Paul Davidson - The Lost Blogs: From Jesus to Jim Morrison--The Historically Inaccurate and Totally Fictitious Cyber Diaries of Everyone Worth Knowing

Copyright 2006 by Paul Davidson

All rights reserved.

Warner Books

Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

First eBook Edition: November 2009

ISBN: 978-0-446-56970-5

May the thanking portion of this book begin now.

First and foremost I would like to thank my agent, Arielle Eckstut, from the Levine Greenberg Agency. Arielle has been there for me through thick and thin (weeks 13 of the South Beach Diet) and has been a supportive, knowledgeable partner in crime. And although we actually never participated in any real actual crimes together (except the liberating of a pack of gum from an undisclosed location), I would still rather die than tell anyone our secrets. Im trained like that. Go ahead and try me. I would also like to thank my editor, Jason Pinter, from Warner Books, for his sense of humor, his knowledge of dead historical people, and his passion for the content herein. Or therein. (If herein refers to past tense then use that. If therein is the right word, use that instead.) He has been a pleasure to work with and nothing like the evil editors you read about in Page Six. Except, come to think of it, he does have one of those knives holstered just above his left knee, but he says thats for peeling apples and Im inclined to believe him.

I would like to thank my manager, Chris Emerson. I would like to thank my agent, Craig Kestel, at the William Morris Agency. I would like to thank their assistants. And the companies that flip the switch to allow their cell phones to work, which in turn allows them to talk to me. I would like to thank the guy who invented phones, who happens to be included in this book, and I would like to thank book people in general, for liking books and reading books and using them to prop up rickety old tables that have that wobbly disease going on. (If you use this book for that and I find out I will not be thanking you in the next book.)

I would like to thank the people who had conversations with me that went a little something like this:

ME: Have you ever heard of Abe Vigoda?

THEM: No, whos Abe Vigoda?

ME: The guy from that old TV show Fish and Barney Miller.

THEM: There was a TV show called Fish? Thats so funny.

ME: Yeah, Bea Arthur was in it.

THEM: Oh, I dont like Bea Arthur.

ME: Fine, but do you think I should include Abe Vigoda in the book?

THEM: Whos Abe Vigoda again?

I would like to thank Brigid Pearson, the talented designer who came up with the cover for the book. I would like to thank the model whose body we used on the cover of the book because he looks as hairy as I suspect Abe Lincoln probably was. I would like to thank the photographer who took the picture of the Abe Lincoln model for doing such a great lighting job and making it look as tasteful as it does.

I would also like to thank Jeff and Mark Grammatke, Fabian Marquez, Brian Rousso, Kevin Kelly, Kristine Howard, Meagan Montisci, Bob Castillo, Anna Maria Piluso, Elly Weisenberg, Daniel Greenberg, Mark Cuban, and all the frequent and not-so-frequent readers of Words for My Enjoyment for their continued enthusiasm, support, and commentary. I would have thanked the guy to whom I had to send a ham after awarding it as a prize for one of those online contests, but that ham cost over fifty bucks so thats all the thanks he needs.

Finally, I would like to thank the family. Without thanking the family, Im just the bastard who didnt thank the family instead of the guy who thanked the family and wrote a really funny bookso I should go ahead and thank them now: Thanks to Mom and Dad for their support and almost unhealthy blind approval. Thanks to Sari, Matt, Jake, Bonnie, Harold, John, and Briel. Thanks must also go out to the guy at the coffee shop who knows what I like to drink (and sometimes gives me two card punches when no one is looking) and, therefore, should be categorized as family as well.

Finally, thanks must be heaped upon the one they call Jennifer. Normally, if you lived in a house with someone (me) who had spontaneous mood swings, talked in tongues, and often laughed out loud about practically nothing all the time, you would call yourself a therapist, psychiatrist, or medical technician. Jennifer, it seems, likes to go by the title wife. It seems that her loss is wholly my gainand I love her for it.

[Insert end of thank you page theme music here. The one with the horns and harpsichord.]

From: http://www.moses.com/blog/

Subject: A Pretty Astounding Day

My previous entries concerning the burning bush and the locusts that descended upon Egypt can be read here and here . The reason behind mentioning such writings now is only so that you may fully grasp the majesty that is the Lord in the next story I wish to share with all of you.

Please bear with me, children, as I am sending this entry from my holy portable communication deviceso punctuation and proper grammar may fail me. May the Lord forgive any of my shortcomings.

The Free the Slaves of Egypt Webring , which continues to function as I communicate with you today, has previously mentioned the plight of the Jewish people. You have read about the ten plagues and yesterdays mass exodus out of Egypt . Today I moblog to you from the other side of the Red Sea.

Yes, my childrenyou heard correctly. The other side of the Red Sea.

I stood before Gods waters with hundreds of thousands of our people by my side. The Egyptians, as previously mentioned in yesterdays entry , were closing in on us. There was no place to go. We were trapped.

Yet my faith in the Lord transformed the situation from hopeless to hope-filled.

Without warning, God caused the waters to part for the people of Israel. I took a few pictures with my holy portable communication device, which includes a holy eye that can collect images which can be viewed here . The quality is not the best, but if you just feel one-half of the wonder that I feltyou will understand the feeling that swept the crowd. Theres a close-up shot of me here waving at the Egyptians as they drowned in the rapidly filling sea. (You may not be able to fully see this in the pictures, thats why I must mention that once we were all safely across, the waters began to fill back in. It was a glorious moment.)

Now free of our bonds and of the Egyptians, we will make our way to Israel. I may not be posting as often over the next few weeks, as I must conserve my holy communication devices holy life of battery power for the important moments.

If youre looking for something to read while Im gone, please check out Pharaohs Blog , which will, Im quite sure, contain some fairly amusing observations about yesterdays incident involving me and the chosen people of Israel.

From: http://www.johnwilkesbooth.org/blog/

Subject: A Mediocre Actor Am I?

As most of you well know by now (thanks to the consistent reporting over at the Unofficial John Wilkes Booth Fan Club ) I have been acting out of the Arch Street Theatre here in Philadelphia.

The environment has not felt nurturing to say the least.

I am not getting along with William Fredericks, the acting and stage manager here at Arch Street. He has it out for me, along with the rest of the actors here. Forgotten lines and missed cues are common mistakes in the world of acting. Why they must single yours truly out each time a mistake is made is anyones guess. I am finding myself getting increasingly frustrated with Fredericksdoesnt he know how tough it is being an actor? I suspect they are whispering about me behind my back.