Cammie McGovern - Say What You Will
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- Book:Say What You Will
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- Publisher:HarperCollins
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- Year:2014
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For my mom and dad.
In your fifty-four years of marriage,
you are perfect examples of my belief
that the greatest love stories
start with being best friends....
Unsent message found on Amys computer in the hospital
You want the whole story, but you dont realizeits impossible to tell the whole story. You probably think it was all about sex, but thats where youre wrong. It was about love. And you. Mostly you. Other people would look at me and think sex was impossible but love was not. Then it turns out, both are possible and also impossible.
A MYS EMAILS STARTED IN late July and kept coming all summer. Each one made Matthew a little more nervous:
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Im happy!
I just slipped into my mothers office to look at the names of my new peer helpers, and Im so happy! Your name is on the list! I thought maybe Id scared you by coming right out and asking you to apply. I realize its an unusual setup, but try not to think of it as my parents offering to pay people to be my friend. I know theres something unsettling and prideless in that. I prefer to think of it this way: my parents are paying people to pretend to be my friend. This will be much closer to the truth, I suspect, and I have no problem with this. Im guessing that a lot of people in high school are only pretending to be friends, right? Itll be a start, I figure.
The note made him anxious, but still he wrote her back:
To: aimhigh@comcast.net
From: mstheword@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Im happy!
I dont mind, Amy. Its a good job, plus your mother says we might get community service credit. Best, Matthew
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Community service credit? For a paid job? Im trying not to take this personally, Matthew, but does the job sound so onerous you should get both money and volunteer credit for doing it?
To: aimhigh@comcast.net
From: mstheword@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Sorry, youre right. No, I didnt mean that. The truth is Im very glad to do this job. I dont have a lot of friends at school, so Im happy Ill get to know you and the other people working with you. Matthew
PS Maybe I shouldnt have said that thing about community service but, come to think of it, maybe your mother shouldnt have suggested it, either. I think we all got a little confused.
Already Matthew had a feeling this wasnt going to work out. The more he thought about it, the more certain he was it wouldnt. Hed known Amy since second grade, but he didnt know her. They werent friends. He remembered her, sure, but he remembered a lot of people from elementary school that he wasnt friends with now.
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Why dont you have many friends? You seem pretty normal, right? I remember you having friends in elementary school.
To: aimhigh@comcast.net
From: mstheword@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Im happy!
I have some friends, I guess. I was never all that good when it started to be about sleepovers. Those things made me nervous.
He wasnt sure why hed written that. Being too honest was always a mistakeespecially with someone like Amy, he was afraid. He had no idea what hed say if she asked him why he had trouble with sleepovers.
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Why do you have trouble with sleepovers?
He didnt answer her question. He couldnt because here was the real question: Why did she keep writing to him? He wasnt sure what she was doing this summer, but he assumed she was taking some college-level summer classes. He heard a rumor once that Amy took courses through UCLA Extension every summer, and had enough credits to start college a year from now as a second-semester sophomore. It probably wasnt true, but thats what hed heard. There were a few stories like that about her.
After a week, he felt guilty for not responding and wrote this:
To: aimhigh@comcast.net
From: mstheword@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Sorry I couldnt write back for a while. I got really busy. Can you believe school is about to start? Im looking forward to the training sessions for this job. That should be interesting. Do you attend, too? Your mother didnt say in her letter.
He sounded like a dork. Oh well. At least hed written her back.
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
No, I wont go to the training sessions. Why do sleepovers make you nervous?
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
How did it go? My mother said you were there but you were pretty quiet the whole time and then you left early, which makes me nervous that maybe youve changed your mind. Please dont change your mind, Matthew.
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Matthew? Are you there? Please write back. My mom said you came to the training session today but she cant tell whether youre really interested in this job. She has her doubts. I told her to give you a chance. Everyone else is doing this to round out their college application. With you, its different, I think. Maybe Im wrong about that. But please dont quit.
She was right about this much: he wanted to quit. One training session with Nicole, Amys mother, talking about choking hazards and seizure risks was enough to make him feel like there was no way he could do this. Seizure risk? Just hearing that phrase made him start to sweat and wonder if he was having one.
At the end of the session Nicole made it clear: Were replacing adult aides with peers because this is Amys last year of high school and she wants to learn about making friends before she goes off to college. This is her number one goal for the year and were hoping you all can help her achieve it.
To: aimhigh@comcast.net
From: mstheword@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Im happy!
Your mom has pretty high goals for your peer helpers. Im not sure Im cut out for this.
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
What goals?
To: aimhigh@comcast.net
From: mstheword@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Im happy!
She wants each of us to introduce you to five new people a week. Does that seem like a high number? It does to me, but then, as you know, I dont have a ton of friends, so Im not sure.
To: mstheword@gmail.com
From: aimhigh@comcast.net
Subject: Re: Im happy!
PLEASE dont worry about it.
He was worried about it. Very worried. Now that hed told his mom about the job, though, he wasnt sure if shed let him back out.
Wait a minute, his mom said, after he told her he might be working as Amys aide one day a week. Do I remember this girl? From sixth-grade chorus? Did she sit in a chair up front and sing louder than everyone else?
Yes, he said, embarrassed by the memory.
And she waved her hands the whole time, like she was conducting the audience?
Yes, he said. This conversation made him think of a line Amy had written in one of her first emails to him. I want you to tell me when Im doing stuff wrong. That request alone was enough to worry him: Where would he begin?
His mother clapped her hands and threw her head back, laughing like she hardly ever did anymore. I loved that girl. I always wondered what ever happened to her.
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