Michael Carr-Gregg - The Prince Boofhead Syndrome

Surviving Adolescents

Real Wired Child

When to Really Worry

Surviving Step-Families

Beyond Cyberbulling

Strictly Parenting

The Princess Bitchface Syndrome 2.0
(with Elly Robinson)

A few years ago I was standing outside my sons school early one morning after dropping him off. Id just finished texting a work colleague about some urgent matter when a four-wheel drive pulled up and a glamorously dressed and beautifully coiffed woman got out, clutching a folder. She stood a few metres away, pulled out a smartphone and tapped out a text message. A few moments later a short, skinny boy in school uniform sauntered up to her. Here it is, darling, the woman said, proffering the folder to the boy, who was clearly her son.

The schoolboy, not more than 13 years of age, took one look at the folder and said loudly, Thats the wrong one, you stupid hag! I needed my maths folder! Now Im up shit creek and its all your fault.

The woman looked close to tears as she stuttered, But Simon, darling, I thought you said English. I did tell you to check your bag before you got in the car. I had to cancel an appointment to get this to you...

Simon regarded his mother with an expression of utter contempt and said, You are just bloody hopeless. Just rack off! Then he turned and walked away.

Up until this point she had not even noticed that I was standing there, but now she realised that this rather unpleasant exchange had transpired in front of an audience of one me. I dont know if she knew who I was, but as an adolescent psychologist I had been invited many times to speak at the school. She looked mortified and said to me apologetically, Hes been under a lot of stress lately. She then scurried back to her car and drove off.

Now I dont actually care how much stress Little Lord Fauntleroy had been under. I can think of no circumstance under which it would be acceptable to speak to any human being like that, let alone ones loving mother. In my work as a psychologist I spend a great deal of my time watching parents and their sons and I firmly believe that what I witnessed that day outside the school is on the rise. Can I prove it? I can tell you that in my trips all over Australia, New Zealand and Asia, teachers have told me that this behaviour is increasingly common. Do I have the results of a double-blind, randomised, controlled trial of thousands of families? No. But as someone who works extensively with young people and their families, and is privileged to be invited to schools across Australia, I can tell you that this is real.

When I wrote The Princess Bitchface Syndrome in 2006, this type of disrespectful, contemptuous, ungracious behaviour seemed more common among a small subsection of teenage girls that I worked with. But by the time I wrote its new edition in 2016, this behaviour now seemed to have spilled over to boys. And while they are not as verbal or vitriolic as their sisters, they are physically stronger and can be terrifying in their anger, especially when it is directed towards their mothers, as it so often is.

The trouble with boys like Simon is that they have been brought up to see the world as one giant, personalised, all-singing, all-dancing, 24/7 catering service exclusively for them. Simons behaviour is not surprising given that his boorishness has probably been tolerated throughout his childhood, along with the fact that he has likely never been challenged when he refuses to take out the rubbish bins, pick up the dog poo or stack the dishwasher.

Too many of todays parents exhaust themselves trying to make their sons lives easy by doing things that he can do for himself, leaping in to fix his problems, handing him every single opportunity on a plate, and being his fulltime cheerleader. All of these are the ingredients required for a self-absorbed boofhead, as one parent told me.

I believe that the child-centred parenting movement, while an understandable response to the cruel, authoritarian parenting practices of the past, has swung too far in the opposite direction. We have become too terrified to say no, to set limits and enforce consequences in case we damage our childs self-esteem. We seem to have turned away from the focus of raising civilised, polite, well-mannered boys and instead have gone to worship at the altar of happiness. We are oblivious to the fact that by not allowing our sons to learn from their own stuff-ups and develop resilience and self-respect, we are creating rudderless, disconnected, bitter and resentful boys who feel they can treat their parents (and other authority figures) in precisely the way Simon treated his mother.

I have written this book to explain how Prince Boofhead Syndrome arises, how you can prevent your son from developing it, and how to cope if you already have a fully functioning Boofhead in your life. The trick is to not buy into the current parenting paradigms of bubble wrap, buddy or helicopter parenting (whichever term you like best), to stop indulging their every whim, and to present a united parenting front. Above all, we have to allow these boys to experience adversity. As the late Mary Tyler Moore once said, You cant be brave if youve only had wonderful things happen to you.

I have enlisted an old friend, Elly Robinson, who is a wonderful writer and researcher to help write this book, but for clarity weve kept it in my voice. My hope is that by the time you have finished reading it, you will know how to parent with authority: how to set non-negotiable rules and enforce them, how to respond when your son whines, demands, complains or yells in order to get his own way, and how to recognise when his behaviour is a sign of more serious issues.

The time has arrived for the self-esteem movement to be relegated to the wastepaper bin of parenting history. The alternative is an intelligent, authoritative parenting style with a developmental perspective. If this appeals to you, read on...

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First published by Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd, 2017

Text copyright Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson 2017

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Cover design by Alex Ross Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd

Text design by Louisa Maggio Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd

Cover photograph by Shannon Fagan/Dreamstime.com

penguin.com.au

ISBN: 978-1-76014-350-3