Nayyirah Waheed - nejma

Copyright 2014 Nayyirah Waheed All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any written, electronic, recording, or photocopying without written permission of the publisher or author. Cover Design 2014 M. Phoenixx Interior Design 2014 Leslie Andrew Winter ISBN-10: 14944993322 ISBN-13: 978-1494493325 to you. my people. you are an altar of stars. remember this. always. do not ever forget this. i am writing this book. ii am writing a daughter. nejma (nejii) i sang a god alive for you. give me a moment i am adjusting the roses in my tongue. the rose farm the night west of the ocean. i fell asleep between your body and your soft unbody. zejune the sun cleanses itself. i cleanse myself. for both of us. it is morning. wud some words. the way they look at you you are a private gold. gold you are a flood in my hands. i want work that is a relentless oasis. i was every light for you. can you feel my prayers. there and. there and. there. pilgrimage you smell like love. and all this red sand. black air. and loose life. falling into my skin. snow island you and the poems have a lot to talk about. put some honey and sea water by your bed. acknowledge. that your being needs sweetness and cleansing. that it is sore. that you are. soft. orishas there was an evening in what you said. i wanted the wanting. there are poems. before the poem. you were three years of water. something. is migrating up my neck. here. among the red pepper blood trees. i feel my life in my mouth. the fire. thats not where i burn from. weep the light. grieve. so that you can be free to feel something else. let the poems have you. early. while the sun is still white. i pick the pink leaves. i heat the water until it becomes milk. i search for the cinnamon juice i made yesterday. and i find it. next to the lemons soaking in rose molasses. when words take off their clothes. for me. so i can write. them exactly. as they are. skin yes. yes i do. have the right to be this lush and neverending. the swarm of this bright. fat. oil. rinsing my back. turning my thighs into sleep. the red oil and i heard her say, you are afraid of love. but love is not afraid of you. drop a name in the water. drop a name in the water. and a name in the water. drop another name in the water. and another. and another. and another. and another. and another. and another. and another. and another. and another. and another. until there are no more bodies in your body. the rivering (all i can do is rest.) my body is in the middle of a poem. there is prayer in poem. when i am writing i am praying. all the prayers that are too soft. too young. too old. to say. with grace. with grace. with grace. you will bare and you will sieve. with grace. husk sometimes i smell my parents on my words. and i weep. we need to share our wars. our tragedy begins humid. in a humid classroom. with a humid text book. breaking into us. stealing us from ourselves. one poem. at a time. it begins with shakespeare. the hot wash. the cool acid. of dead white men and women. people. each one a storm. crashing. into our young houses. making us islands. easy isolations. until we are so beleaguered and swollen with a definition of poetry that is white skin and not us. that we tuck our scalding. our soreness. behind ourselves and learn poetry. as trauma. as violence. as erasure. another place we do not exist. another form of exile where we should praise. honor. our own starvation. the little bits of langston. phyllis wheatley. and angelou during black history month. are the crumbs. are the minor boats. that give us slight rest. to be waterdrugged into rejecting the nuances of my own bursting extraordinary self. and to have this be called education. to take my name out of my name. out of where my native poetry lives. in me. and replace it with keats. browning. dickson. wolf. joyce. wilde. wolfe. plath. bronte. hemingway. hughes. byron. frost. cummings. kipling. poe. austen. whitman. blake. longfellow. wordsworth. duffy. twain. emerson. yeats. tennyson. auden. thoreau. chaucer. thomas. raliegh. marlowe. burns. shelley. carroll. elliot (what is the necessity of a black child being this high off of whiteness.) and so. we are here. brown babies. worshipping. feeding. the glutton that is white literature. even after it dies. the hot wash (years later. the conclusion: shakespeare is relative. white literature is relative. that we are force fed the meat of an animal that our bodies will not recognize. as inherent nutrition. is not relative. is inert.) your novels. the classic novels of a minutia. i have no interest in. pale. in comparison to the novels of my world. the novel of my mother. the novels of my grandparents. the articulate novels of how my people walk down a street. the novels i have been reading my whole life. classic the eye room. the arm room. the small room in the feet. the lung room. the teeth room. the tight room of the hair. these are. our. rooms. this is where. we. become the