunts.' 'Five?

'Yes, sir. The Misses Charlotte, Emmeline, Harriet and Myrtle Deverill and Dame Daphne Winkworth, relict of the late P. B. Winkworth, the historian. Dame Daphne's daughter, Miss Gertrude Winkworth, is, I understand, also in residence.'

Oh the cue 'five aunts' I had given at the knees a trifle, the thought of being confronted with such a solid gaggle of aunts, even if those of an other, was an unnerving one; Re minding myself that in this life it is not aunts that matter but the courage which one brings to them, I pulled myself together..

'I see,' I said. 'No sti nt of female society.' 'No, sir

'I may find Gussie's company a relief Very possibly, sir.' 'Such as it is.' 'Yes, sir.'

I wonder, by the way, if you recall this Augustus, on whose activities I have had occasion to touch once or twice before now? Throw the mind back. Goofy to the gills, face like a fish, horn-rimmed spectacles, drank orange juice, collected newts, engaged to England's premier pill, a girl called Madeline Bassett. ... Ah, you've got him? Fine.

'Tell me, Jeeves,' I said, 'how does Gussie come to be mixed up with these bacteria? Surel y a bit of an inscrutable myster y that he, too, should be headed for Deverill Hall?

'No, sir. The matter is susceptible of a ready explanation. Dame Daphne Winkworth is Miss Bassett's godmother - Miss Bassett wishes to exhibit Mr Fink-Nottl e to the lady, whom he has not yet met'

'Did you get that from Uncle Charlie?'

'No, sir. It was Mr Fi nk-Nottle himself who informed me,'

'You've seen him, then?'

'Yes, sir. He called while you were out

'How did he seem?'

'Low-spirited, sir.'

'L ike me, he shrinks from the prospect of visiting this ghastly shack?'

'Yes, sir; He had supposed that Miss Bassett would be accompanying him, but she has altered her arrangements at the last moment and gone to reside at The Larches, Wimbledon Common, with an old school friend who has recently suffered a disappointment in love. It was Miss Bassett's view that she needed cheering up.'

I was at a loss to comprehend how the society of Madeline Bassett could cheer anyone up, she bein g from topknot to shoe sole the woman whom God forgot, but I didn't say so. I merely threw out the opinion that this must have made Gussie froth a bit,

'Yes, sir. He expressed annoyance at the change of plan. Indeed, I gathered from his remarks, for he was kind enough to confide in me, that there has resulted a certain coolness between himself and Miss Bassett.' . 'Gosh!'I said.

And I'll tell you why I goshed. If you remember Gussie Fi nk-Nottle, you will probably also remember the chain of circumstances which led up, if chains do lead up, to this frightful Bassett getting the impression firmly fixed in her woollen head that Bertram Wooster was pining away for love of her. I won't go into details now, but it was her conviction that if ever she felt like severing relations with Gussie, she had only to send out a hurry call for me and I would come racing round, all ready to buy the licence and start ordering the wedding cake.