Bill Geist - Little League Confidential: One Coachs Completely Unauthorized Tale of Survival

Books by Bill Geist

THE ZUCCHINI PLAGUE AND OTHER TALES OF SUBURBIA

CITY SLICKERS

MONSTER TRUCKS & HAIR-IN-A-CAN

SCRIBNER
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 1992, 1997 by William Geist

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

SCRIBNER and design are trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Manufactured in the United States of America

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The Library of Congress has cataloged the Macmillan edition as follows:
Geist, Bill.
Little League confidential: one coachs completely unauthorized tale of survival / Bill Geist.
p. cm.
I. Title.
PS3557.E3638L58 1992
813.54dc20 91-37562

CIP

ISBN 0-684-84198-3
eISBN: 978-1-451-60319-4

This book has not been authorized or approved by Little League Baseball, Incorporated. LITTLE LEAGUE is a registered trademark of Little League Baseball, Incorporated.

For Willie and Libby

Acknowledgments?

Lets see. I acknowledge that in the beginning the earth was without form and void. I acknowledge the duly elected government of Canada, the pedestrians (theoretical) right of way, and the final authority of the President of the World Wrestling Federation, without which there would be chaos.

More relevantly, I want to give special thanks to Abner Doubleday who inven He didnt?! Well, that makes it complete. Now, everything I learned in school has been invalidated.

Thanks to Claire Chiappetta, who definitely did produce the CBS television piece we did on my daughters baseball team for the Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt show, which inspired this book. Thanks to Charles Kuralt and to Linda Mason, executive producer, for airing it.

Thanks most of all to Tom Connor, who saw the piece, came up with the big idea to make a book out of it, and saw it throughand through, and through. (Keep fighting for that open bar at the book party, Tom).

Thanks to all those at Macmillan, especially Rick Wolff, the former minor league baseball player, now major league editor. Finally, an editor with a sense of humor! But then, hed have to have one, wouldnt he, to pay me for this book?

Thanks for the rich material to all my co-coaches and all my playersalso to my opponents and my players parents, often one and the same.

Thanks to my wife, Jody, and, of couse, to my son, Willie, and my daughter, Libby, for seeing me through my difficult Little League years. Im better now, thanks.

Bill Geist

Hello, Andy? This is Mr. Geist, Willies father. I called to tell you that Im going to be your baseball coach this year.

Um-hm.

Our first practice is Thursday, four oclock, on the diamond behind Ben Franklin school.

Um-hm.

Say Andy, I wanted you to knowand we can keep this just between the two of us, OK?that you were the first player I picked for my team! They told me you were on the all-star team last year!

Oh, yeh, that was my brother, Adam.

What?

Yeh. Hes great. I I dont really care much for sports myself.

(Pause.) Ah, cmon, Andy, sure you do.

(Silence.)

See you Thursday, Adam.

Andy.

Yeah, Andy.

Hello, is your brother home?

I dont have a brother.

Well, is Gene there?

This is Jean.

(Pause.) So, uh, Jean. Youre a girl.

Yes.

Thats interesting, interesting.

Hello, Neville. Say, you have the same name as the mayor.

Hes my dad.

Oh, great.

I dont have to play outfield again this year, do I coach?

Well, Neville, all the players on our team will be playing lots of different positions, we want to give everyone a chan

The coach made me play the outfield all last season, and my dad got so mad he said he was going to send the tax assessor over to his house.

(Pause.) Oh! Well, Neville, Im sure youll be playing a lot of infield. (Christ! The new kitchen!!!) By the way, Neville, what is your very favorite position?

Hello, Hermie?

Oh, hello, Mr. Geist. Enjoyed your piece in Sundays Times on the changing political situation in Botswana.

Well, thanks Herm, but, that wasnt mine, actually. Youre interested in Botswana?

I take an interest in everything. My compliments to the writer.

Hello, is Lynn at home?

No, Im afraid not. This is her mother.

(Pause.) So, um, shes a girl too?

What do you mean, too?

Also. (That bastard who coaches Jiffy Lube told me at the draft that Lynn was definitely a boy!)

Well, this better not conflict with ballet.

Hello, Byron? Im your coach this year, and

Yeh. I heard. I heard. I think we got a good team this year, coach. Think well kick a little butt, know what I mean?

Im sure we will. I hope well be kicking quite a bit, actually.

Good. Say, coach, lets get something straight. Dont call me Byron. Ever. I go by my initials, B.A., which also stand for Bad Ass.

Um-hm.

Dont have any girls on the team, do we, coach?

Oh, heh-heh, you know how it is these days maybe just a couple.

Too bad. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two outsyou know what Im talking about.

Sure, sure.

Do we finally get to lead off when we run the bases this year?

No, Bad A no, I dont believe we do.

That really sucks, doesnt it?

Why, uh, yes, it certainly does. Suck.

Emily isnt home right now, shes over at the Agnew School triathlon.

Great! Swimming, running, hiking?

No. Math, geography and violin.

Super.

Im glad you called. How did Danny get on your team? We specifically asked in a notarized letter that Danny be placed on Mr. Flints team. They have a very close relationship, and Danny needs that kind of support. We have filed a formal complaint with The Commissioner of Baseball.

Hi, Monique.

I dont know if I can play this year, Mr. Geist.

Why not?

I have Lee Press-On Nails.

(Dialing.) (Well, it looks like Ive got two Andys this year.)

Eh-lo.

Hello, is this Andy?

No-no. Name is Anand.

Excuse me?

Anand.

Your name is Ah-nahnd?

Yes I think so; we are from India.

Super. Super country. Well, welcome, welcome to this land and, um, well: where in the heck did you learn to play baseball?

Sorry. I do not know this bazebohl?

Youre gonna love it.

Hello. My name is Bill. And Im a Little League coach.

Ive been one for nine seasons, and Im about to do it again.

I know its bad for me sometimes, but I cant seem to stop.

Coaching, like smoking Camels and drinking Stingers, is voluntary, of course. Waking one day to find yourself suddenly transformed intoAieee!A Little League Parent is not.

This book is written for The Few And The Many: for those few men and women who are remodeling my basement and demand to be paid; and for the many parents and coaches out there who, like myself, suffer from Little League Syndrome. Millions are afflicted.