Texas Bix Bender - Cowboy Etiquette

Dont kick the seat in front of you. Dont talk. And, for heavens sake, dont spit. To get a conversation off to a good start, start off with a compliment. If you take something without asking to borrow it, you stole it. Nowadays some men like to hug, slap high fives, or bump fists when they meet.

A simple old-fashioned handshake is still the cowboy way. Give up your bus seat to a lady or elderly personbefore the bus gets to where youre goin. Most invitations are specific, not open-ended. So, it aint polite to show up when everybody else is leaving and ask, Whats for dinner? If you open a gate, close it. If you didnt open it, close it anyway. If youre waved off, dont go in without a good reason.

One sign of good manners is being able to put up with bad ones. Dont talk with a full mouth or an empty head. Knowing which fork to use isnt nearly as important as being good company. When taking a herd through a populated area, be sure to clean up after em. Its better to have worked for your dinner than to have dressed for it. Never start an argument at the dinner table; the least hungry person always wins.

If the guests outnumber the chairs, its called a buffet. If you dont know what to talk about, talk about three wordsand then shut up. If youve got nothing to say, dont take an hour to prove it. When you sit down, lay your napkin in your lap. When you get up but are coming back, leave it in your chair. When youre finished, leave it on the table.

Dont interrupt unless somebodys hair is on fire. The only good reason to leave a party without thanking the host and hostess is if you werent invited. Never interfere with another mans dog unless the dog is about to attach himself to your leg. Slurping, burping, and gulping are okay only when youre alone with your dog. Same goes for any kind of licking. Dont use your napkin to blow your nose! White wine is served chilled, in a long-stemmed glass.

Thats so you can hold it by the stem and not warm the wine with your hand. Red wine is served at room temperature in a short-stemmed glass. Holding the wine by the glass itself and not the stem warms the wine and releases its flavors. Beer is served in a bottle, but you can put it in a glass if you want to. Whiskey should never be drunk from the bottle unless theres no glass around or youve already had too much to drink. When served escargot, pour a little salt on it and forget it.

It will melt while you wait for the next course. When youre standing in line, and its a long one, take it like a man. If your soup is served too hot, its not polite for you to blow on it. So, ask your wife to do it. After-dinner speeches should be gotten out of the way before dinner. When theres nothing more to be said, dont be saying it.

When youve invited your in-laws over for a steak and they show up with a couple of cousins you never heard of and you only have four steaks, cut everybodys meat for em. Casual means no tie, but get a haircut, shine your boots, and tuck in your shirttail. Semiformal means youll need a tie, a coat, and all of the above. Black tie formal means you probably dont wanta go. Stay home if youre contagious. Etiquette is the art of handling yourselfin any situationin a manner that doesnt embarrass you or anyone else and lets you keep your sense of humor intact.

If youre not having fish, forget the fish fork. Even if you are having fish, forget the fish fork. One forks as good as another unless its in the road. When you meet a neighbor on the road, always give him the little one-finger-off-the-wheel salute. Depending on how you get along with him determines which finger you use. Dont overload your mouth with opinions.

Making someone feel little makes you look smaller too. Spills and accidents happen. Dont make a big deal out of em. Sooner or later we all wind up sitting next to someone at dinner who is about as strange as a duck in Death Valley. Good etiquette requires that you waddle across the desert with em until dessert is over. Gossiping is never good etiquette.

When youre camping on somebody elses spread, leave without a trace. Dont break your arm reaching for the check, but dont sit on your hands either. Pay back every favor. Where people are from and how they got here has got nothing to do with where they sit at the table. Show up for dinner clean and respectably dressed. Nicknames are okay if theyre not insults.

Always hold the door for a womanor anyone else, for that matter. Give age the respect it deservesin people, critters, and whiskey. Women always go first unless youre going down stairs or falling off a log. Its not bad luck to spill salt, but tossing it over your shoulder is a bad habit. Dont try to pass off your personal life as dinner conversation. If a woman spills her drink, hand her a napkin and let her do the patting.

If you make a date, keep it. Treat everybody like theyre important. Keep downwind when approaching a cook wagon so you dont kick up dust on another mans plate. Dont answer the doorbell in your undershorts. Dont take the last piece unless youre the last to be served. (Course, if youve given everybody else a fair chance at it, go ahead and take the last biscuit.) Aftershave is not a marinade.

On the trail, its all right to fork beans right out of the can, but never drink from the can. It can cut your lips and is an embarrassment to the mules. When sharing a can of Vienna sausages, its all right to use your fingers to pull one out, but taking two is rude. When dining with nudists, you still must wear your bandana. When somebody asks you to pass em a biscuit, they dont mean overhanded. The best year for any wine is the year you drink it.