soft sharks of our literature. the writing rooms (black libraries) there is a small bee in my writing. it is a small gift. from the ancestors. to keep my work pure. bee to be black. and a moon. light (up late.) making a flower stew. (otherwise known as a poem.) there is no healthier drug than creativity. (all the places the darkest light lives in you.) bioluminescence (the biology of light) poetry. is an infusion of scale and feather. bruise and mist. you are the thing. that comes from your soul. the poem. the one. that is running through your life. pay attention. to that poem. as you are. says the universe. after you answer. as you are. says the universe. before you answer. as you are. says the universe. when you answer. as you are. says the universe. how you answer. as you are. says the universe. why you answer. because you are happening now. right now. right at this moment and your happening is beautiful. the thing that both keeps me alive and brings me to my knees. you dont even know how breathtaking you are. as you are. says the universe through tears. as you are | you are the prayer you. everything about you. comes so naturally to me. (may i tell you something.) the words. they are in love with you. flowerworks. how does the sea remember me. every time. this prayer. this prayer. this prayer. elder mandela. here is my heart to place under yours. as right now you are slow breaths and low eye. all that strength you made from horror. from a jail cell. made of your mothers island. i return some to you. here. are my legs. my arms. my voice. madiba. ninety four years is many lives. is many bones to go through. many walks through the sun. many hearts to shed. many stars of joy to comb through your hair. a lot of time to drink. let us hold you now. let us warm the water for your skin. let our youth be your comfort. we have seen how your feet danced. know. that we have committed your rhythm. your song. you. to memory. our weeping is all hope and fresh mourning. we know what the ancestors sound like when they come. when they are ready for you. madiba. if you have done what you came to do. if you are finished transcribing your soul into humanity. we will have our cloth ready. our flowers ready. our songs in our mouths ready. our feet and all the drums ready. our fresh water. our spirits. ready. to walk you home. ash. watching over madiba (june. 23, 2013. 6:07 p.m. est, usa) and what happened when you left madiba. all the water started to weep. and the lands ate our feet. and africa had to keep the sky from jumping into her lap from grief. what happened madiba when you left. we got out the pots. and put our laughter into our teeth. and prepared meals. so we could release you. let you go. as we ground the seed. blew the spice. stirred you into being gone. we ate raw petal. sniffed cinnamon sticks to perfume your leaving our bodies. what happened when you left madiba. they came to dissect your body. wanting us to smile and nod while they plucked your eyes into their pockets for later. for the time when they will make your name. a science. a war. against us. (madiba. you are a different grief. for us.) what happened when you left madiba. your people. we softened. and broke. and kneeled over in pain. and sang. and threw ourselves against the walls. against each other. and hid. and caved. and opened. and tossed ourselves into work. and danced. and shrank. and closed. and ate. and bled. and held on. and ignored. and accepted. and lied. and laughed. and created. and undid. and drank. and drugged. and loved something. someone. somewhere. ourselves. fiercer. and hated. something. someone. somewhere. ourselves. fiercer. and swam. and rejected. and yearned. and distanced. and clawed. and touched. and some of us will disown you. because you hurt too much. some of us will have to say your name for a year. before we are able to sleep. what is left (the day after you have gone) i have been eating flowers. drinking honey. every day. for every meal. all this sweetness eases my blood from missing you, madiba. coping (grief poems) sometimes i want to say it. and there is nothing in english. that will say it. there is oil in the water. i am drunk from all the honey. i have been drinking. for days straight. every night i eat water until i fall asleep. i am trying to remember you, madiba. and let you go at the same time. i am throwing my weeping at the stars. anger (grief poems) i am trying to remember you and let you go at the same time. the mourn i think about winnie. about where she is living in her body right now. where she and madiba. are still in love. in her neck. in her spine. in the ocean she is making with her eyes. (how do you return the sun back to the sky. with someone. and let them leave you.) winnie we return to each other in waves. this is how water loves. be easy. take your time. you are coming home. to yourself. the becoming | wing precious. is a word we barely know. but know we are not. so then i say this to you. you. with