Kathy Griffin - Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Run-Ins: My A-Z Index

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I proudly dedicate this book to Lil Wayne, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Tyga, Birdman, DJ Khaled, Rich Homie Quan, Celine Dion, Young Thug, and everyone in my Cash Money Records family.

Cash money for life.

OR

Dear Famous Person Who Is Wildly Scanning This Book to See If You Are Mentioned:

Are you prepared to have your mind blown?

My purpose in writing this book is not only to make you laugh, but also to share with you some of my intimate moments with icons and celebrities in situations where I had to pinch myself and ask, Is this really happening? Some of these stories are jaw-droppers, while others are touching. Some of Hollywoods most intriguing personal relationships happen authentically and by chance; others are the result of my adorable and charming chase and pursue philosophy. The stories I tell are up close and personal, and hopefully you will be as riveted reading about them as I was when I lived them.

Its been several years since my last book, which became a #1 New York Times bestseller, so Ive been waiting for a sign. Im not a religious person, but one night that sign came to me when I was watching Straight Outta Compton from my hotel room at the Trump International Hotel & Tower in New York City. Just take that all in.

While watching the film, I turned to my boyfriend, Randy, and casually said, Most people probably dont know that I know four of the people portrayed in this film. I met Tupac Shakur backstage at a taping of a sketch television show I was working on, where I watched him struggle to read. That was astonishing to me! Dr. Dre directed me in the music video for Eminems The Real Slim Shady. I made out with Snoop Dogg as part of a sketch when I hosted the Billboard Music Awards. Oh, and I have cuddled with Suge Knight. Cuddled. Do I have your attention yet?

The reason I mention the Trump International Hotel & Tower is that it may surprise many of my longtime and loyal fans that I have not only met four people portrayed in Straight Outta Compton but that I actually know Donald Trump as well. (Unfortunately, I have met him several times.) One time, I shared the backseat of a golf cart with Liza Minnelli, and the driver was none other than the Donald. Are you getting the idea?

This book is a total departure for me, part spoof of an old-fashioned dictionary and part shocking tidbits I have never uttered publicly. I will give you an A to Z HUMOROUS and PERSONAL encyclopedia of my unique encounters with people that you know I know as well as people you couldnt have imagined your Kathy Griffin would ever know. I have officially turned into that person who has pretty much met EVERYBODY!

A word about my use of quotation marks in this book. While my encounters with the glorious personalities described in this book are very real, or surreal as the case may be, I did not tape or transcribe any conversations. So the use of quotation marks does not mean that I am quoting anyone verbatim, and instead it means that I am giving you the gist of the dialogue to the best of my recollection.

Youll find names from the worlds of music (Britney Spears spanked me!), TV (Im the only person who doesnt love Jon Hamm), movies (whats Jack Nicholson like at a dinner party?), sports (I put the beast in Beast Mode!), dogs (I love dogs), politics (Speaker Nancy Pelosi had my back at a party), and even author Salman Rushdie (dont worry, that story includes Cher). You know me as someone who has built a career telling personal and long-form stories about a range of topics from my own up-close and personal run-ins with the famous and the infamous and, of course, have seen me on television sharing the stage and screen with just about everyone youve ever heard of. So many that I had to take some of them from the index in my brain and pass them on to you lucky bastards.

Can you handle it?

Kathy Griffin

ALLEN, WOODY

Director, Writer, Actor

I was seated next to him at a small dinner party in November of 2014.

First impressions: Hes quite feeble in person. He mumbles. Obviously, as he has been so swirled in controversy, I had my eyes on him the whole evening. The two takeaways are as follows: First, 95 percent of my time spent near him that evening was shockingly boring. And second, he said a couple of things that were genuinely shocking.

Prior to the dinner, I expressed my discomfort regarding how to handle myself in Allens presence. Lets just say that while professionally Im a fan, personally I believe Mia, Dylan, and Ronan. Get it? I knew you would.

When he walked in with his wife Soon-Yi, he announced, Im Woody, and this is my child bride!

Hmmm, okay, okay, that was a pretty upfront opening joke , I thought. I do love a great opener from a comic. Maybe hell have a sense of humor about everything in his life and be as candid about it as he was with that entrance line.

We all sat down, and the bitter truth was that his child bride remark would be his opening and closing joke. I had questions about his career, like his use of stand-up comedians in various roles (Louis CK, Andrew Dice Clay, Lily Tomlin). I asked him, What was it like directing stand-up comics as opposed to traditional actors? He seemed perplexed by this question. I mentioned that Louis CK was great in Blue Jasmine , and it was as if he had just been reminded that Louis CK was in Blue Jasmine . I wouldnt stop, throwing the rod and reel and trying to hook him with any of twenty different topics related to his incredible body of work and all the brilliant people hes worked with, but he sounded more engaged talking about his soup or chicken pot pie, neither of which were particularly funny or interesting. How was I going to get anything insightful out of this living legend?

He did describe a typical day to me as essentially getting up, eating, writing, and falling asleep before the end of a Knicks game on television. Reality shows were a no-go as a topic. Smart television didnt work. (Supposedly friends with Liev Schreiber, he said hed never seen a single Ray Donovan .) At the end of my rope, I decided to give up on my fishing expedition and just pretend HE was completely up on MY act regarding pop culture and celebrities and ask him about things he surely had no clue about. At least I was going to make it fun on my end.

I turned to him: So, Woody, you obviously asked to be seated next to me to gossip about everything going on with Kylie Jenner and Miley Cyrus these days. I was ready to let fly with another name when he responded after a beat that hed seen every episode of Hannah Montana . Yeah. Ill let that sink in a bit. Every episode of Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel. Not only that, he continued by expressing concern about what had happened to Miley regarding her current rebellious phase. Yeah. Pick your jaw up off the floor and let that nestle somewhere uncomfortably in your stomach. As I was trying to digest this informationWoodys seen every episode of Hannah Montana the conversation actually morphed into current events. By the time Id fully recovered from the unexpected Miley bombshell, the dinner was coming to a close. Yes, I know Woody Allen went on to cast Miley in an Amazon series.