Seth - How to Be Socially Successful

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Copyright Suhel Seth 2011

The moral right of the author has been asserted

This digital edition published in 2017.

e-ISBN: 978-9-386-081508-8

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

RULE 1

The Summing Up Rule

(its all about values, not valuation)

WHAT THIS RULE
WILL TEACH YOU

The pillars of social success

The need for EQor the
enjoyment quotient

Ultimately, social success rests on two pillars: respect and trust. The only way you can achieve this is by focusing on values and not valuations. Dont judge someone by their bank balance, social stature, and influence. Judge them by what they believe in and how they behave. Treat them accordingly and you will reap the dividends. Remember this one simple rule: there is no point sucking up to the rich because they are not going to leave their money behind to you or me. It is their money.

This is my favourite rule and one that keeps me grounded in reality (or at least I hope it does). But, easy as it may be to write down, its extremely difficult to follow, especially in times such as these when we are evaluating everything on the basis of scale and size. How big is the house? How big is the car? How big is the bank balance? But we never ask, how big a heart does a person have? Does he give back to the community? Is he big on taking care of his employees and family members?

We no longer care about someones value system. We see people only through the prism of wealth and are slowly becoming victims of valuations, rather than believers in values. This is not just sad but also self-defeating. As a concept, valuations are an external judgement of your capacity and worth. Values are what lie within and once we recognize this, only then will we appreciate how much more there is to this world than just money. Understand this and you will develop the skill of measuring people for what they really are. As I have said before, social success depends on your ability to make friendships and relationships that are genuine.

SUB-RULE 1

Same same, not different

Remember always that the rich and powerful ultimately want the same things as the rest of us. I was once told by a friend of mine that at a certain stage of success (he mentioned a figure of Rs 20 crores in the bank) ones life and Mukesh Ambanis could be just the same in terms of EQ, or enjoyment quotient, as he calls it. With that kind of money, one can wear the same kind of clothes as Ambani or have the same car, although we may never have a house like Antilla or the fleet of jets that he possesses.

The larger point my friend was making was that one could have the same level of enjoyment as Mukesh Ambani without having the same amount of wealth as he does. Two people with disparate incomes can still possess the same EQ. Ratan Tata, in an interview to the Economist, once said that all he looks forward to at the end of the day, is a good nights sleep. Hes really saying the same thing, just in a different way. All of us ultimately want a night of calm, peaceful, guilt-free sleep. We are all equals despite our trappings. Remember this always.

To the outside world, I may be a successful person with influential friends but as I hope youll have noticed by now, I choose my friends because of our shared values, not on the basis of a cynical valuation of their assets. My friends arent just contacts from my little black book. They are people I love, to whom I am committed to (as I said before, always be a 2 am friend) and whom I admire.

No matter how powerful or influential a crook is, you should realize that you can never have him as your true friend. So keep it at an acquaintance level. My simple belief is, never go to someones home if you dont respect them, no matter how socially relevant or influential they may be. You should do the same too.

Lastly, dont take the better option. Never ever dump friends because they are not important in your scheme of things. That is not why they are or became your friends. Friendship is not a bargain. It is an alliance of values and souls. Take my dear friend, Arun Sarin, the former global CEO of Vodafone (he was a client first and became a friend later). He and his wife will travel all the way from their home in California to attend every family function in Delhi and not as mere tokenism. If theyre at the function, then they will be thoroughly involved and will participate in all activities. They never take their family for granted. I have often seen many make the mistake of doing so as soon as they reach a level of success. Often, the first set of people someone takes for granted is their family.

SUB-RULE 2

Old versus new

Never give precedence to your new friends over your childhood friends. Your childhood friends are the only ones who will never judge you for what you have become or when youve failed. They are the ones who will also keep your head on your shoulders. As I have said before, I never subtract from my guest list. I keep my old friends and add to that.

The doors to every home will be open to you once you free yourself from a life of valuation. After all, while some of getting ahead in life is about being smart and purposeful, the most important aspect is knowing that respect and love can never be bought. They have to be earned.