the low sun face. with the burning mountain eyes. you. with the skin is that is always dusted with stars. you. with the soil in your thigh. arm. lips. you person of color. you are precious. you are precious. you are precious. spend time with this. i am a soft revolution. the one whose hair is bleeding. my mother gave me islam. my father gave me the god of absence. and here ii am. a religion made of myself. first. anti.blackness: black is non. second. fetish: black non ness is. fascination. taboo. obsession. necessary consumption. third. exotic: the act of making black non ness acceptable. touchable. valuable. fourth. anti.blackness: black is non. the box circle we are a slow golding soil. opulent and starving. the black famine i will hold this space for your return. i will hold this space because everyone of your lives. is our life. this poem is searching for You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. this poem will find you. chibok. (the immutable measure of black life.) what happens when the war. no. longer wants. war. the cure for apathy is memory. there is dark. and there is anti light. these are not the same things. the thing i know as poetry. is that feeling ii get in my eyes. the first time i met my mother. i knew she was not mine. the house i grew up in was all ways sweating. all. ways wet. all. ways hot. all. ways crying in another language. this is why im this. malleable. why there is this. much. water in the blood. anemia all the women. in me. are tired. there is a god in writing. a soft. roaring. unconditional. home of a god. who prays to me. i am mine. before i am ever anyone elses. in melanin is memory. is the blue weight of the ocean. sewn into the red dusk of sky. living in the soil of your body. it is alive. leaping and sweeping you. against. into the sun. your skin was the first astronaut. the first in space. you touch. talk. are intimate with the sun. everyday. and do not perish. melanin. is the world. before this world. before the word. slave. during the word. slave. after the word. slave. it is the books. written into yourself. wild math in the pads of your feet. soft science in your hair. language down your back. invention in your mouth. melanin is why you are still alive. after. the torching. it is a second lung. the next heart. and the next heart. and the next. a never ending. regenerative. breathing thing. a ceremony of life. while you are asleep. a cosmos. in conversation. immortal. melanin is a wisdom that knew. hate would be the anti light come to devour. defile. destroy. a wisdom that did not flinch. a wisdom that is not bothered by such things. melanin is memory. future memory. past memory. your memory. the memory of life. all. in your skin. melanin complexity is just simplicity which refuses to be anything else. i will make you. on my back. ii will raise you this way. a child of the gravity. and the light. constellation your father left. when you were in the womb. took his blood. and walked out the door. while you were in the house of your mother. in the house of your mother. took his blood. when you needed it most. if he could keep searching his hands. in the midst of your creation. could hear you forming on your mothers life. on his life. and gather all his feet in secret. all the other wild adventures of missing. he would drag you through. would only ever be this wound. over and over and over again. your father left. when you were in the womb. took his blood. and walked out the door. it would be the first and final. of all the leavings. all the leavings mothers who leave. for no other reason. than children are water in their throat. drown there is a baby in my blood. and what am i to do. my neck barely carries my head. and i dont have enough to hold a baby in. what will become of my small name. my little laughter will they be filled with milk. and this water mountain (in my waist.) my sister says i must say goodbye to my old voice. (even though it is still hot from my mothers pushing.) she says i must untie my tears from my eyes only at night. she says lua, you will smell like a woman now. and i am lost in the way the sky is falling through her hands as she tells me this. there is a baby in my blood. where will i live. ten if i give birth to twin poems. a year apart from one other. they may look as one person. but they are really two. two lives. breathing from the same mouth. two poetry alters my dna. every poem is a different life. every poem brings me closer to myself. and breaks open a new future inside of me. you want a romance with my blackness. and how it holds you. how it illuminates your skin. makes you break your breath. against itself. and how is this possible. when your world has never made you breath. not once. ever. but my blackness makes you think about yourself. in a way you have never. and you are open. a question. alive. and now hungry. my blackness is your first love. you are convinced it is. showing you what your eyes could never see