Ross - I only roast the ones I love: how to bust balls without burning bridges

I ONLY ROAST theONES I LOVE

I ONLY ROAST theONES I LOVE

BUSTING BALLS WITHOUT BURNING BRIDGES

Simon Spotlight Entertainment A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

1230 Avenue of the America New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 2009 by Jeffrey Ross Al rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

First Simon Spotlight Entertainment hardcover edition September 2009

SIMON SPOTLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com.

The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

Designed by Davina Mock-Maniscalco Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Ross, Jeffrey, 1965 I only roast the ones I love : busting balls without burning bridges / Jeffrey Ross.1st Simon Spotlight Entertainment hardcover ed.

p. cm.

1. Roasts (Public speaking) 2. American wit and humor. I. Title.

PN4193.R63R67 2009

808.51dc22 2009021130

ISBN 978-1-4391-0140-7

ISBN 978-1-4391-6420-4 (ebook) This book is dedicated to everybody I have ever made fun of. Thanks for being such good sports. (Especially you, Bea Arthur!) This book is also a love letter to all the great Roastmasters who came before me. I hope they are taking turns insulting me from that big podium in the sky.

And to the Roastmasters who will come after me, I say fuck you and happy roasting.

The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.

SIGMUND FREUD

MY NAME IS JEFFREY ROSS, but I am commonly known as the Roastmaster General. Im not entirely sure how I got this title, but it has stuck and I am proud of it. Most stand-up comics are self-deprecating. Im all-deprecating. Sure, I occasionally make fun of myselfbut I specialize in making fun of others. Im what is commonly known as an insult comic. Diss is my life.

I never planned on making fun of people for a living. It happened by accident. In fact, my whole life has been a series of happy and not-so-happy accidents that have transformed me into the black belt in busting balls that I am today. I am very fond of my reputation, but I must admit that its a blessing and a curse. I may make a nice livingbut every now and then somebody wants to kill me.

With this book I offer you my philosophies of roasting, which are also my principles for a better life. If you adapt these principles to your own experiences, they will surely help guide your journey through an increasingly harsh world.

WE ALL HAVE AN INNER ROASTMASTER

OUR WORLD IS FULL OF Roastmasters. Some of them are well known. But most of them are completely unknown. They live amongst us. They live inside of us. They are the part of us that occasionally says out loud what most people only dare think to themselves. The part of us that isnt afraid of severe consequences. The part of us that isnt afraid to die for a laugh. The part of us willing to take a punch from Courtney Love, if necessary.

It is the Roastmasters belief that gracing someone you admire with unfiltered honesty is the highest form of respect you can pay themespecially when its delivered in the form of a well-crafted joke.

Of course, not everyone has the guts to channel their inner Roastmaster. In fact, most people have the good sense NOT to insult people to their faces.

Instead, they talk behind peoples backs after they leave. They gossip. They whisper. They say mean things. They laugh at the weaknesses of others. This is just human nature. But a Roastmaster defies human nature. A Roastmaster goes for it. A Roastmaster tells it like it is. A Roastmaster says, Fuck em if they cant take a joke. A Roastmaster kills.

A ROASTMASTER MUST HAVE THICK SKIN

IF A ROASTMASTER IS GOING to dish it out, hed better be able to take it.

I first began developing a tough exterior when I was just a baby crawling around my grandparents cramped apartment in the Bronx. My nana Helen was making tea. While lifting the kettle from the stove to the table, she stumbled over me and spilled some boiling water onto my back. I didnt cry. No doubt I was in some kind of shock. My grandfather Pop Jack scooped me up with his giant hands and ran me fifteen blocks to the hospital. Since then, the scar behind my left shoulder serves as a reminder that my skin is thick enough to withstand anything life has to drop on it, especially insults.

I love it when other roasters take shots at me. Its a sign of love and affection. Below are some of my all-time favorites: Jeff Ross has a very active sex life. Every night he fucks an entire audience out of fifteen bucks apiece.

Lisa Lampanel

Jeff Ross, forgive me for not recognizing you earlierits just that when I see a face like yours it usually has a bag of oats hanging from it.

William Shatner

Hey, Jeff RossIm gonna give you a rap name, Old Ugly Bastard.

Flavor Flav

You know, Jeff does these roasts every year. Its like a holiday for him, Bomb Kippur. Yeah, nigga! I know some Jew shit too!

Snoop Dogg

I get a lot of flak from critics for being homophobic, but lemme tell you somethin I think having invited Jeff Ross here tonight proves how much I love the queers.

Larry the Cable Guy

Jeff Ross and I, we both perform for the troops. Difference is, Jeff charged for his shows.

Toby Keith

For your safety please avert your eyes and welcome the porkRoastmaster General Jeffrey Ross!

John Stamos

Whats up with Pam Andersons implants? Pam, youve been flattened out and reinflated more times than Jeff Rosss prom date.

Greg Geraldo

You cannot have a roast without our next comic, but it would be great if for once we tried. He is the Michael Jordan of baseball of roastsand is literally the only person in this room Pamela Anderson wouldnt fuck.

Jimmy Kimmel

Jeff Rosss dick is so small he can pee on his nuts.

Jamie Foxx