Stephen A. Anthony - Co-parenting vs Parallel parenting: Divorce the toxic ex while dealing with kids visitation schedule and parenting plan

Co-parenting vs Parallel parenting

divorce the toxic ex while dealing with kids visitation schedule and parenting plan

by Stephen A. Anthony

www.mentalhealthchampion.com

Facebook: mentalhealthchamp

Twitter: @mymhchamp

Intro

A divorce is difficult . Some divorces are very difficult. If you think it's difficult for the adults, it is much more difficult for the kids. It really takes some fantastic parents to make it easier for kids and to consider the kids above all else. It is possible to make the whole process easier on the kids and many divorced parents do just that. That is the basis of co-parenting.

Unfortunately, if you are divorcing someone with a personality disorder, you will find it's not that easy. While they may show the court one face and act a certain way, when they are away from that limelight, their true face will come out. You've probably experienced it before and expect to experience it again. If you have kids, it's even worse. Being forced to co-parent becomes a nightmare because that parent uses it, and the kids, as a power play.

When you have kids, you have no choice but to deal with your ex. While you want to take care of the kids, your ex may just use them to make your life difficult, no matter the cost to the kids. Then the courts force you to co-parent. That can be crazy, because one of the likely reasons you divorced them was because you couldn't parent together.

There is another way, and that's parallel parenting. Many parents are finding that this method works well and has helped them and their kids. This book will cover what co-parenting is and what parallel parenting is. There are pros and cons to each. You need to be aware of them when trying to work out the best way to take care of your children.

Taking care of the kids is one of the main priorities for a divorced parent. When the other parent doesn't care to do what's best for the kids, it can make it impossible to take care of them as well as you'd like. Co-parenting doesn't work in every situation but it's difficult for the courts to recognize that. They feel that being with each parent 50% of the time and the parents working on a co-parent situation will be best for everyone. This isn't always true.

Parallel parenting may take some getting used to as you need to refrain from old habits and bugging the kids about what they did at the other parent's house. It is a situation that could be beneficial for you and your kids and is worth looking into.

Differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting

S ITUATION

If you have kids, when you divorce, you are still not done with your ex. You still have kids to take care of and the court will want both parents involved in that. Even if you feel like the other parent doesn't deserve it, studies have shown that it is best for the children in the long run if both parents stay involved in their lives.

The problem is that the courts will most likely put you and the other parent in a co-parenting situation. This is believed to give the children access to both parents and to allow both parents to have a say in the kids rearing.

Co-parenting - This describes a situation after divorce where a child has equal access to both parents. It also means that both parents are involved in raising the child and making decisions involving the child. Communicating and compromise are the keys to making co-parenting work.

This works if the parents can put their own feelings aside and make decisions together that are in the best interest of the children. Co-parents can still communicate and still be around each other when it is best for the kids. They can work out a schedule that may be difficult for them but is best for the kids. Co-parents don't want their kids to miss activities, they don't want them to miss being with friends, and they also don't want them to miss being with the other parent. Each parent wants what is best for the children and knows that is what the co-parent wants also.

This just doesn't work if one of the parents has a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline. Working in a co-parenting situation with someone like that can be a nightmare for you and the kids. It is actually worse on the kids when you are struggling to make the co-parenting situation work when the other parent isn't doing the same. Arguments and uncertainty are detrimental to the children and won't help them in the long run. When one parent uses the kids schedule and visitation as a power play or to 'get even' with the other parent, it just harms the kids and makes life miserable for everyone except the personality disorder parent.

While most courts only understand co-parenting, many divorcees have started using parallel parenting. This doesn't invalidate any court order but is usually an alternative way of parenting. Before engaging in any changes, you are encouraged to talk with your lawyer to ensure you won't be doing anything against the court.

Parallel parenting - This is similar to co-parenting except there isn't as much direct communication. Parents communicate via written message, but never using the kids as messenger. Each parent agrees to not make changes to the child's schedule (activities) without written agreement from both parties. All activities are set in stone and monitored through a shared calendar.

So why would you want or need to choose parallel over co-parenting? Usually it is done because there are too many problems between the parents when trying to discuss what is best for the children. Arguments do not help the situation and make life worse for the kids. If the kids are stressed because of the parents arguing or because they are missing their activities, then choosing parallel parenting may be best. If parents cannot co-parent, for whatever reason, parallel parenting forces them to do what's best for the kids. It allows certain rules to be set down in black and white and holds the parents to be responsible and follow those rules, which are stricter than co-parenting.

Some benefits:

Parents aren't arguing in front of kids

Kids get to their activities

One parent can't derail things, schedules aren't changed without written agreement

Schedules are shared on a calendar so there is no argument about dates and times

Communication is with email so that there is no disagreement on information

Children aren't stressed as messengers for parents

Parallel parenting is a better choice when at least one of the parents has a personality disorder like borderline or narcissism. People with these disorders view the world differently than the norm and may cause problems because they want to be in control or just because they want to 'win'. By using parallel parenting, that parent can't control the ex and kids and that parent can't make life difficult. They can't make changes on a whim.