Stefanie Stahl - The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self

Everybody needs a place where they feel protected, secure, and welcome. Everybody yearns for a place where they can relax and be fully themselves. Ideally, the childhood home was one such place. For those of us who felt accepted and loved by our parents, our home provided this warmth. It was a heartwarming placethe very thing that everybody yearns for. And we internalize this feeling from childhoodthat of being accepted and welcomeas a fundamental, positive attitude toward life that accompanies us through adulthood: we feel secure in the world and in our own life. Were self-confident and trusting of others. Theres the notion of basic trust, which is like a home within ourselves, providing us with internal support and protection.

Many people, however, associate their childhood with largely negative experiences, some even traumatic. Others had an unhappy childhood, but have repressed those memories. They can barely recall what happened. Then there are those who believe their childhood was normal or even happy, only to discover, upon closer examination, that they have been deluding themselves. And though people may attempt to repress or, as an adult, downplay childhood experiences of insecurity or rejection, there are moments in everyday life that will reveal how underdeveloped their basic trust remains. They have self-esteem issues and frequently doubt that they are welcome and that their coworkers, romantic partner, boss, or new friend truly likes them. They dont really like themselves all that much, they have a range of insecurities, and they often struggle in relationships. Unable to develop basic trust, they therefore lack a sense of internal support. Instead, they hope that others will provide them with these feelings of security, protection, stability, and home. They search for home with their partner, their colleagues, in their softball league, or online, only to be disappointed: other people can provide this feeling of home sporadically at best. Those who lack a home on the inside will never find one on the outside. They cant tell that theyre caught in a trap.

When we talk about these childhood influenceswhich, along with our genetic makeup, largely define our character and self-esteemwe are discussing a part of our personality referred to in psychology as the inner child. In other words, the inner child represents the sum of impressions made on us as childrenthe good and the bad, experienced through our parents and other important figures. We dont consciously remember most of these experiences. They are, however, permanently etched on our unconscious mind. Its safe to say that the inner child is a significant part of the unconscious. Its the fears, concerns, and adversities we have experienced from the cradle onward. On the other hand, it also represents all the positive influences from our youth.

The negative influences are what primarily plague us as adults. After all, the child within us works hard not to relive the humiliations and injuries it suffered during childhood. At the same time, this child still yearns for the feelings of security and approval that came up short back then. These fears and desires are active in the recesses of our consciousness. On the conscious level, we are independent adults living our lives. On the unconscious level, however, our inner child exercises significant sway over our perception, behavior, and ways of feeling and thinking. Its far stronger than our intellect, in fact. It has been scientifically proven that the unconscious is an incredibly powerful mental force that steers upward of 80 to 90 percent of our experiences and actions.

An example to illustrate: Michael loses his temper every time his partner, Sarah, forgets something thats important to him. She recently forgot to buy his favorite kind of chips while grocery shopping, and he completely flipped out. Sarah was stunnedto her, it was just a bag of chips. To Michael, meanwhile, it was as if the world were ending. What was going on?

Michael doesnt realize that its his inner child that feels disregarded and disrespected when Sarah forgets something important to him, even if thats just a bag of chips. He doesnt know that the reason for his rage isnt Sarah and the forgotten snack, but rather a deep wound from the past: namely the fact that his mother did not take his wishes seriously when he was a child. With her shopping mistake, Sarah unwittingly poured salt in this old wound. Since Michael doesnt see the connection between his reaction toward Sarah and his experiences with his mother, however, his own influence over his feelings and behavior is limited. The fight about chips isnt an isolated event. Michael and Sarah fight frequently about mundane things, because neither is aware of what their disagreements are