Jenna Flowers - The Conscious Parents Guide to Coparenting: A Mindful Approach to Creating a Collaborative, Positive Parenting Plan

Avon, Massachusetts

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my coparent Erik who makes it possible for me to take on each and every goal I set for myself. To our children Kaylie, Tyson, and Keaton: you are the lights that burn brightly in your fathers and my heart. How blessed I feel that our light grows ever brighter together.

To the coparents who have given me the privilege of sitting with them and making sense of their stories. You have taught me so much.

Copyright 2016 by F+W Media, Inc.

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

Contains material adapted from The Everything Guide to Stepparenting by Erin A. Munroe, LMHC, and Irene S. Levine, PhD, copyright 2009 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-60550-055-0, ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-055-3; The Everything Parents Guide to Children and Divorce by Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD, copyright 2006 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59337-418-6, ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-418-1; and The Everything Parents Guide to Raising Mindful Children by Jeremy Wardle and Maureen Weinhardt, copyright 2013 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-4405-6130-3, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-6130-6.

ISBN 10: 1-4405-9519-4

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9519-6

eISBN 10: 1-4405-9520-8

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9520-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Flowers, Jenna, author.

The conscious parent's guide to coparenting: a mindful approach to

creating a collaborative, positive parenting plan / Jenna Flowers.

Avon, Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2016. | Series: The conscious

parent's guides.

Includes index.

LCCN 2016002473 (print) | LCCN 2016010514 (ebook) | ISBN

9781440595196 (pb) | ISBN 1440595194 (pb) | ISBN

9781440595202 (ebook) | ISBN 1440595208 (ebook)

LCSH: Parenting, Part-time. | Parent and child. | Divorced parents.

| Children of divorced parents. | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Divorce

& Separation. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Parenting / Stepparenting.

LCC HQ755.8 .F635 2016 (print) | LCC HQ755.8 (ebook) | DDC

306.874--dc23

LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016002473

This book is intended as general information only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any health condition. In light of the complex, individual, and specific nature of health problems, this book is not intended to replace professional medical advice. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are intended to supplement, not replace, the advice of a trained medical professional. Consult your physician before adopting any of the suggestions in this book, as well as about any condition that may require diagnosis or medical attention. The author and publisher disclaim any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of this book.

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and F+W Media, Inc. was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

Cover design by Alexandra Artiano.

Thank you to Adams Media for giving me the opportunity to write an important book to parents who deserve a voice. To my colleague and confidante Nola Casserly, you have been a wonderful friend and teacher. I am thankful that I could share the essence of our teaching and our hearts for raising children well with coparents. Shelley Volner: thank you for reading my material, editing my thoughts so succinctly, and most importantly for your encouragement in this process. Mike Marshall: thank you for explaining the legal process for coparents with such eloquence that I could actually write about it and share with others. Cheryl Sickels: thank you for educating me further on the legal and personal challenges for coparents. Your time and candor was an invaluable resource. I want to acknowledge all the moms and dads who I encountered in my Conscious Mothering and parenting classes; parents who dared to pursue deeper connections with their children, releasing themselves from old family patterns. Writing this book has been a journey to which all of your stories inspired me and gave me the strength to continue.

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs there is. It is a role blanketed in responsibility as well as snuggles, discipline as well as smirks, and stress as well as heart-to-hearts. Parenting is also a mirror reflecting who you are. When issues arise with your children, its an opportunity to look inward and process your own reactivity. Parenting is a life challenge that can catapult your personal growth even when you dont realize it.

For coparents, parenting may mean something different. The fact that you are reading this book means you either:

• Are separated or divorced with children and you need tools to effectively parent with your ex-spouse.
• Are no longer involved in a relationship with the person you have children with and need to figure out how to effectively parent with each other.
• You and a friend and/or partner have electively decided to have a child together and share in the responsibilities in effectively raising a child.

Regardless of the circumstances, you all have one thing in common: You want to raise your children to the best of your abilities and you have the wisdom to discern that your coparent has to be a part of the equation in some capacity. This is a book for those who recognize that their intimate relationship may no longer work with their parent partner but they have a strong intention to parent well together because its in the best interest of their child.

This book is a toolbox of discussion topics to consider and plan for when coparenting. You may be reading this book from the perspective that conscious coparenting is solely your responsibility. Conscious coparenting is a mindset and a practice. As you journey through this book, you will enhance your own journey with consciousness. You will increase your knowledge about the developmental stages of your child, about how to be a secure connector, and how to create a successful coparenting relationship. You will read real-life stories of coparents who are pursuing conscious coparenting practices in their homes. Divorce or separation is hard enough on children. Conscious coparenting is the opportunity to rise above the old story of the hurt and pain and create a new story that focuses on raising children with their best interests in mind and consciously working together to achieve this goal. It is my hope that this book brings awareness and healing into your life, and that your family will be touched in powerful and practical ways for the better.

Being a conscious parent is all about building strong, sustainable bonds with your children through mindful living and awareness. Traditional power-based parenting techniques that promote compliance and obedience can disconnect you from your children. Conscious parenting, on the other hand, helps you develop a positive emotional connection with your child. You acknowledge your childs unique self and attempt to empathize with his way of viewing the world. Through empathetic understanding and tolerance, you create a safe environment where you truly hear your childs ideas and concerns. When you find yourself in a stressful situation with your child, rather than reacting with anger or sarcasm, conscious parenting reminds you to take a step back, reflect, and look for a peaceful solutionone that honors your childs individuality and motivations. This approach benefits all children, especially children raised by conscious coparents. Conscious coparents have the challenge of raising securely attached children in two different homes. Conscious coparents understand that even though the intimate relationship between partners was not able to endure, the nurturing and raising of their child, or children, takes precedence.