Rachel Pepper - The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians: How to Stay Sane and Care for Yourself from Pre-conception Through Birth

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Table of Contents

I dedicate this book, again, to every lesbian dreaming baby dreams. This second edition is also dedicated to the many dyke daddies and tranny pops out there, arms and hearts so wide open. This book is for all of you, with love.And as before, its especially for my own daughter, Frances Ariel, who finally made my own baby dreams come true.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

For help in updating this edition, I would like to thank Cathy Winks and the Sperm Bank of California; Aimee Gelnaw of the Family Pride Coalition; Kate Kendell, Director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights; midwife Deborah Simone; and all the moms who sent me comments and quotes for use in this edition.

Big thanks to Linda L. Anderson and Jolisa Gracewood for reading the manuscript and making so many thoughtful suggestions. I really, really owe you gals.

My daughter, Frances, deserves kudos here for dealing with a mom always yelling, Dont bug me, Im writing! This little angel did hundreds of art projects and watched lots of movies and PBS so I could finish this edition. Its not always easy being the kid of a single mom, especially one on deadline. Thanks, babe.

Introduction

Why a Second Edition?

You hold in your hands the second edition of the worlds first-ever pregnancy book for lesbians. The first edition, released in 1999, was inspired by a series of articles I wrote in Curve magazine in 1998 about my attempts at conception. Back then, when I was going through the many issues discussed in this books pages, there was no lesbian pregnancy book to read, and I felt very alone in my journey. True, there were, and still are, good books for lesbians considering parenthood, as well as for lesbians who are already raising children. The lack of information for the specific journey a lesbian will find herself on during her path to pregnancy resulted in the first edition of my book, which was read by thousands of women.

Perhaps as a direct result of my book and others that followed, much has changed in the lesbian nation. More and more lesbians are considering parenthood and feeling supported in their decision to have children. Where even a few years ago a woman might be the pioneer in her peer group if she considered parenthood, now it is the norm in certain circles. Children are everywhere in the lesbian community. They run rampant in sacred lesbian enclaves like the Michigan Womyns Music Festival, they are at Pride celebrations and film festivals, and childcare centers and groups for parents are provided at many gay and lesbian centers and events across the country. Our children are our prized and valued community membersfor some of us, the heart and soul of the queer community. And where once, in darker days, AIDS was the common ground that brought gay men and lesbians together, now parenting and the love of our children is one happy thread that ties together our community.

So, if my book has been so successful, why revise it? First, a lot can change in six years. I wrote most of the first edition while I was still pregnant, and finished it when my daughter, Frances, was merely months old. My daughter is now almost sevenpractically a full-fledged tween. I like to feel that she and I have raised each other well, and this book will benefit from the added wisdom she has brought to my life.

Second, the legal status of lesbian parents continues to shift. This edition addresses our legal concerns with the most current information available, courtesy of Kate Kendell of the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR).

Third, readers of the second edition are far more Internet savvy than ever before. This edition includes lots of new online resources, including websites, bulletin boards, and blogs. Even sperm banks are now online, with sites that list their donors availability based on hourly supply checks.

This second edition of The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians is revised from front cover to back, with lots of new information on almost every page. You will find a greatly expanded chapter on how to decide if youre ready for parenthood, lots more info on sperm banks and choosing a donor, revised sections on every trimester of pregnancy, clearer explanations of the birth experience, and extra support for surviving your newborn, all from someone whos been there.

The resources section has also been completely revamped, filling out the book like a well-rounded, pregnant lesbian belly.

I hope you enjoy reading my book, and that it helps you on your path to parenthood. As always, and with an eye to future generations of this book, I look forward to hearing from you. Feel free to send me comments or suggestions for future editions, pictures of your beautiful babies, or simply share your own journey toward and into motherhood at bernalbks@aol.com.

Best wishes,
Rachel Pepper
July, 2005

Chapter

So You Wanna Be a Mama

Welcome to the wacky world of lesbian conception and pregnancy! I suspect, given my own experience, that you have only a vague notion at this point of what youre getting yourself into. Getting pregnant is usually harder that you ever think its going to be. Theres a lot to learn about fertility and conception, and considerations to make about what donor or sperm bank youre going to use. Other questions abound. When should you start trying to get pregnant? How are you going to define your family? What legal advice do you need to make sure your partner is a full parent? And when you do start trying, life splits itself into the inevitable two-week cycles of trying and waiting that could drive any sane woman mad. Even pregnancy itself, that overglorified state of female fullness, is its own roller-coaster ride of changes.

Perhaps youve always wanted to have a child, and after years of thinking about it, youre finally ready to take the plunge. Or it could be that your biological clock just started ticking yesterday and youre all set to educate yourself and then get busy. Maybe youre a single woman, either by choice or circumstance, and youre ready to have a much-longed-for child, bravely and confidently proceeding without a partner. Could be youre with the partner of your dreams and ready to start the family youve always talked about. You may be a straight or bisexual woman fed up with mainstream pregnancy books and looking for more information on how to conceive without a male partner. Whatever the case, whoever you are, the fact that you found this book is a good first step toward realizing your goal of getting pregnant, or being there for someone who is. I welcome all of you to this, the second edition of The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians.

In case you didnt realize it (but Ill bet you did!), theres a tremendous baby boom (or gayby boom, in queer lingo) happening among lesbians across the United States, Canada, and the rest of the world. Current statistics estimate the number of children in the United States living with a gay or lesbian parent at between 6 and 14 million. This figure is based on research done in the early 1990s by the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, a service of the U.S. Administration for Children and Families. One can imagine that the number has grown considerably since then.

A growing acceptance of queer families, greatly increased access to sperm banks and other reproductive technologies, more support services available online, more adoption and surrogacy options for lesbians and gay men, and a noticeable surge in the urge to procreate among younger lesbians are all part of this boom. It is true that women who live in larger urban areas may have more options for services. But with the increased use of the Internet for gathering information and the willingness of sperm banks to ship almost anywhere in the world, there is no reason why almost any lesbian cannot realize her dream of becoming a mother through birth or other means.

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