Gregory Keck - Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs Kids--A Guide for Parents and Professionals

So how long does it take to write a book? About fifty years. Fifty years of combined education and work with kids and families. To the families, the children, and our colleagues who have given us knowledge and inspiration for this book, we say thanks.

To the late Barbara Roberts, who in her role as director of Northeast Ohio Adoption Services blessed our endeavors, we say, We miss you, Barb. To our early editors and critics Sandra Prebil, Father John McCarthy, and Reginas brother, Jim Breig we extend our deepest gratitude.

We owe a special thanks to Elle Mansfield, an adoptive mother and author whose editing minimized our struggles, and to Vicki Mongan, whose editing brought a fresh perspective that fine-tuned our work.

We are especially grateful to Marita Rose, who keeps everything together and running smoothly at the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio. Without her organizational skills, we would be lost.

Kris Wallen and the team at NavPress were open to our candid examination of this sensitive topic, and for this we are grateful. A special thanks to Kris for suggesting the updates for both of our books!

To our friends and coworkers who offered their skills, love, and patience a big thanks. We appreciate and respect the triad members who shared their thoughts and feelings in .

And lastly, to our families Gregs sons, Brian and James; Reginas husband, Don; our parents, Joe and Mary Breig and Don and Jane Keck, who taught us the meaning of good parenting; and our grandparents, whose family values have enriched and inspired us we say thank you.

Since the first edition of this book in 1995, tens of thousands of people have read Adopting the Hurt Child. Many of them have taken the time to call or write to us to share their stories and to thank us for giving them some insight into their lives and the lives of their hurt children. Both of us have been invited to speak about adoption, the impact of early childhood trauma, and issues of attachment to many people throughout the United States, the United Kingdom, New Zealand, and Australia. We thank all of you who have been in contact. We value your interest and input because it continues to validate the need for support for adoptive families. We are most grateful for all the feedback that thanks us for telling the truth. Families have told us that this truth, although sometimes unpleasant, has empowered them as they undertake the difficult journey of adopting and parenting children who have been hurt.

We give heartfelt thanks to the many children and adolescents who have chosen to trust their parents and to trust us as they embark on their path to healing.

GREGORY C. KECK, PhD, founded the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio, which specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents who have experienced developmental interruptions. In addition, he and his staff treat individuals and families who are faced with a variety of problems in the areas of adoption, attachment, substance abuse, sexual abuse, and adolescent difficulties.

Dr. Keck is certified as a diplomate and fellow by the American Board of Medical Psychotherapy and is a diplomate in professional psychotherapy. He is a part-time graduate faculty member in the School of Social Work at the University of Akron and is involved in training for a diversity of agencies, hospitals, and organizations both nationally and internationally.

His memberships include the Cleveland Psychological Association, the Ohio Psychological Association, the American Psychological Association, and the National Association of Social Workers. From 1991 through 2000, he was a member of the board of directors of ATTACh, the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children. He served as president for two years and was honored by the organization in 2001 with its annual award for outstanding contribution to the field.

Dr. Keck was given the Adoption Triad Advocate Award in 1993 by the Adoption Network of Cleveland, Ohio.

He is an adoptive parent and has appeared on numerous television and radio talk shows to discuss a broad spectrum of adoption issues.

REGINA M. KUPECKY, LSW, has worked in the adoption arena for more than thirty years as an adoption placement worker and therapist. Her services to children have been recognized by the Ohio Department of Human Services, which named her Adoption Worker of the Year in 1990.

She is currently a therapist with Dr. Keck at the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio, where she works with children who have attachment disorders. She trains nationally and internationally on adoption issues, sibling issues, and attachment.

Ms. Kupecky authored a resource guide, Siblings Are Family, Too, which is available through the Three rivers Adoption Council in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She has coauthored a curriculum with Dr Keck and Arleta James called Abroad and Back: Parenting and International Adoption and has written a curriculum on sibling issues entitled My Brother, My Sister: Sibling Relations in Adoption and Foster Care.

She coauthored a chapter in the book Clinical and Practice Issues in Adoption Revised and Updated: Bridging the Gap Between Adoptees Placed as Infants and as Older Children and has also written several newsletter articles for organizations including Jewel Among Jewels, ATTACh, and NACAC.

Ms. Kupecky holds a Master of Arts in Teaching (MAT) from John Carroll University.

A Long Road to Love

Dear Ex-Mom,

I am writing this to tell you I hate you. You were mean to my brother and me. You didnt take care of us or feed us, and you let your boyfriend have sex with us. You left us outside when we were so little we got sunburned and had to go to the hospital. You said youd be back for us, but you lied.

I have a new family now, and I have been mean to them because I am mad at you. No more. My scars from the sunburn are still there, but you are out of my life. Good-bye forever.

Your ex-sun,

Sam

Your ex-sun this slip of the pen by young Sam emphasizes the pain he endured when his birth mothers neglect caused him to suffer a debilitating sunburn. While the scars from his burns have begun to heal, the emotional scars are still raw. Sams memories of physical pain mingle with the rage he feels toward his birth mother, and his negative emotions have transferred to his adoptive family. They are a group steeped in frustration and chaos.

It is hard for us, as a society, to accept the fact that children can feel hatred toward their mothers. We like to think that the mother/child relationship is always sweet and supportive, but for many children this is not true. Sadly, the capacity to reproduce does not necessarily impart the ability to be a loving parent.

We would like to believe that Sam is the exception, but a simple perusal of newspapers reveals many stories of abused and neglected children. Some of them never leave the horrors of the birth home; others find their way into the adoption system. As the long list of parents who want to adopt increases, the number of children waiting for permanent homes continues to swell. Why cant the matches be made? Why must these children continue to wait? They wait not because of who they are, but because of who they arent.

Timmy was an active, aggressive child. His male role models included many of his mothers boyfriends and periodically extended to the man who might have been his father. Timmy had three brothers and two sisters and was next to the youngest in age. He was four; his siblings were eleven, ten, eight, six, and one.