before. a world bigger. brighter. dark. dusky and wild. unashamed of itself. rebellious. and its cosmic. your relationship with how the night rolls off me into your hands. you and my blackness are soul mates. you met so you could learn. more. expand. because you always knew you were not like the others. who made sure they ate one white thing every day. no. you were always uncomfortable with yourself. you wear my culture around your neck. bask in and praise its jewels. pick it up on days when you want attention. put it down when it starts to stain. (you dont want to be disrespectful and take more than you should. you just want to be a part of something so beautiful.) my blackness came to save you. came to help you escape. the clutches of racism. of having that beast anywhere inside you. around you. next to you. your comfort. intimacy. proximity. with my blackness confirms. and affirms. your nonracism. your lack of hate. it is this heady trip. this painful awesome tryst. that brings you. flushed and moon eyed. to my door with thank yous. and i love yous. you have taught me to be a better person. you have changed my life. but this was never a relationship. i have no idea who you are. and i laugh incredulous and insulted. at the notion that my blackness could ever be your first love. that my blackness is your freedom. that my blackness is yours. fetish you will be black. again. i will wait. anglophile a poem can eat a person whole. for years. i am taking a bath. i am washing a war from me. i need one year. without the dogs of whiteness. trying to devour me. the year (the unrelent) she is the dirty sea in broken lingerie. i hear you say. this. as you throw and throw and throw ones down her throat. and i think about how beautifully her skin guts you like a fish. how she is warm gold on that pole. and the physics of her thighs. the way she breaks your eyes. the home her body makes for your money. but not you. each and every night. and i think. you are the one who is really in pain. a dancers thoughts one wednesday evening on new years day. i woke. showered. the old year into past life. i fried calla lilies. broke honeycomb over my feet. drank water. fed me. eating the man who raps in flowers. andre benjamin you are roasting young honey leaves. and bright mango hearts. for our meal. i bring you the bowls. the quiet bowl. the sour bowl. the gold bowl. the bowl that catches everything. missing nothing. not one sigh. or laugh. or ache. and just like this meal. i am born from the palm of your hands. everyday. hands that catch everything. that miss nothing. not one sigh. or laugh. or ache. hands that feel their way through me. hands that break me open like limes. the hands of akoul. akoul when you are midnight. i always know. all the poignant blue freckle. sweep across you. you silver. then indigo. before completely becoming a war of stars. it is the transformation of human into sky and back again. yrsas poem (this kind of human) ocean. the blue liquor. the blue wine. (that neverending nurturing you need. the sea has it.) every poem. here. is an unwrite. of all that has been written in me without. permission. i will always be a translation. teach you. i cannot. i am too busy making blood. privilege as a black woman. a woman of color. writer. artist. creative. my work is not a literary zoo. for you to come observe. learn. about the animals. or a space to come and dissolve into a plastic empathy. or a space to publicly. loudly. dominantly. flog your privileges. nor is it a warm. indiscriminate. cavernous. lap to lay in. it is a boundary. i am a boundary. unmammy there were times when i needed. no. and it was not there for me. the third parent it is the oldest anger. the oldest anger. the oldest anger. in the world. i learned shukran. (thank you) first. shukran. (thank you) for this meal. shukran. (thank you) for making this for me. shukran. for everything. and in the midst of all of this. gratitude. la. (no) was lost. before. i ever found it. the blunt force of gratitude the way a poem bleaches everything the color of itself. this is the way people stain. pomegranate islam. is still in my life. we are old soulmates. who could not work out the knots against skin. who could not believe in each other. while believing in ourselves. who could not make each other happy. without. making each other a sadness. who were born to each other. and never fell in love. but we still sip tea. share our hands. touch hearts. every now and then. tea so easily. my red mint tea. becomes a red mint sea. and i am drinking a poem. i have not written in months. my fingers are molt. you are with a writer who is not writing. last night you said love, let me read to you i was laying on my stomach as you began translating the book of the fixed stars. by abd al-rahman al-sufi. the persian. sufi. astronomer. you said he handwrote this around 964. a book of the sky. with his hands. we arrive at the page where al-sufi speaks of a little cloud laying at