Louise Rennison - Withering Tights (Misadventures of Tallulah Casey #1)

Ive come to Yorkshire by mistake
Chugging towards Dother Hall

W ow. This is it. This is me growing up. On my own, going to Performing Arts College. This is goodbye Tallulah, you long, gangly thing and helloooooo Lullah, star of stage andowwwwooo. Ow and ow.

The train lurched and Ive nearly knocked myself out on the side of the door. Im bound to get a massive lump. Oh good, I can start college with two heads

In my brochure it has a picture of a big manor house and on the front it says:

Dother Hall, world-renowned for its excellence in the Arts. This magnificent centre of artistry is set amongst the beautiful Yorkshire Dales. With its friendly northern folk offering a warm welcome to visitors, think Wuthering Heights but with less moaning!

Ive been looking over the top of my brochure at the bloke opposite. He is the grumpiest man in the universe probably.

Hes got no hair on his head, but he has loads of red hair shooting out of his ears. Like there are a couple of red squirrels nesting in there. Which would be quite good actually, as they are an endangered species.

His wife said to him, Oooh look, Fred, the suns coming out.

And he said, It can please its bloody self.

Is this what Yorkshire folk are like?

I wonder if anyone is missing me at home?

I wonder if they are saying, Where is Tallulah?

I think I know the answer to that question, and it is, Who?

Connor will just move into my bedroom and make it smelly and then leave.

It will be next week before my grandma notices that my egg-cup hasnt been used. When I tried to explain to her that I was going to performing arts college in Yorkshire for the summer, she said, Will you bring a trifle back?

Maybe she thought I said I was going to Marks and Spencers for the summer.

Mum didnt comment because as usual she wasnt there. Shes gone to Norway to paint.

Not peoples houses. Shes doing her art.

When I stayed over with cousin Georgia, I asked her what sort of painting the Norwegians did and she said, Its mostly sledges.

I thought she meant they painted sledges a lot, but she said, No, my not-so-little cousy, they paint WITH sledges.

She said the official term for that kind of work was Sled-werk, and that it was one of the reasons why Norwegians had such big arms and had therefore become Vikings (for the rowing). And that if I dropped Sled-werk into a conversation at art college, people would be impressed and not notice my knees

Georgia knows a lot of stuff. Not just about painting, but about life. And boys. She wears a bra. Its a big one. She showed me her special disco inferno dancing and her lady bumps were jiggling quite a lot.

I wish I wore a bra. And jiggled.

Its so boring being fourteen and a half.

Shes nice to me, but I know she thinks Im just a kid.

When I left she gave me her special comedy moustache. Shes grown out of it and thought it would suit me. She said, Always remember, Lullah, if in doubt, get your moustache out.

I do love Georgia and wish I lived near her. I havent got a sister and its not the same having a brother. Connor mostly likes to talk about what hes going to kick next.

And that I am like a daddy long-legs in a skirt.

And how he could win a kicking contest with a daddy long-legs.

Is that normal in a boy?

Well, all will be revealed when I start my new life at Dother Hall.

Georgias also given me a secret note to read on my first day at college. She says she will write to me. But will she?

I will look at the college brochure again to get me in the creative zone.

Let me see.

Aaaaaah, yes, yes. These are my kind of people.

This is more like it.

Here is a photo of a girl leaping around in the dance studio. The caption says:

Eliza loses herself in the beauty of modern dance.

As far as dancewear is concerned Eliza has gone for big tights.

As indeed she needs to.

Oh and heres a photo of a boy.

What on earth is he holding?

Lets see.

The caption says:

Martin has made an instrument. Here he is holding his own small lute.

Crumbs.

Martin has got very bright lips.

Perhaps he is a mouth-breather, that makes your lips go very red.

Or perhaps it is lipstick.

I suppose anything goes in the crazy world of dance and theatre! Hey nonny no, this is my new world, the world of showbiz!

But what if the course is full of people who can sing and dance and everything, and are really confident?

And hate me because of my nobbly kneecaps?

Uh-oh, we are arriving at my station. I must get my bag down. Ill get up on the seat and try and reach itOh great balls of fire, Ive just accidentally kicked Mr Squirrel as he was getting up.

What does, You great big dunderwhelp, use your bloody gogglers! mean in English?

I bet its not nice.

His wife said, Take no notice, love, if there was a moaning medal, hed win it hands down.

I let them get off first.

How come everyone else in my family is the right height and I have knees that are four feet above the ground?

I swung the train door open and saw the sign:

SKIPLEY
home of the
West Riding Otter

There was a little bus to take us into Heckmondwhite. I didnt know sheep could go on buses, but they can. One was sitting next to me. Not on its own I mean. It hadnt just got on with its bus pass. There was a woman in wellingtons holding it.

She said to me, Id sit upwind if I were thee, love.

We bundled along on the bus on a road that went up and down dales. Along the skyline I could see the moorland dotted with craggy outcrops.

The sheep woman said, Thats Grimbottom Peak, when a fog comes down you cant see your chin in front of you. Perilous.

Heckmondwhite was just like a proper village. It had a village green, and a pub, and a post office, a church and a hall and everything. Like a postcard of Emmerdale. But without the murders. Or a plane landing on it and wiping out the whole cast. So far.

I found the Dobbins house just off the green round the corner from the village shop, like the directions said. Im not allowed to stay at Dother Hall because I was the last one to apply for the course and there was no room in the dormitory.

And do you know why? Its because I havent got normal parents. If I had ordinary parents like everyone else they would have booked early. But oh no, I had to wait until Dad could get to the post office in Kathmandu so that we could phone him. Why is he there anyway? Hes probably found the only bearded ant on the planet. Or the last of the Ice Age big-bottomed goats. He loves that sort of thing. He is like a cross between David Bellamy and an excitable Great Dane.

And my parents dont live together.

Why couldnt they just stay together, in the same place?

And if they werent going to stay together, why couldnt they hate each other, like normal people?