Ryan OQuinn - Parenting Rules!: The Hilarious Handbook for Surviving Parenthood

BroadStreet Publishing Group LLC

Racine, WI 53403

Broadstreetpublishing.com

Parenting Rules!

The Hilarious Handbook for Surviving Parenthood

2014 Ryan OQuinn

ISBN 978-1-4245-4998-6

e-ISBN 978-1-4245-5002-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Illustrations by Paul Manchester | www.wilwhimsey.com

Design by Chris Garborg | www.garborgdesign.com

Printed in China

FOR

Lilah,

Haley,

AND

Asher

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 NIV

When my two oldest children were two years old and six months old, I realized that there are similar and hysterically funny things that all parents go through. These kinds of shared experiences give parents a common bond that is indescribableexcept in terms of smell. Step back and actually think about the ridiculous things that happen in your household on a daily basis. To some people, you sound crazy. To other parents, the everyday moments you describe sound absolutely normal.

As I jotted down funny and endearing moments that happened with my kids and posted them on various social networking sites, the comments were all to the tune of Amen! and Me too! and Thats really gross! Please never post again! from parents all over the country. It seems that we are all experiencing the same things as we navigate a season in our lives that defies logic, science, and sanity. I thought there was something uniquely nuts about what was happening under my roof, yet I saw I wasnt the only one going through it. All of us brave enough to bear offspring are enrolled in the humbling, absurd school called Parenting Universitywhere grades are given in hugs and kisses on the cheek, in addition to dirty diapers and backhanded compliments.

Once, in the middle of the night, my wife and I were exhausted. We had been out of bed and down the hall to the kids room too many times to count; swaddling, comforting, and reinserting a pacifier (into the right end, I hoped). There in the hallway, I pulled out my phone and started making notes of what I call Parenting Rules. If you are a parent, are planning to be a parent, have ever known a parent, or had a parent, the rules in these pages were written for you. What started as comical notes for myself became a collection of moments and stories I am now sharing with you in the hope that you will declare, Ryan, you are not alone. I understand where youre coming from. I hope these rules make you smile or even laugh out loud the next time you find yourself in a bizarre (but somehow heartwarming) situation. At least youll know were all together on this ludicrous, tiring, but ultimately awesome journey of parenthood!

-Ryan OQuinn

You will feel as though you will never sleep for eight hours again. Ever.

I remember the first three days my firstborn was on the planet. I paced the hallway thinking my wife and I were completely alone and there was no way humankind should have survived this long if parents got that little sleep! How was it possible? Would I ever get two hours straight again? Three?

Barring a miracle, eight hours is completely out of reach for the first nine months. The good news is that it gets bettereventually. Then kid #2 comes along and you start all over again!

You will be sure your kid is an alien.

On TV when babies are born, it takes about fifteen seconds of labor and the newborn is immediately handed to the mom, bundled up and beautiful. When babies are born in real life, they are wiggly, misshapen, odd-colored little creatures. Dont get me wrong, the first time you see your sweet angel is the greatest moment ever, but if we are totally honest, newborns look more like gooey aliens.

That kid on TV is not a newborn. The media has misled us! Not only does a real newborn look like an alien, that little guy has been in utero for nine months and somehow was able to manufacture poop from another planet.

You read about meconium in the books, but you never really expect the black gunk in the first few diapers to be that sticky, black, and just all around weird. What is that stuff? There is certainly a scientific explanation for this, but the adhesive factor of this substance is incredible. I scrubbed one rear end like I was removing rust from a bumper.

This sounds weird, but go with me on this: After the first few days of black alien-blob poop, it turns yellow and there is a hot, buttered popcorn smell until baby food is added to the diet. It will eventually dissipate, and you will miss it. Trust me, in just a few months, the foul stench that comes from a ripe Diaper Genie will make buzzards throw up.

You will always be too tired to read a book about getting your child to sleep because you have been TRYING TO GET YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP!

Everyone seems to have their own theories, ideas, wives tales, and formulas about children and sleep. You never know what will really work until you are standing in the hallway with your own unique, specific child. Most of the time during the infancy stage, the only thing you can think about is that magical moment years from now when you will actually get seven uninterrupted hours of sleep.

My wife and I had trouble with all of our little ones in the sleep department. That is not uncommon, of course, but having been one of the last of our friends to produce offspring, all of our contemporaries were on the other side of the sleep issue by the time we were going through it.

Our well-meaning friends offered countless aids and ideas to us and loaned us amazing and helpful books on how to get the tiny ones to snooze.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Given a spare fifteen minutes in my day to actually crack open a book (other than this one), I had better be utilizing four minutes of that time to strip down and put on pajamas, three minutes to brush my teeth, four minutes to search the house in a frantic race to find where I have misplaced the baby monitor and four minutes to process everything that has happened in my day and immediately fall asleep.

By the way, those well-intentioned and possibly helpful books are all in a pile at our home. If you loaned them to us, please drop by and pick yours up. If you come over while Im sleeping, dont wake me, but please feel free to stick around. You are now on diaper-duty.

You will look like a complete fool while trying to feed a child who is distracted by a toy, TV screen, oranything.

Babies will simply not pay attention or open their mouths, and you will end up looking like a bouncing moron.

Pause for a second and look at what you are doing. You are bobbing and weaving while balancing pureed foods on a tiny spoon and aiming at a moving mouth target. At the same time, you are making sounds and opening your own mouth wider and wider in an attempt to get the little one to emulate your face and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD IN THE WORLD eat.