Roy English - Dont Whiz on an Electric Fence: Grandpas Country Wisdom

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. The weather can make a farmer look mighty smart, or mighty dumb. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Dont let the chickens roost over the well. Dont wear polyester to a wiener roast.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. Nothin on earth is finer than a good, slow, two-inch rain. Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. Dont stand in the trough when you feed the pigs. Stuff tends to break when its loaned or borrowed.

Trouble with a milk cow is that she wont stay milked. Always dance with the one who brung you, unless it is your cousin. Dont gobble in the woods during hunting season. Dont spread your blanket where a cats been diggin. Dont skinny dip with snappin turtles. The shallower the stream, the louder the babble.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Meanness dont happen overnight. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal; it just ain't helpful. Country folks will help a fella who is down on his luck, but they got no patience with freeloaders. Hoot owls and bankers sleep with one eye open.

When youre green, you grow. When you think you are ripe, you get rotten. The only thing worse than a lawn mower that wont start is one that will. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Goin to bed mad aint no fun, but its better than fightin all night.

Dont sell your mule to buy a plow. Two can live as cheap as one if one dont eat. No woman is truly free until she can change a flat tire. Folks dont change. They just get more so. Dont corner something thats meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds. It dont take a very big man to carry a grudge. Dont go hunting with a fella named Chug-A-Lug. You cant unsay a cruel thing. If it ain't broke, chances are it will be.

Every path has some puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. A fella who is too quick with an apology likely screws up a lot. Most of the stuff folks worry about never happens. Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters.

There aint a horsehairs difference between begging and borrowing. Stumbling over the truth can break a heart. You can't blame a worm for not wanting to go fishing. A three-pound cat can eat a four-pound fish. A fella will chase what runs, and run from what chases. Dont sneeze behind a skittish mule.

Cow chips need to dry out for a spell before you toss them. A country dog never forgets where he buried his bone. Being neighborly dont mean stickin your nose in somebodys business. Nothing is impossible, except peeing in a naked man's pocket. Its downright annoying to argue with a fella who knows what hes talking about. If you run with hounds, expect to get fleas.

Coffee is best when its saucered and blowed. A little tear absorbs a big pain. You have to bust some clods to make a crop. Dont ride a new path at full trot. An ignorant fella is hell-bent on proving his limitations. Small minds and big mouths have a way of hooking up.

Debt is like dragging a rock in your cotton sack. Its hard to keep a blanket on the naked truth. Country folks laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry, know when you're sick, and care when you die. If at first you dont succeed, try raising rabbits. Dont fry frog legs in an open skillet. Dont smoke in the hayloft.

Firewood warms you twice: when you cut it and when you burn it. A mule cant help it if his daddy is a jackass. Some folks are like ducks; they seem to glide along easy because you cant see how hard they work below the surface. Country folks know a lot of stuff that aint wrote down nowhere. Dont stand behind a coughing cow. Better to have loved and lost than to marry a dairy farmer.

Interest on debt never sleeps. The difference between young liars and old thieves is just a matter of time. Hunt every varmint from downwind, except a polecat. Its hard to plant a seedless grape. The sweetest peaches are just out of reach. Dont whiz on an electric fence.

For rusty joints, try a little elbow grease. An ounce of doing is worth a pound of talk. Dont rock back on a three-legged stool. A young girl needs something to love when she is too old for dolls and too young for boys. A horse is good. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, but some nuts roll a long way from their roots.

You cant bury a fella just because he has been dead for years. A rooster does the crowing while the hen does the work. Courtship is dancing in the moonlight; marriage is washing socks. Some folks have to snore in self-defense. When a fella is late for work, he should do the right thing and leave work early to make up for it. The world could use a good worry-wart remover.

Some city folks think a square meal is a sandwich. The difference in know-how and wisdom is in the doing. Country folks can make do with mighty little. Some folks have 20 years of experience; others have one year of experience 20 times. Its easier to patch a broken mirror than a reputation. Divorce changes the tire; marriage fixes the flat.

There are lots of country jobs, but few positions. Folks can spot a city fella a country mile away. Cream rises to the top, but so does some other crud. Turnips and sweet potatoes will get you through a depression. Just ask Grandpa. A clinging vine can choke a body.

Dont try to hold a barn cat against his will. No jackass ever got ahead by kicking up his heels every night. Even stubborn mules know you have to pull together. The bull is half the secret to building a better herd. Some fellas have more wishbone than backbone. The only thing worse than finding a worm in your apple is finding half a worm.

Dont share a crosscut saw with a quitter. When you feel neighborly, dust a little sugar on your words and cookies. Little pigs make big hogs. A wrinkled brow dont mean a wrinkled heart. Riddle: What does it mean when a country preacher looks at his watch? Answer: It don't mean nothin'. A fella can kill himself with a fork and spoon.

Whatever the illness, time is the best cure. Feed a cold, starve a fever, soak a thorn, air a wart. Life is like juggling pitchforks: everyone knows when you mess up. It's best to stop talking once you've said all you know. If wishes were horses, some folks would need a lot of hay. A fancy title is about as useful as the curl in a pigs tail.

Mount a horse from the left, milk a cow from the right, approach a mule from the front, a billy goat from the rear. Advice most needed is least heeded. Nothing smells fresher than clean sheets hung in the sunshine. A cat that licks his paw may be scratching his tongue. Grave marker in a country cemetery I told y'all I was sick. A fella can tell how happy he is going to be in twenty years by looking at his father-in-law.