Sandi Kahn Shelton - You Might As Well Laugh: Surviving the Joys of Parenthood

Humor columnist for WorkingMother Magazine

The Bancroft Press

Baltimore, MD

Copyright 1997 by The Bancroft Press

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote passages in a review.

Published by The Bancroft Press, P.O. Box 65360, Baltimore, MD

21209. (410) 358-0658.

ISBN 978-1-61088-014-5

Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congrss Catalog Card Number 96-86486

First edition

Designed by Melinda Russell, Bancroft Press

Distributed to the trade by National Book Network, Lanham, MD

To Jimbo, whose love has sustained me, and Ben, Allie and Stephanie, who not only make me laugh, but let me put their childhoods in the paper each week

And to the memory of Nan, whose laughter lives in my heart

It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes an entire metropolitan area to get a humor column into the paper every week, into the magazine once a month, and then into a book. Ive been lucky. Ive had plenty of help and advice.

Thanks especially to Alice Mattison, who not only can think up column topics an hour before deadline, but doesnt mind being called on the phone and having columns read to her in a voice filled with hysteria. Through the 20 years of our friendship, shes given me love, encouragement, child care, and meals to keep me going.

And thanks to Diane Cyr, who lets me write about her life more often than shes probably aware, especially now that she moved out of town and doesnt get the paper anymore. Only once has she called to tell me something and started with, Now this is off the record!

Thanks and peace to the Monday Morning Yoga Class and Lunch Club (Bobbi Harshav, Rhoda Rosenfeld, Cecilia Moffett, Dru Nadler, and Alan Franzi), who instinctively understand that writers need the quiet of yoga, and then immediately afterwards some bacon, eggs and heated political debate to help them get back to the Real World of Writing.

Many thanks to Judsen Culbreth, editor of Working Mother magazine, who first thought these columns should be in a collection; and to Working Mothers Mary McLaughlin, the finest line editor, friend, and lunch partner anyone could have. Susan Seliger, former deputy editor of the magazine, has my undying gratitude for her astonishing phone call telling me she was buying my first three columns.

Bushels of thanks go to Mary Kittredge and Kathleen Kudlinski, fellow writers who get together with me once a week to exchange ideas and horror stories, and who more than once have supplied paper, pens, and pep talks.

And to Rick Sandella, the features editor at the New Haven Register, who has always let me write just what I wanted and who almost never complains when its late because of some household disaster that he knows Ill write about next week.

Also thanks to Register publisher Bill Rush, who inherited both me and the column when he took on his jobs, and who was the first to say Congratulations when the column was named Best Column in New England. And to Dave Butler, the former Register editor, for always saving my space.

And of course, lots of love and gratitude to my pareents my late father, Charles Myers, and my mother, Joan Graham, for teaching me that youre really better off laughing when the roof is caving in and somethings boiling over on the stove; to my stepmother, Helen Myers, who more than once has reached out to rescue me with her kindness and love; and to Pat and Barry Shelton, the best in-laws anyone could ask for.

Thanks, also, for the help, support, and funny stories to Deborah Hare, Karen Pritzker, Jane Tamarkin, Carolyn Wyman, Joe and Sue Amarante, Fran Fried, Ann Dallas, Mary Colurso, Kim Caldwell, Hayne Bayless, Mara Lavitt, Dave Sigworth, Mary Barton, Ida Massenburg, Kate Flanagan, Tracy Blanford, Edward Mattison, and Alice Elliott Smith. Linda Chase gave me clarity and authenticity.

Theres no thank-you big enough for Bruce Bortz, the publisher of Bancroft Press. He read eight years worth of columns in one week and guided me, humorously, intelligently and respectfully, through the arduous and baffling process of shaping a book out of them.

For the book, he also asked me to write a bunch of additional columns on work because, he said, I hadnt really focused on the subject in any of my previously published columns. And thanks to Evonne Smitt, who read all the columns, categorized them, edited them, and stayed nice the whole time.

And more thanks than I can ever express to all the people who have taken the time to write and call with love and advice and encouragement and stories.

Sandi Kahn Shelton

Guilford, Connecticut

Not long ago, I found myself standing in line at the grocery store, when a man in line behind me a man Id never seen before cleared his throat, and said, So, how did Stephanies sock bump problem work out?

Were turning the socks inside out so the bumps arent so noticeable, I said.

Wont work for long, he said, chuckling. Not with that Stephanie. You know how she is!

A few minutes later, as I was waiting for my check to get approved, the cashier said, Ive been meaning to call the paper and ask them to get a message to you. You know, you should see that your Ben gets a better alarm clock, now that hes in college. Theres no excuse for him oversleeping like that last week.

Ill tell him you said so, I told her. And your name is ?

And, also, I hope you dont mind me saying so, but I liked your picture better when you had the long hair, and you smiled wider. Of course, you probably dont want to smile so wide now because you dont want the camera to show the wrinkles, right?

I gave her a weak smile.

Wrinkle creams in aisle four, if youre interested.

The man behind me said, Go ahead and get it. Ill hold your place.

Over the years, Ive actually gotten used to this kind of thing. Its what happens when you write a humor column about your family in the local newspaper. People Ive never seen before come up and say all sorts of weird things to me.

Once, I was getting out of my car when a jogger paused long enough to critique the haircut Id written about the week before. (She said that with a forehead like mine, Id better stick with bangs.) Another time, I wrote a column about buying a hat that exactly matched my purple coat. Afterward, a man stopped me, stared for a minute at my outfit, and then declared, Theres actually a shade more blue in the hat than in the coat, you know.

Over the last decade, my life has pretty much become an open book for the people in South Central Connecticut, where I write for the New Haven Register. Theyve watched my son Ben go from dioramas to dormitories; my daughter Allison grow into young womanhood, and little Stephanie progress from the first signs of pregnancy through birth, toddlerhood, and now to being a regular kid who hates homework.