Roy Apps - Edge: How to Handle: Your Dad

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TYPE 1 The Christmas-type Father (a.k.a. Father Christmas) TYPE 2 The Godfather TYPE 3 The Codfather TYPE 4 The Crane Fly (a.k.a. Daddy-Longlegs) E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Aptitude Test The Vintage Dad The Veteran Dad The Classic Dad DAD PROBLEM 1: Overheating E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 1 DAD PROBLEM 2: Getting Started E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 2 DAD PROBLEM 3: Wet Plugs E.I.

Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 3 DAD PROBLEM 4: Battery E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 4 DAD PROBLEM 5: Gearbox E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 5 DAD PROBLEM 6: Hooter E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 6 DAD PROBLEM 7: Running On E.I. Daddio's Advanced Dad Handling Course: Test 7

It was a dark and stormy night which is often how a good book starts I was working hard at my desk, when I was suddenly woken up by a strange buzzing in my left ear. It was my phone.

I could tell from the number that it was my publisher, Adriano. Hello? I said. Mr Quizmister. Youve got to do something for me! Im desperate! Oh, hi Des, l replied cheerily. Nono! My name isnt Des Perate! Isnt it? It was outrageous! Adriano turned into Des, who had turned out to be another telephoney! What is your name then? I asked. Its Adriano La Ferminnit.

Your publisher. Listen. You must write a book for me about how to handle your dad. Must I? Yes! Today! But why should I write a book for you about how to handle my dad when you dont even know him? The phone went Either Adriano La Ferminnit had been cut off, or hed put his cat on the line to speak to me. Then I remembered! I had agreed to write a book for Adriano La Ferminnit by 1st January. Then I remembered another something else.

It was New Years Eve tomorrow. I only had a day to write it! OK, I was panicking, and there was a very good reason my publisher was desperate. His father had threatened to stop his pocket money for a month unless he did something about tidying up his bedroom. Thats why he needed me to write a book on how to handle your dad. No problem, Adriano. (I was only but I didnt want to panic him, too. (I was only but I didnt want to panic him, too.

Then as well as being desperate, he would be desperately panicked.) OK, I knew I was going to need help on this book. So I called in some specialist advice:

Hello? said the voice on the end of the phone. E. I. Daddio, Dad Handling Expert speaking. I. I.

Daddio, and being the nice chap that he is, he agreed to help (provided I paid him loads of money). You may find this difficult to believe, but there are actually some types of dad that are easy to handle. However, theyre rather like a piece of half-cooked steak; that is theyre very rare indeed. If you think youve got one of these types of dad, just copy out his type from the following pages onto scrap paper. Then stick them where you can easily see them; like the end of your nose. Then you can use the rest of your scrap paper to do some origami. Or alternatively to do some orridggami. Or alternatively to do some orridggami.

Now where was I? Oh yes, in the middle of . The four types of dad that are easy to handle are:

Four fascinating facts about this dad-type: . JOB: They go on lots of business trips to Lapland. . . .

WHEELS: None. They use a sleigh. . FAVE FOOD: Anything, so long as its not mince pies. Typical Father Christmas conversation:YOU: Whats that drifting out of the clouds onto our roof, Dad? FATHER CHRISTMAS: Only rain dear! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Four fascinating facts about this dad-type: JOB: They work as violinists, or fiddlers at any rate. FAVE GEAR: Black fur coats and shades.

Crazy! WHEELS: Black Mercedes. FAVE FOOD: Steak out. Typical Godfather conversation: YOU: Can I come for a ride in the car, Dad? GODFATHER: Sure. Get in the boot.

Four fascinating facts about this dad-type: JOB: Something of-fish-all. FAVE GEAR: Oilskins and waders.

WHEELS: Turbot-powered Jeep. FAVE FOOD: A little fishy on a little dishy. Typical Codfather conversation: CODFATHER: What do you think of that, eh? YOU: Its a bit small for bait isnt it, Dad? CODFATHER: Bait! Thats the fish Ive just caught!

Four fascinating facts about this dad-type: JOB: Flying around your head when youre trying to have a shower. FAVE GEAR: T-shirts: preferably down the back of yours. WHEELS: Six legs.

FAVE FOOD: Algae and double portion of French flies. Typical Daddy-Longlegs conversation: YOU: Aaaaarghhhh! If your dads a crane fly, its incredibly easy to handle him. All you have to do is threaten to fetch the fly swat. In the incredibly unlikely event that one of these four dad-types matches the dad youve got, then you can stop reading now. Go on, off you pop. Polish a sleigh or something.

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