Table of Contents
This book is dedicated to all those kids and adults who have faced a challenge like bullying and found ways to overcome the heartaches. Its not the problem that one faces in life, its how you make it through that defines who you are. Ive always been taught to keep at something until you get it right, and I hope those who face bullying issues can find the strength to do just that. This is also dedicated to my father, Wilfred, whose guidance and direction are ever present.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
There is no one more important to thank than my family, who had to deal with more than my share of time away from them to work on material and information for this book. My wife, Cindy, provided constant encouragement, support, evenness, and editorial guidance to bring this project to fruition. My son, Scott, had a perspective on todays youth that I sought out and valued. My daughter, Alyssa, had fabulous insight and understanding about kids and tweens that always made me smile.
Can anyone really thank a mother enough for continued belief and support of her son? If I could, my mother, Evelyn, would receive the kudos. My in-laws, Rocky and Seymour, sent me everything they found to read about bullying and I thank them. Thanks to my sister, Staci, for always encouraging me to reach for more.
My choice in a coauthor could not have been more on the mark. Jenna Glatzer is a fabulous person and writer. She was able to take volumes of material, discussions, and information and synthesize it into words that made this process feel easy when compared to my first book. Her experiences and passion about this topic, her talent and style made me enjoy this work so much more than I already do. Although I knew Jenna was the right one to partner with from the beginning, my respect and admiration for her continue to grow.
My literary agent, Barrett Neville, is a gem in his own right. I certainly felt blessed by his encouragement, directness, honesty, writing skill, and trusting quality, which was a fabulous combination of traits. His guidance gave me the encouragement to take my work on bullying to a new level by publishing this book with Penguin /Perigee.
My editor, Marian Lizzi at Perigee, deserves much gratitude for her dedication to this book, and her interest and willingness to pursue this and bring it to publication with generosity and vision.
My most valuable source of expert advice is the countless kids, clients, parents, and educators who have been a privilege to work beside in the last twenty years. This book is dedicated to all those who have been touched by bullying problems. I get up every day thanking my lucky stars that I can give a little back to all those people who have touched me with their stories, hurts, and successes. If I am able to help even one person with this book, then I feel successful.
I want to thank the American Camp Association for having the confidence in me to bring my knowledge and expertise to the camp world. In this regard, I want to express gratitude to those camps that bring me back year after year to train their staff and improve the emotional and physical safety of their camp families. Peter Landman of Camp Kennybrook has been my biggest supporter, and I thank him for bringing me into this wonderful organization. There are countless other directors and staff who know how important they have been to me, and I thank them all.
Thanks to all the educators and parents who bring me to speak to their organizations and encourage me to share my pearls to improve their communication and skills. Thanks to psychologist Ellen Medd at the Wampus School for her consistent and continued support and friendship.
Thanks to Suzanne Reiffel and Erica Ross, who help keep me smiling week to week and give me so much collegial support. I look forward to the Tool Kits for Kids era.
Lastly, my friends are such a huge part of my life and always inspire me. I would need a book just to thank you all completely, but I hope you know how valuable you are. I dont know how often Ive shown you along the way how much I appreciate you and how much I have appreciated your continued questions: Hows the book coming along? Did you see this today on the news? Check out this... It all has meant so much and thank you!
INTRODUCTION
Just about everyone has a bullying story. Mine happened when I was eleven years old. Every day after school, children of all ages played on my block on Long Island, New York. The house we grew up in was close to the next house and it was up to me to make my own good time with whoever was out to play that day. Some days were more relaxed and easygoing because of the makeup of the group of kids, but there were two kids who could ruin the mood and tone of the whole group just by their presence. It was as if a storm cloud would come overhead and break the silence with lightning and thunder without warning. All the other kids felt scared and tense, wondering if the lightning would strike them that day.
I was a little short for my age, not aggressive by nature, and tried to avoid conflict. Billy, on the other hand, was a pretty big kid, fifteen years old, popular, affable, and aggressive. He loved to make other kids laugh by torturing one of us with others looking on. John, who tailed him, was my age, fun to play with, but really mean whenever Billy, the teen I would now label the big bully, was around. I never quite understood what made John turn mean whenever Billy was around, but I could feel my stomach sink when the two of them were outside together.
There was a period of time when John would tease, taunt, and physically knock me off the fence across the street whenever I wasnt paying attention to him. He would always walk over to Billy after an attack and look to him to receive that victorious high five. All this happened when Billy was there, and I tried to stay out of the way of both of them whenever I could. This became very difficult and I would come home pretty miserable and dejected for what seemed to be an eternity.
Running home to my room, I would try to bypass my familybut I wasnt too successful at this because the back steps to my room were through the kitchen and living room. This meant meeting one of my parents along the way. I remember my mother feeling upset about these incidents, and trying to reassure me that it would stop as I grew and got older. I remember my father coming home late and hearing about these incidents. He felt so angry about my helplessness, and I in turn experienced his anger as something to fear.
In the meantime, I remember thinking food would comfort me, staring into the refrigerator endlessly, never knowing what I really wanted. I remember turning my anger and rage on my sister, who was three years younger than I was. It seemed like we were always fighting, and in hindsight, it felt pretty good to take out my frustration on her because she was an easy target for me.
My father talked to me about sticking up for myself, and came up with a plan to teach me to defend myself. Unless I learned how to fight back with my fists, he thought, I was going to be teased forever. I remember how driven he was to teach me the ropes. He never knew that I thought to myself, Ill never hit another kid. I never told him that, but just tried to convey to him that this idea wasnt going to work by rolling my eyes and kind of going along with the plan.