the mouth of a big fish. (this was later named the andromeda galaxy you say) and as you read i am transforming into that thing. i can feel it. i am writing. my stomach is writing. my back is writing. the water behind my right eye is writing. i gather your hands to my lips. i am grateful for you. for the kind of love that will read me the (loosely translated) starworks of incredible sufi astronomers on warm tuesday evenings. (the kind of love that loves a writer when they cannot write.) i am writing my way back to you. you were born august 39th. i was born on the 54th of april. we are something. born. in and out of time. i believe that everyone in the world. has one poem. that is their soulmate. i was made from sex. there is no shame. in such a creation. clean when it comes. and it comes. the sea hunger. the blue fever. a heat rash across my eyes and teeth. you drive hours. take an ice tray to the water. bring it home. to freeze. rub me down with pure ocean. break the heat. seahydration i walk into a poem and walk out someone else. writing when writing. there comes a time. when you must let the writers you love. go. whenever i think about my mother and father. and the amount of cruelty i have ate at their hands. i remember that i am the best of them. and i am at peace. redeem dont give. it. to your children. the thing. that was given to you. the music i knew as father. steveland morris you must write. yourself. before you can write anything else. we. are the re.membering. we have been lightcenturies away. from ourselves. but now we are re.turn.ing yes. by love. we are re.turn.ing. the re.membering do not choose the lesser life. do you hear me. do you hear me. choose the life that is. yours. the life that is seducing your lungs. that is dripping down your chin. whether with a lover or none. i reek of love. i stink of love. i want to keep our body above water. you want to make us a fish. fish a friend. is someone who supports your breath. i see you. training for rain. burning oranges. hoarding feathers beneath your clothes. making a life a life. and i am reeling. from the glory. the power of you. i lay all my lives onto the bed. study my ornate geography. taste all the wild planets i have made. and blush. a red map our image.s. always half. always burning. always welt. always bent. always garish. always crawling. always high. always drunk. always severed. always flayed. always vomiting. always laughter laced with choking. always chained. always searing. always stoic. always monolith. always ghetto. always prisons. always passive. always stunted. always begging. always indifferent. always deceit always vicious. always lazy. always sex. always abusive. always abused. always slave. always adult from birth. always child until death. always pain. always servant. always at a mercy. always unagency. always aggressor. always sadness. always sinister. always rabid. always grasping. always grabbing. always razor blade. always grotesque. always apathetic. always bloody. always beast. always body. always regendered. always misgendered. always gendered. always object. always mammy. always mule. always mockery. always accessories. always vulgar. always poverty. always disgust. ing. always whore. always rage. always blank. always calculating. always docile. always stud. always inept. always killing. always ugly. always dumb. always drugs. always loathing. always tragic. always lurking. always animal. always respectable. politics. always high white. always fetish black. always unpowered. always hyperbolic. always fear. always on fire. always impotent. always destruction. always spectacle. always shatter. always exacted into the perfect porn star. to bring the world to orgasm. emotional porn (the black image industry) i will. and this will end. closure | dankyes the prayers where we do not wish others well. for all the brilliant. fetid. noxious. reasons. the prayers we want to wash from the sky. as soon as they leave our imagination. the ones born with no bones. so they leave no trace. the harmful prayers. we pray. because we have been harmed. we are forgiven those too. the soft law (forgiveness) what is the word beyond. home. after home. where is it. this word. why can i not remember how to say this thing. this feeling that is my whole body. give your creativity permission. its that simple, love. i go. with all the nothings. all the myths. and all the flawings. and return full. a new metal. a waterlight. clothes made of water i try to write with weight and air. this way you are held and set free at the same time. the gold feeling. that lives off the coast of your body. that is solid. and seething with light. the auric coast this book of thick stars. this book is yours. my work. being housed in the length. the organ and wing. of my people. is the only. shiny thing. i need. the shortlist i have a life to garden. a multiverse to wake from sleep. giants i have been wearing the ocean all day. the blue dust. the night. before the