Frederickson - The Lies we tell ourselves: how to face the truth, accept yourself, and create a better life

Praise for The Lies We Tell Ourselves

With a blast of truth, Fredericksona world-class psychotherapy teacherlays out the essentials of effective therapy. With clarity, a brilliant writing style, and many real-life examples, he shows us how a connection to the truth breaks down the walls and barriers that keep us from having a loving connection with others. The Lies We Tell Ourselves is destined to be a classic enjoyed by sensitive people (and their therapists) for generations to come.

Thomas M Brod, MD, Distinguished Fellow, American Psychiatric Association, and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, David Geffen School of Medicine, University of California, Los Angeles

In The Lies We Tell Ourselves, master clinician Jon Frederickson affords us a front-row seat to witness the dramatic changes that can take place when we have the courage to let go of our defenses, embrace our true feelings, and step into our lives in a more honest way. Youre sure to be inspired.

Ronald J. Frederick, PhD, psychologist and author of Living Like You Mean It

The Lies We Tell Ourselves explodes our illusions so we might come into true, authentic relationship with ourselves and others, the essence of love. The world is full of distortion and avoidance, but Jon creates a startling space where emotional truth can be fearlessly spoken. His writing has the feel of both psychological and spiritual mastery. His brilliant, richly informed, hard-fought, and gritty wisdom is a gift to us all.

Susan Warshow, MSW, DEFT Institute

In his latest book, The Lies We Tell Ourselves, Jon Frederickson shows us how we can face the truth of our lives so we can live fully engaged with the world and not with our fantasies of how we would like things to be. Basing his work on common struggles that each of us face, he shows us how to wrestle with and not avoid the existential issues that are inherently human and that derive from consciousness, such as death anxiety, loneliness, fear of abandonment, and isolation.

Jeffrey J. Magnavita, PhD, ABPP, Past President, Division of Psychotherapy, American Psychological Association

Simply reading the loving wisdom in this masterful book by Jon Frederickson is perfect preparation for everyone who is contemplating psychotherapy or who wishes to re-engage therapy at a new level. Mental health and caregiving professionals will also benefit.

The vignettes in this book take us straight into the sacred space of Jons rooms where we can fully appreciate the smooth, loving, dextrous, surprising, and profoundly transformative ways in which he accompanies clients through the tragedies of lifeloss, separation, divorce, grief, suicide, addictioninto authentic wholeness and fulfillment.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to everyone who wants to see what therapy is really about or who wants to increase the value of the psychotherapy they engage in or offer to others.

Peter Fenner, PhD, author of Radiant Mind and Natural Awakening

How to Face the Truth, Accept Yourself, and Create a Better Life

Jon Frederickson

SEVEN LEAVES PRESS

Copyright 2017 by Jon Frederickson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator at the address below.

Seven Leaves Press

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Kansas City, MO 64111

www.sevenleavespress.com

Ordering Information

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Printed in the United States of America

Cataloging-in-Publication

Frederickson, Jon, author.

The lies we tell ourselves : how to face the truth, accept yourself, and create a better life / Jon Frederickson. -- First edition.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references. LCCN 2016907072

ISBN 978-0-9883788-8-9 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-9883788-9-6 (ebook)

1. Self-deception. 2. Denial (Psychology) 3. Self-acceptance. 4. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title.

BF697.5.S426F74 2017

158.1QBI16-900063

First Edition

21 20 19 18 17 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

L ife is hard, but psychological suffering can be unbearable. To find a way to bear it, we may seek a therapist. A good therapist has an innate wisdom born from the pain of life, a wisdom that can be earned no other way. But once we find such a person, how do we work together to stop our suffering?

To answer this question, we must understand why we suffer and how we return to health. We become ill because of the lies we swallowed and the lies we tell ourselves to avoid pain. Perhaps we swallowed a lie that we are bad rather than recognize that a person wronged us. We might tell ourselves a lie such as Things will get better rather than face a crumbling marriage. We become well by facing the truths of our inner life and outer life together. All of us tell ourselves lies to avoid pain: its human. The problem? We dont see the ways we fool ourselves. Thats why we seek a therapist: to help us face what we avoid.

This book can help you see not only the falsehoods that cause our suffering but how to face the truth to become free. It will help you see what therapy looks like when it leads to change. Therapy is not merely a chat, a checklist review, or the solving of you as a crossword puzzle. Therapy is a relationship between two people devoted to facing the deepest truths of our lives so we can be healed.

We will explore the lies that make us ill so we can embrace the truth that makes us well. In this era of managed care, we are in danger of losing sight of the soul of therapy. Who are we? Why do we suffer? What are we seeking? This book will try to answer these questions, not through definitions but through vignettes that show how facing what we avoid leads to genuine change.

In these vignettes, all identifying information has either been deleted or changed to protect the confidentiality of the people involved. These stories are used to show the truths we all struggle to face and the universal ways we avoid those truths. In a sense, these stories about other people are about us. All of us struggle to face the truth.

Many of the people presented here have experienced such horrendous pain that you may find their words hard to read. Your task will be to empathize with their pain and to recognize your pain through theirs. And through these stories you will see how the seemingly obvious cause for our pain is usually not the actual cause of our suffering.

We suffer because we run from life, death, and the teachings they offer. We become healed when we embrace our inner life, our loved ones, and life itself. Is the mystery of you knowable? No, but you are embraceable. This book will show how to embrace the truth of you.

A woman sat down in my office, sighed, and said, I dont know what to do about my marriage. My husband keeps having affairs. Weve been in couples therapy, but it hasnt done any good. He feels guilty, or at least thats what he says. But every time he promises to be faithful, he gets involved with another woman. I should leave, but its easier to stay in the marriage than to divorce.