Dara Hoffman-Fox - You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery

Disclaimer: The contents of this book are presented for informational and supportive purposes only and are not intended to replace the services of a mental health or medical professional. Should you have questions about the presented material, contact your own doctor or clinician. Should you need immediate assistance, please contact 911 (if it is available in your area) or go to the nearest emergency room.

Copyright 2017 by Dara Hoffman-Fox

Toward a Transformation of the Self 2017 by Zinnia Jones

Introduction 2017 by Sam Dylan Finch

Foreword 2017 by Zander Keig

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Jean Mangahas and Jane Sheppard

Cover photo by Shutterstock

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2305-4

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2307-8

Printed in the United States of America

To the hundreds of counseling clients Ive worked with since opening my private practice in 2008. Theirs are the faces and stories that inspire me to continue forward on my mission: to support and guide those who are transgender, nonbinary, and gender diverse, and to create a welcoming, safe, and supportive world in which these individuals are free to be themselves.

Table of Contents

A note on this book: This book was originally conceived as a print edition. Many of the sections contain prompts or exercises that would normally require a written answer. Due to the limitations of e-readers, you can't fill these in on-screen. Feel free to use the exercises as a template and write down your answers in an alternate format.

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

C. G. Jung

It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.

Joseph Campbell

How am I not myself?

Brad Stand, I Heart Huckabees

Toward a Transformation of the Self

BY ZINNIA JONES

G ender feels fundamental to the self and seems as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world to us. Instead, some of us find this occluded by a dense fog of uncertainty, misconceptions, anxieties, and stereotypesanimated by self-doubt and amplified by harmful cultural messages about whats expected of different genders. For those who find we cant comfortably fit within a given gender assignment, there is a strained relationship between ourselves and the world: were given so little exposure to the conceptual, metaphorical, and literal language needed to recognize and describe who we are. Who could be expected to look at the crude caricatures and shallow sensationalism that represent the worlds understanding of gender variance and see themselves in these depictions? In a very real way, we find ourselves unable to speak. Its this starvation of understanding that continues to deny us such a key element of ourselvesand when were still so uncertain of who and what we are, how can we find our place in the world?

For me, the distance from myselffrom the worldtook on an almost physical presence. Straining to hear my own thoughts, I often found nothing but static. It was impossible to visualize my own form or mentally place myself anywhere. Even my skin felt as if its surface were unstable, flickering, somehow ill-fitting, forcing a blurry-edged separation from reality itself. Such an alienation from life exacts a heavy toll on us as we simply try to continue existing in this world.

Youre likely reading this book because you have questions about yourself that are significant enough that youre prepared to work at finding the answers. Youve been giving serious thought to your experience of gender, its role in your life, and how this may need to change. In terms of value in clarifying such questions and providing meaningful direction toward self-understanding, Daras book is revolutionary. Most media depictions emphasize the most physically striking outcomes of gender questioning: visuals of applying makeup or shaving, of hospital beds or operating theaters. They offer little in the way of education about the necessary steps that precede thisthe introspection and deliberative self-exploration thats far less flashy and photogenic, yet absolutely fundamental to everything that may follow. This book is an ambitious endeavor designed to facilitate achieving a basic realization of ones gender and deciding what should be done with it.

Daras comprehensive guide presents a detailed walkthrough of the process of more firmly establishing your gender: breaking through the fears that can cloud your self-perception, taking a clear and thorough look around the current landscape of your gender, and determining where to voyage outward from there. It is one of the most complete collections of such advice that has ever been compiled. Techniques for gender exploration have typically been scattered across the Internet, circulated by individuals and communities offering a listening ear and a helping hand. Ive personally been contacted by hundreds of gender-questioning people who simply wanted someone to help them clarify their thoughts and hopefully find a new coherence in their selfhood. Its an experience Ive been through myself, seeking out other trans people and scraping together as many insights as I could find from those who had worked through this before.

This hard-won awareness and the activation of a new understanding of the self is of the utmost importance to those figuring out their gender. With an impressively detailed toolkit of exercises, Daras book has the potential to streamline and accelerate this process in an extraordinary fashion. This is the book I wish I had on hand when I felt helpless in the face of my anxiety about my changing body. I wish I had this book when I was struggling to come to grips with the reality that my intimate relationships only ever worked when I could be a woman. And while Ive always regretted not having the time and resources to work with everyone whos asked me for help with their gender, I believe this book is exactly the resource all of them deserve to have.

Foreword

BY SAM DYLAN FINCH

W hen I started my gender journey, no one gave me permission to be uncertain or afraid. And further, no one told me what I should do if I was. I started exploring my gender without a guide, without comfort, and without a clueand as you can imagine, I felt like a queer fish out of water.

A lot of questions ran through my head. If this is my truth, why am I so unsure? If Im transgender, why am I so scared? If this is the path Im supposed to be on, why do I feel so confused?

If this sounds like you, let me be the first to tell you this: everything that youre feeling is not only okay, but its also completely normal.