Tabb Mark A. - Counting the days while my mind slips away: a love letter to my family

BEN UTECHT played tight end for the Indianapolis Colts and Cincinnati Bengals. As a national speaker, author, and advocate for brain health, Utecht has worked diligently to spread education and awareness regarding concussions, and recently accepted the Ambassador award presented by the Minnesota Brain Injury Alliance. He was the national spokesperson on concussion for the American Academy of Neurology and sits on the board of the American Brain Foundation. He received the 2014 Public Leadership in Neurology Award from the AAN, which is the organizations most prestigious honor.

MARK TABB has authored or coauthored more than thirty books, including the number-one New York Times bestseller Mistaken Identity .

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Copyright 2016 by Ben Utecht

Jacket design by Bruce Gore

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First Howard Books hardcover edition August 2016

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-5011-3660-3

ISBN 978-1-5011-3669-6 (ebook)

This story was written for my daughters:

ElleoraGod is my light

KatrielGod is my crown

Amy JoanBeloved gift from God

HavenPlace of safety and refuge

And dedicated first to:

My beautiful wife, Karyn; you are my rock and my hope.

And second, to:

All the family and friends who have filled my life full of memories.

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS leaving my wife, Karyn, at home while I joined my churchs worship band for a Friday afternoon practice. Karyns OB-GYN told us that the baby could come at any moment. However, our first daughter came a week late, and we had no reason to expect our last daughter would be in any more of a hurry.

I walked into the church at 3:00 p.m. wondering if I had made the right decision by coming to practice. It wasnt comforting that my good friend and lead worship pastor, Terry, greeted me sarcastically with Your wife had better not go into labor tonight!

If I thought she was going to, I wouldnt be here, I replied with a laugh.

We got right down to business and started playing. I wanted to get home as quickly as I could. In spite of my bold statement to Terry, I couldnt stop thinking Karyn might actually go into labor while I was playing a guitar. We worked through the first song several times until it felt right and then moved on to the next, a song called I Surrender. Terry asked me to sing the lead on the second song because the song has played a huge role in my life. I scrolled ahead to the beginning of the lyrics on my iPad as our keyboardist played the intro. The song is powerful, and the opening melody is almost haunting. I counted off the time in my head, breathed, and began singing, Here I am, down on my knees again, Surrendering all, Surrendering all....

Before I could sing the next line a text message popped up on my iPad screen. My water broke. Please come home immediately. My heart rate jumped through the roof. All I could think was, You have got to be kidding me! My voice cracked. Terry, youre not going to believe this.... I gotta go, guys. Karyns water broke. Were going to have a baby!

Even though this was our third pregnancy and fourth child (thanks to a surprise set of identical twin girls), Karyn and I had never experienced the frantic race to the hospital. Doctors induced labor with our oldest, Elleora, and the twins were born via emergency C-section. When we found out Karyn was pregnant a third time, she was determined to experience a natural birth from beginning to end. A VBAC birth, that is, vaginal birth after cesarean, is risky, but since Karyn was a strong candidate to be successful, we decided to go for it.

I ran out of the church and jumped in my truck. The ten-minute drive to our house took me maybe eight minutes. I pulled into the driveway, ran through the front door, and immediately panicked as I found Karyn sitting in the bathroom in the middle of a contraction with amniotic fluid everywhere. I ran over to her and asked, Are you okay? What can I do? How long do you think we have? I dont think I waited for any answers before running upstairs to our room and throwing clothes into a suitcase. Karyn had already packed her bag, but I had not. I knew she could go into labor at any time but I had it in my mind that we still had at least a week. After throwing a bunch of random things into my bag, I ran back downstairs and asked Karyn, Are you ready?

She was calm. Yes, Ben. Slow down. We have time.

I tried slowing down, but I couldnt. I got her to the truck and took off for the hospital, which was about twenty-five minutes away. The drive never seemed long before, but now it felt like we had to drive across the country. I flew down our driveway and out onto the narrow road that leads to our house. I barely stopped at the stop sign, then turned onto the main road that leads to Interstate 35. All I could think about was getting to the hospital and keeping Karyn comfortable on the drive. Do you want me to turn on some music? I asked. Is there anything I can do for you? What can I do to help?

Just get us there safely. Im okay, Karyn said. I kept asking the last question every couple of minutes.