Roy Apps - EDGE: How To Handle: Your Mum

www.franklinwatts.co.uk

Why its important to be able to handle your mum NOW! Finding out just what kind of mum youve got How mums get their superhu-mum powers The five superhu-mum powers and how to combat them Radar Ear Gamma-Ray Eye Laser Blaster Tongue Robo Leg Mega Computer Brain Training your mum The Training Program Training Your Mum to Stop Being Nosey Training Your Mum to be Reasonable Training Your Mum not to Embarrass You in Public Using a Secret Agent Grannies Ghouls Gerbils The Mum-handling Test. The information contained in this book can be highly dangerous if it falls into the wrong hands, i.e. your mums. To prevent this from happening you should take one of the following precautions: Memorise every word in the book and then eat it. If you are a girl, disguise the nature of this book by slipping it inside a copy of your algebra homework folder Mum will never look in there.

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TV chef Jammy Owl-Liver suggests you try the following recipe if you do decide to eat this book.

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TV chef Jammy Owl-Liver suggests you try the following recipe if you do decide to eat this book.

Extra Whopper Book Burger (i) Place book in a stale sesame seed bun. (ii) Place book-filled bun on a plate. (iii) Add two tablespoons of extra hot chillies. (iv) Eat (the bun, not the napkin).

Why its important to be able to handle your mum NOW! Ask yourself this question: Whats the difference between your mum and a mountain bike with square wheels and 57 reverse gears? Tricky one, this, so heres a picture to help you. No. No.

Youve got to learn to handle the mum youve got. Its important to be able to handle your mum now, because the older you get, the more difficult it becomes. In fact, the only people who dont need to learn how to handle their mums are newborn babies. Theyve got it (or rather her) completely and absolutely worked out. Take the following scenes. Done that? Now put them back in the book and read them!

YOU: (Slamming the front door behind you and yelling at the top of your voice) Hey, Mum! Mum!!! I wanna Coke! YOUR MUM: Come back in again like a civilised human being, speak properly and remember the magic word YOU: (Coming in again, this time closing the door quietly and speaking in hushed tones) Mum? Could I have a Coke, please? YOUR MUM: No, you cant.

Were just about to have dinner. (Result: You dont
get your Coke.)

NEWBORN BABY: (Hammering fists on Mums chest) MUM: Ooomy little darling. Do you want a drink?
(Result: baby gets a drink.) It is half past nine in the morning. You are lying down on your bed, taking a well earned, post-breakfast rest, kind of half-dozing, half-daydreaming about how much better your life will be when you finally become a World-Beating Number One Sports Superstar. Suddenly a tornado blasts into the room. (Result: either you learn to play the clarinet, tidy up your room and visit your grandmother, or you reach a compromise and learn how to hoover up your grandmother with a clarinet.) It is half past nine in the morning. (Result: either you learn to play the clarinet, tidy up your room and visit your grandmother, or you reach a compromise and learn how to hoover up your grandmother with a clarinet.) It is half past nine in the morning.

The newborn baby is lying down in its cot, taking a well-earned rest, half-dozing, half-daydreaming under his Kipper the dog mobile. Suddenly a kind and gentle breeze wafts into the room. It is MUM: Aaahhhh Does my little darling want to go to sleepy-byes? (Sings) Bye, Baby Bunting, etc., etc. (Result: baby is left on his own to do whatever he wants until its time for another drink. []) So there you have it. Either you can go back to being a baby again and start wearing stinky nappies, or you can read this book.

Which method do you fancy? Tricky decision, eh? You probably need two seconds to decide. So here they are: Made your choice? OK, for those of you who have decided to become babies again, I hope youll have a nappy time! Dont forget youll need a dummy too. On second thoughts, you wont need a dummy, because you probably are one. For those incredibly intelligent and sensible people who have decided to learn how to handle their mums by reading this brilliant book, the first thing you must do is this: Keep reading! The second thing you must do is: Turn over!

Finding out just what kind of mum youve got Just what kind of mum have you got? Theres a very simple answer to this, which is how on earth do you expect me to know? Youve never even introduced me to her. There are only three kinds of mum who are easy to cope with, and there arent many of them left. These mums are rather like mountain gorillas and leatherback turtles.

They are an endangered species!

An ancient mum originating from north-east Africa and known as an ancient Egyptian Mummy. If your mum is this kind of mummy, Ive only got one thing to say to you: I hope you take after your dad! A mum who thinks shes the best thing since the Xbox was invented and who therefore likes to be called Mother or, more correctly, Mother Superior. If your mum looks like this, tell her to stop buying her clothes from the local convents jumble sales. Typical Mother-Superior Saying: Nun. Next page