night. the cinema of water. over water. over water. dusk you are not racism. you are not racism. you are not racism. you are not racism. you are not racism. your skin is not burden. there is no mark against you. your being is a holy beauty. you. are a holy beauty. ether the first time the mother saw it on her child. she said no. dont you dare. you will not grow up thinking you are unwanted. because your father. chose. himself. over you. this will not be your story because it is not the truth. the truth. is. your creation is not about him. not about me. you came through us, my love. we were your vessel. the truth is you were born for you. you were wanted by you. you came for you. you are here for you. your existence is yours. yes. you will want him. (and on odd and warm nights he will think of you and hold himself tighter.) but. what you do not get. from him. does not make you less. does not make you unwanted. (trust that all you did not receive. all you need. will come to you. in time. the universe is infinite.) the first time the mother saw it on her child. she said no. dont you dare. you will not grow up thinking you are unwanted. because your mother. chose herself. over you. this will not be your story because it is not the truth. the truth. is. your creation is not about her. not about me. you came through us, my love. we were your vessel. the truth is. you were born for you. you were wanted by you. you came for you. you are here for you. your existence is yours. yes. you will want her. (and on odd and warm nights she will think of you and hold herself tighter.) but. what you do not get. from her. does not make you less. does not make you unwanted. (trust that all you did not receive. all you need. will come to you. in time. the universe is infinite.) the first time they saw it on their child. they said no. dont you dare. you will not grow up thinking you are unwanted. because they. chose themselves. over you. this will not be your story because it is not the truth. the truth. is your creation is not about them. not about me. you came through us, my love, we were your vessel. the truth is you were born for you. you were wanted by you. you came for you. you are here for you. your existence is yours. yes. you will want them. (and on odd and warm nights they will think of you and hold themselves tighter.) but. what you do not get. from them. does not make you less. does not make you unwanted. (trust that all you did not receive. all you need. will come to you. in time. the universe is infinite.) the first time the father saw it on his child. he said no. dont you dare. you will not grow up thinking you are unwanted. because your father. chose himself. over you. this will not be your story because it is not the truth. the truth. is your creation is not about him. not about me. you came through us, my love. we were your vessel. the truth is you were born for you. you were wanted by you. you came for you. you are here for you. your existence is yours. yes. you will want him. (and on odd and warm nights he will think of you and hold himself tighter.) but. what you do not get. from him. does not make you less. does not make you unwanted. (trust that all you did not receive. all you need. will come to you. in time. the universe is infinite.) the first time the father saw it on his child. he said no. dont you dare. you will not grow up thinking you are unwanted. because your mother. chose herself. over you. this will not be your story because it is not the truth. the truth. is your creation is not about her. not about me. you came through us, my love, we were your vessel. the truth is you were born for you. you were wanted by you. you came for you. you are here for you. your existence is yours. yes. you will want her. ( and on odd and warm nights she will think of you and hold herself tighter.) but. what you do not get. from her. does not make you less. does not make you unwanted. (trust that all you did not receive. all you need. will come to you. in time. the universe is infinite.) the first time the caregiver saw it on the child. they said no. dont you dare. you will not grow up thinking you are unwanted. because your parents. chose themselves. over you. this will not be your story because it is not the truth. the truth. is your creation is not about them. you came through them, my love, they were your vessel. the truth. is you were born for you. you were wanted by you. you came for you. you are here for you. your existence is yours. yes. you will want them. (and on odd and warm nights they will think of you and hold themselves tighter.) but. what you do not get. from them. does not make you less. does not make you unwanted. (trust that all you did not receive. all you need. will come to you. in time. the universe is infinite.) a love poem (six ways) just for tonight just for tonight. be the tenderest thing. in the universe. this whole book is weeping. and every pore of this book is joy. and that is the feast. . .