Darlene Tando - The Conscious Parents Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Childs Authentic Self

Avon, Massachusetts

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my two amazing children. You light up my life every day! Thank you for sharing me as I try to make the world a better place.

This book is also dedicated to all "my" other children; thank you for letting me be a part of your life. You will always have a special place in my heart.

Copyright 2016 Simon and Schuster

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-9630-1

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9630-8

eISBN 10: 1-4405-9631-X

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9631-5

This book is intended as general information only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any health condition. In light of the complex, individual, and specific nature of health, this book is not intended to replace individualized, personal consultation with a medical professional. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are intended to supplement, not replace, the advice of a trained medical professional. The author and publisher disclaim any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of this book.

Cover design by Nicola DosSantos.

I would like to express my deepest appreciation to those who have supported me in writing this book, both personally and professionally. Thank you to my wonderful friends and family for believing in me as I tried to do it all. Special thanks goes to Ashley, Kim, Kate, Bonnie, Julie, John, Nora, Rich, Tami, and my parents Ted and Linda for supporting me with words of encouragement and helping me out with my kids to allow time to write. Id also like to thank Evan for encouraging me to start and write my gender blog, which led me to this book.

Id like to extend my sincerest gratitude to my clients and colleagues who carried the excitement about this book for me as I hunkered down to write. Thank you to my sounding boards: Jo, Aydin, a.t., Will, Asaf, and julie; your input was invaluable. I also wish to acknowledge ALL of my clients who inspire and teach me every day. Thank you to the families I work with for trusting me with your children and allowing me to walk this journey with you. It is nothing short of an honor to bear witness to your pain, triumphs, and unconditional love. Thank you to my adult gender expansive and transgender clients; allowing me glimpses into your hearts and your childhoods reinforces why it is so important for gender expansive children of today to be affirmed and celebrated.

Lastly, but most importantly, Id like to thank KD. Thank you for trusting me and opening the door to this world for me. Im eternally grateful.

There may be a number of reasons why you chose to read this book. Perhaps you are raising a gender-expansive child (a child who expands beyond what is expected for their assigned gender at birth, either in expression or identity) and want to be sure you are doing it in the most conscious way possible. Perhaps you are already a conscious parent who has recently realized you are raising a gender-expansive child and want to learn more about the topic. Maybe you have seen a persistent and consistent gender expansiveness in your child, and you want to make sure you are responding in a way that is best for their development.

For those of you further along in the journey, some of this book will feel like review. For those of you new to the gender-expansive journey, welcome! It can seem overwhelming at first, but please remember you dont have to know everything about gender and all its intricacies right from the start.

If you have just started noticing or realizing your childs gender expansiveness, you may feel a sense of urgency and feel like you cant read this book fast enough. Give yourself permission to slow down. There is likely no emergency. Give yourself time and space to breathe and think so you can ground yourself in such a way that will help you feel more prepared to walk this journey with your child.

One core concept to get you started is that an accepting, affirmative approach is best for your gender-expansive child. In your behaviors, decisions, and statements to your child, communicate this: Any way you are is okay.

Another core concept from which to operate is that you do not have to have all the answers. Your child likely has many answers waiting to be revealed. Ask many questions! If your child communicates to you (either verbally or nonverbally) that they are feeling like they have a gender identity other than their assigned gender at birth, ask questions. Explore. Over time, your childs authentic self will become more clear.

When you first notice your childs gender expansiveness, or recognize a gender identity that is different from what you expected, you will likely need to quiet the interference in your head. You may begin to worry in the form of what ifs. You may start to imagine negative input from outside sources, and you might begin thinking about how you will explain your childs gender expression or gender identity to others. You may start to get caught up in your own expectations and make projections onto your child, getting swept away by resulting emotions. When this happens, pause for a moment. Come back to the right now, the place and time where you are with your child. Quiet the interfering voices and know that the most important voice is that of your childs. The only way you will hear it is if you are connected to your child and conscious, mindful of the present moment. Remind yourself this is about your child and their happiness, and that they are your guide on this journey.

If your child is expansive in their gender expression, try to consistently come from an affirming place. Allow your child to express themselves in a way that seems to come from their most authentic place. Do not try to control it or warn about potential reactions of others. If your child verbally discloses their alternate gender identity, ask questions. You dont have to give answers. If you are feeling particularly stumped by a question, turn it around. I dont know, what do you think? Other exploratory, open-ended questions include:

• What makes you think that?
• How do you know that?
• What is your heart telling you?
• What feels right?
• What is the little voice inside telling you?
• How did you figure that out?
• Why do you think its like that?
• How do you feel about that?

The process of your child revealing exactly what they need and who they are, as well as you coming to understand all the many aspects of your childs identity, is an evolutionary process. Take your time. Enjoy your child along the way.

Being a conscious parent is all about building strong, sustainable bonds with your child through mindful living and awareness. Traditional power-based parenting techniques that promote compliance and obedience can disconnect you from your child. Conscious parenting, on the other hand, helps you develop a positive emotional connection with your child. You acknowledge your childs unique self and attempt to empathize with their way of viewing the world. Through empathetic understanding and compassion you create a safe environment where your child feels their ideas and concerns are truly being heard. This approach benefits all children, especially children who are gender-expansive or transgender. These children need you to be able to stay open and stay with them on their gender journey, through all the twists and turns. Additionally, because gender-expansive journeys can have some challenges, staying in a place of acceptance for yourself and your child without judgment is crucial for the well-being of both of you.