Anna Humphrey - Rhymes with Cupid

For Brent, my number-one valentine

I d been wrong about him. He wasnt a player. He was sweet, caring, and genuine. So different from Matt that the two barely belonged in the same category of humankind. But then again, Patrick could have been a full-fledged saint and it wouldnt have mattered. Id already told him I didnt date. Also, hed made it crystal clear that his crush on me was history.

Which just brought me right back to my original question: Why was he being so nice to me? I needed to find out what was up, and I couldnt wait until Valentines Day to do it, either.

A ccording to The Itty Bitty Pocket Guide ( Secrets of the Heart edition), Cupid is the god of erotic love. Hes the son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, and Ares, the god of war. Hes beautiful and mischievous and winged like an angel.

But at the SouthSide Mall in Middleford, Maine, Cupid was a far, far cry from the golden-haired god that the pocket guide (aisle four, right across from the ceramic clowns) described. He stood on the counter of Goodmans Gifts & Stationery near the cash registeran overweight battery-powered baby doll with shiny red hearts on his diaper. When you pushed his belly button, he winked a creepy mechanical eye at you and started to sing along to music that came out of a speaker in his buttthe chorus of the classic 1960s Motown hit, Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance). And the doll could dance, in a way. You had to give him that.

Cupid shook his diapered hips indecently, his plastic joints making a faint clicking noise as he swayed from side to side waving a plush bow and arrow in one hand while the music built in intensity. Finally, he closed the routine with another skeevy wink.

If Ares and Aphrodite could see what had become of their golden-haired son, theyd probably feel like throwing down a thunderbolt or twounlike the masses at the mall who thought creepy mechanical dolls were adorable. Several dozen people had already bought enough greeting cards to earn their very own stupid singing Cupid through the customer loyalty program at the gift shop where I worked after school. Wed already placed our third order from the supplier.

Oh. My. God. A woman approached the counter twirling a lock of her hair, which was severely teased and held back by a headband that was half zebra-, half leopard-printwhat would you even call that animal? I wondered idly. A zepard? Well, isnt that the cutest thing youve ever seen? Dont you just want to pinch him?

I gave her my best neutral smile. Pinching Cupid wasnt exactly on my list of things to do. Now pitching him, I could handle. Right across the hall into the Gap, maybe. Or into one of the boat-sized garbage bins the janitorial staff pushed around at closing time.

She picked up the doll and hugged him to her chest before flipping him over to get a look at his unmentionables. Does he take AAs? she asked.

Four Ds, I answered. Besides being annoying, the doll cost about twenty dollars in batteries to run. Money that could be so much better spent putting gas in her car, or groceries on her table, or even buying herself some stylish new animal-print headbandsgiraffodile, maybe, or snakeetah?

Oh, well now. Look here. She held the dolls butt up to my face. Youve got the switch flipped to the quiet setting. We can hardly hear his cute little song. Using a long, pink fingernail, she remedied the situation before setting Cupid back on the counter and pressing his tummy. He winked and started to sing againfive times louder. You have a nice day now, you hear, the woman said.

You too. I smiled as sincerely as I could manage. Thanks for shopping at Goodmans. As soon as shed turned her back and walked away into the brightly lit, overloud mall plaza, I let the smile drop from my face. Unfortunately, Cupid kept right on singing. Thats it, I shouted to my coworker Dina a few seconds later when she came out of the back room carrying a cardboard box. We definitely need to kill this thing. I reached into the drawer for the scissors.

Are you serious, Elyse? she shouted back, her eyes growing wide. Youre going to stab Cupid?

The doll winked again and finally fell silent. I laughed. Actually, these are for the box. I held them up. But, now that you mention it...

Elyse, Dina said softly, blinking her big brown eyes at me. We probably shouldnt joke about damaging merchandise. Mr. Goodman would be really upset.

I should have known better than to kid about a thing like that with Dina. She was quite possibly the sweetest girl Id ever met. So sweet that, sometimes, she was a bit nauseatingat least to someone as cynical as Id been feeling lately. In the three months wed been working together Id lost count of how many times Id caught her going all teary eyed over a clichd love poem while shelving wedding cards.

Im kidding, Dina. Of course. I gave her an earnest look. I would never do a thing like that to Cupid here. I patted his head to show I was sincere. Or to anything else in the store. I motioned for her to pass me the box.

Oh, obviously. She slid it down the counter. I knew you were kidding. Youre such a bighearted person, Elyse. Actually, thats partly why Ive been meaning to ask you a favor. She leaned down and took a folder out of her backpack, which was stashed behind the cash. I caught a glimpse of a sad-looking baby panda on its cover. I could pretty much guess what was coming.

I dont know if you knew this... but the giant panda is one of the worlds most endangered species, Dina began, her voice cracking a little out of sympathy for all the threatened forest-dwelling bears of China. Scientists think there are less than fifteen hundred of them left in the wild. She must have noticed that I was avoiding eye contact because she quickly added, Just so you know, Im not going to ask you for money.

I breathed a small sigh of relief. It wasnt that I had anything against pandas (although, now that I thought of it, if you wanted to make a really fancy headband, you could combine a panda with a bald eagle... just kidding). The thing was, since my mom had lost her job six months earlier, part of my salary had been going to help with household expenses. Even now that shed found a new job (which she was starting that afternoon), there wouldnt be a ton to spare. Plus, Id sponsored Dina in a knit-a-thon to help stop the slaughter of sheep just a month before. Since then, Id had to avoid getting the curried lamb special at India House in the food court, and it was my favorite.

Im organizing a panda party, she explained, for Valentines Day. Well all wear black and white, and each guest will make a donation to Panda Rescue. Im hoping we can raise five hundred dollars to cosponsor a panda for the year. This one is Oreo. She pulled a picture out of her folder. I tried to avert my gazeno need to get swept away by the pandas inevitable cuteness. I know youre good at baking, Elyse. My family practically inhaled those cookies you gave us at Christmas. So, I was wondering, would you make black-and-white snacks for the party?

I hesitated. After all, making food for a panda party would put a crimp in my big plans for February 14. I was going to buy five boxes of heart-shaped chocolates using my employee discount and eat them all in one sitting to drown my sorrows.

I dont know, I said. Ill probably be busy that night.

With a guy? Dina asked eagerly.

No. Just, you know, with my mom. I dont want her to be all alone on Valentines Day. That much was true. Well, partly true, anyway.

The whole truth was this: Id been betrayed last Valentines Day by the former two-most-important people in my life. So it was no surprise Id been looking forward to the love fest with the kind of dread I usually reserved for dental fillings and driving lessons. All I wanted to do was hide in my house and wait for all the happy togetherness of the holiday to be over withnot to mention for all the singing Cupids to be silenced.