Kathy Griffin - Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

Kathy, dont take any crap from those people. I dont care if you never work again.

John Patrick Griffin

19162007

CONTENTS

FOREWORD: DEAR OPRAH

1. THE LITTLEST GOSSIP GIRL

2. GROWING UP GRIFFIN

3. THEY BARKED, THEY LAUGHED

4. KENNY

5. LA IS MY LADY

6. TO LIVE AND BOMB IN LA

7. HOT CUP O TALK

8. IM A STAR! (OKAY, A GUEST STAR)

9. BROOKE SHIELDS, DONT READ THIS

10. TALK SHOWS: LET THE BANNING BEGIN

11 . FROM WORCESTER, MA, TO DICK: STORIES FROM THE

ROAD

12. NIP/FUCKED

13. REINVENTING MYSELF: IM JUST LIKE MADONNA!

14. REALITY CHECK

15. MY MARRIAGE BEGINS

16. MY MARRIAGE ENDS

17. A WIN, A LOSS

1 8 . FANNING FLAMES IN HOLLYWOOD, AND YES I MEAN

DAKOTA

19. THE WIZARD OF WOZ

20. HOW PARIS HILTON CHANGED MY LIFE

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

READING GROUP GUIDE

FOREWORD

Dear Oprah.

Hi, how are you? Hows Gayle doing today?

Nice to hear.

Get ready, cause after you read this barn burner, youre gonna want me on for sweeps week. Youre gonna want to open a school in my name, and have a special edition white ladies legends bal , just for me. Barbara Walters can cater. Maybe.

I know you have questions about whats wrong with me. Cal Dr.

Oz, he can be on with me during my hour, too. You dont have to cal Nate. Hes already on my team. But dont act like you dont want to see my post-op plastic surgery photos, if you havent already flipped to that chapter. You probably dont remember that I was actual y a guest on your show. Once. Im on a lot of shows once, for some reason. But just know that if my house ever catches fire, Im grabbing my two dogs, my picture with you, and running for my life. My mom is on her own. By the way, dont even think about Skype-ing my mom for this episode. Shel throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. Shes got a thing for Gayle. Ring a bel ?

Lets establish some ground rules for my much-anticipated appearance on your show. First of al , Id like to sit on your lap, at a moment of your choosing. Please wear peach. I love you in summer colors. Were going to cold-cal Steadman, because Im no longer convinced he even exists. And you wil have to introduce me using your signature vowel-elongating bel ow. Repeat after me: KAAAA- THAY GRA-A-A-A-FF-A-A-A-A-A-N! I already have chil s.

Heres my promise to you. This wil be the most talked-about episode of your career. Wel , after the one where Dr. Oz showed pictures of your poo. And maybe the one where the Olsen twins shocked the world with their tales of the difficulties of living in the public spotlight while trying to sel their sassy-themed tween fashion clothing line.

I know that you like to do episodes that help women put themselves first on their list, that inspire lightbulb moments, and that lead to revelations that are big. BIG, PE-E-E-E-PUHL! Our hour together on camera, in front of your global audience, wil surely motivate, chal enge, and most important, help the children. After al , it is about the children. They are our future.

Here is what you wil admire about me. Im living the life you secretly wish you could. Ive got the dysfunctional family story just like a lot of people. Ive bitten, scratched, and clawed to get where I am, just like you. But I dont have to be nice about it. Im naming names and tel ing tales out of school. I wil be your guilty pleasure. I wil be your new showbiz confidante. I wil be your new Julia Rob-iston-altrow-avolta-angelou.

So strap yourself in, O. You may be the only person who wil stil be talking to me by the end of this journey. Keep a bunk open at that school in South Africa. I may need to lay low for a while.

Come to think of it, Im not sure you can handle this book. Im going to Tyra.

XXO O

Kathy Griffin

Go fuck yourself.

Have you ever looked at the online photos of Britneys peesh?

I probably shouldnt start my book with that question, but I just cant get enough of those photos. I find it nearly impossible to turn away from an online snapshot of any celebritys peesh. Al right, Kath. Focus. This is the story of your life.

Wait! Have you seen that TV commercial with Wynonna Judd where she hawks diet pil s? Look, I dont mean to be rude, but maybe a gal with a big voice and a bigger um talent shouldnt be hawking diet pil s. Come on, you know those pil s are just tiny donuts. Teeny, tiny powdered donuts.

Al right, that wasnt very nice. In fact, it was inappropriate, and nothing short of cheap gossip. But lets face it, thats why you bought this book.

Thats right, Im bringing it: gays, women, and the occasional DL (down-low) husband. The pages you are about to read have a lot of gossip, but guess what? Most of its about me. Im going to try to make this book a recipe (shout-out to Paula Deen!) of equal parts shit-talking about myself and others. Yeah, I go down pretty hard on myself in this book.

Not as hard as Steve Martin does, or my drunken Irish Catholic relatives do, perhaps. But Ive had some heartaches and bumpy passages on this road to notoriety. Basical y, I take great pride in the fact that Im a professional. Youre in good hands. This is a job Ive been training for my entire life.

How did I get here, then?

Il start with a statement so shocking you might have to burn this book immediately:

I was a kid who needed to talk. Al the time.

I mean, whats a beleaguered Mary Margaret Griffin to do when her mouthy little daughter wont shut the fuck up? Breathe a sigh of relief, for one thing, whenever I would bolt out the front door of our house on Home Avenue in suburban Oak Park, Il inois.

But Mom was real y of two minds about my exit. While part of her was thinking, Thank God, get her out of my earshot , the other part surely thought, Uh-oh . Thats because Id just go next door to the Bowens

house, where I first learned the power of juicy material.

The Bowens were an older couple, and they lived with Mrs. Bowens mother, Mrs. Tyres. The Bowens, Mrs. Tyres, and I had a mutual understanding. They would bribe me with Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies, and Id freely spil our family secrets, al to my moms horror, of course. She knew exactly what was going on because she could see it al through our kitchen window, which had a perfect view into the Bowens formal dining room. Mom would be doing dishes, occasional y nursing a nice highbal boxed wine innovations hadnt arrived yet

then look up, see my mouth moving, and then see the Bowens shaking their heads.

It was good stuff I was slinging, too. Id reveal how one of my older siblings would have had a kegger the night before, and Id run right over with the latest. Yeah, Joyce had a party and one guy just fel asleep right on the lawn! Id excitedly report. He was real drunk and everything!

There was puke everywhere! My mom made me promise not to tel anybody! I dont think she meant you, Mrs. Tyres! Boy, these cookies sure are good!

From my perch at the Bowens table, I could see my poor mom waving me over, mouthing, Get back here! Get back here! If either Mrs.