Joyce Carol Oates - Zombie (P.S.)

My name is Q__ P__ & I am thirty-one years

Is Time outside me, I started wondering in high school.

I am a registered part-time student at Dale County Technological

As of last Monday my residence is 118 North Church

Monday afternoons 4:00 P.M.-4:50 P.M. Mt. Vernon Medical Center. Dr. E__ asks What are

Last night I was working late in the cellar. Emergency

Of all of them, of Mom & Dad & Grandma

It has been hardest on Dad because R__ P__ is

It was five years ago the idea of creating a

This is why: seeing the Universe like that (& that

I was living in a two-room place on Twelfth Street

Twelve years old & in seventh grade & now I

This page, I razored out of the textbook. Back behind

At Tuesdays group session Dr. B__ urged us to speak from

A true ZOMBIE would be mine forever. He would obey

Purchased my first ice pick, March 1988. Cruising the van

Mondays & Thursdays are trash pick-up mornings on North Church.

Dr. E__ asks What is the nature of your fantasies, Quentin?

At the time of BUNNYGLOVES, RAISINEYES, BIG GUY I did

HOW A DUMB ACCIDENT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Phone rang & it was Mom. Asked how I was

Couldnt remember where Id hidden them. Groping around on top

Mom called. Left a message on the answering tape saying

Thursday was Q__ P__s busy day!

FUCKING SORRY to be missing so many classes at Dale

EXCEPT: the old dreams starting again in this new bed

That last time in my place on Reardon St. I

& then the disposal of. The heavy weight of.

somebodys left-behind New Anthology of English Verse & I leafed

Dad & Mom & the relatives were ashamed but THAT

My name for him was SQUIRREL. That was my secret

Even before SQUIRREL it was a season of many plans!buzzing

There was talk of Q__ enrolling for summer session at

Mowing Grandmas lawn one Saturday in July & trimming the

This property Q__ P__ is CARETAKER for why cant I

I wrote in red Magic Marker inside a toilet stall

A plan was forming like a slow dream & I

Q__ P__ a PERPETUAL HARD-ON.

QUANTIFIABLE & UNQUANTIFIABLE MATERIAL!

HOW THINGS PLAY OUT. July 28 telephoned Dads lawyer hed

Final week in July. My will power is such I

It is a requirement, Michigan Department of Corrections, that your

On the air conditioner in Q__ P__s CARETAKER quarters were

Six stones remaining on the air conditioner. & then five,

Next day, asked Grandma could I borrow $$$ for a

HOW THINGS PLAY OUT. Purchased the Dodge Ram, Aug. 23.

Do bones float?

Aug. 26 & I was no sooner home & out

Labor Day, & a few days later. Junie called &

Labor Day, & the fall term starting at the University.

Mon. 4:00 P.M.-4:50 P.M. Mt. Vernon Medical Center on the other side of

For all that has happened, has happened. From the beginning

A true ZOMBIE would be mine forever. He would obey

Junie said, Dont speak of it to Dad. His heart

A day is long & so the time has been

Junie has been BIG SIS all my life. She is

Mom called & left a message & the answering tape

My name is Q__ P__ & I am thirty-one years old, three months.

Height five feet ten, weight one hundred forty-seven pounds.

Eyes brown, hair brown. Medium build. Light scattering of freckles on arms, back. Astigmatism in both eyes, corrective lenses required for driving.

Distinguishing features: none.

Except maybe these faint worm-shaped scars on both my knees. They say from a bicycle accident, I was a little boy then. I dont contradict but I dont remember.

I never contradict. I am in agreement with you as you utter your words of wisdom. Moving your asshole-mouth & YES SIR I am saying NO MAAM I am saying. My shy eyes. Behind my plastic-rimmed glasses that are the color of skin seen through plastic.

Caucasian skin that is. On both sides of my family going back forever as far as I am aware.

My I.Q. when last tested: 112. A previous time tested: 107. In high school when tested: 121.

Born Mt. Vernon, Michigan. February 11, 1963. Dale Springs public schools. Dale Springs High School, class of 1981. Q__ P__ graduated forty-fourth in a class of one hundred eighteen. Did not win a scholarship to any college. Did not belong to any sports teams, school newspaper or yearbook etc. Highest grades in math except in senior year calculus where I fucked up.

I see my probation officer Mr. T__ alternate Thursdays 10 A.M. , downtown Mt. Vernon. My therapist Dr. E__ Mondays 4 P.M. , University Medical Center. Group therapy with Dr. B__ is Tuesdays 7 P.M.

I am not doing well, I think. Or maybe just O.K. I know they are writing reports. But I am not allowed to see. If one of these was a woman I would do better, I feel. They believe you, they are not always watching you. EYE CONTACT HAS BEEN MY DOWNFALL.

Mr. T__ asks questions like rolling off a tape. YES SIR I tell him NO SIR. I am employed. On a regular basis now. Dr. E__ is the one who prescribes the medication. Asks me questions to get me to talk. My tongue gets in the way of my talking. Dr. B__ throws out a question as he says to get the guys talking. Theyre bullshit masters. I admire them. I sit inside my clothes staring at my shoes. My whole body is a numb tongue.

I drive everywhere in my Ford van. It is a 1987 model, the color of wet sand. No longer new but reliable. It passes through your vision like passing through a solid wall invisible. My American flag decal big as a real flag in the rear window.

My bumper sticker is I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS . I thought it was a good idea to have a bumper sticker.

Is Time outside me, I started wondering in high school. When things began to go fast. Or is Time inside me.

If OUTSIDE you have to keep pace with fucking clocks & calendars. No slacking off. If INSIDE, you do what you want. Whatever. You create your own Time. Like breaking the hands off a clock like I did once so its just the clock face there looking at you.

I am a registered part-time student at Dale County Technological College where I am enrolled in two three-credit courses for the spring semester. INTRO TO ENGINEERING & INTRO TO DIGITAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING.

It was decided that Q__ P__ might become an ENGINEER. There are many kinds of ENGINEERING. Chemical ENGINEERING, civil ENGINEERING, electrical ENGINEERING, mechanical & aerospace ENGINEERING. The college catalog lists the requirements for majors. Q__ P__ might earn a degree in how many years Dad calculated.

In the detention center downtown where they locked me up awaiting Dad posting my bond I was observed doing rapid calculations in pencil. Up and down the margins of old magazines laying around. Weird: my hand moving like it had its own purpose. Like in eighth grade, algebra equations. Geometry problems except I didnt have a compass or ruler but drew the figures anyway. Long columns of numbers like ants just to add them up for the hell of it, I guess. I dont know why. This went on for a long time. For hours. I was sweating onto the magazine pages watching where the pencil point moved. Even after the pencil point got dull and the marks were invisible. Even when the guard was talking to me and I didnt hear.