Lea - Wondering who you are : a memoir

Copyright 2015 Sonya Lea

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, contact Tin House Books,
2617 NW Thurman St., Portland, OR 97210.

Published by Tin House Books, Portland, Oregon and
Brooklyn, New York

Distributed by W. W. Norton and Company.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the printed edition as follows:

Lea, Sonya.

Wondering who you are : a memoir / by Sonya Lea. -- First U.S. edition.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-941040-07-2 (alk. paper)

ISBN 978-1-941040-08-9 (e-book)

1. Lea, Sonya. 2. Appendix (Anatomy)--Cancer--Patients--Family relationships--United States. 3. Appendix (Anatomy)--Cancer--Patients--United States--Biography. 4. Amnesiacs--United States--Biography. I. Title.

RC280.A66L43 2015

616.99436--dc23

2015001537

Lyrics on page 279 excerpted from the Alexi Murdoch song Wait which appeared on his album Time Without Consequence (Zero Summer, 2006). Lyrics reprinted courtesy of Nettwerk One Music (Canada) Limited. More information at aleximurdoch.com.

First US edition 2015

Interior design by Diane Chonette

www.tinhouse.com

Authors Note

To write this book I utilized my journals written in the hospital and the early years of recovery. I also relied upon hospital records, letters to and from friends, family, and colleagues, doctors and therapists notes and reports, legal depositions, and, in some cases, interviews with people mentioned in the book. Richards perspective was created through his own writing on various subjects, as well as interviews on subjects I might not have otherwise known. I have changed the names of many people in the book, but not all of them, and in some cases I modified identifying details so as to preserve anonymity. I omitted some people and events when it had no impact upon the veracity or substance of the story.

For our children

prologue

EIGHT YEARS LATER , in the first hour of July 2, 2011, an immense silvery light comes into our bedroom. My husband sleeps near the door; Im reluctantly on the left. He needs to be the man; he needs to remember what he has forgotten; he needs me to want him where he is. What he has is a body freshly absent of cancer, an acquired brain injury, a scar down his middle, a gap where the memories of our life used to be, a kind, childlike smile, and a wife who thinks shes a badass. The light saturates the midnight room. A bolt the speed of lightning; a brilliant flash; ordinary blackness. We raise our heads and breathe; there is no thunder.

Im working on my own life story.

I dont mean Im putting it together; no, Im taking it apart.

MARGARET ATWOOD

acknowledgments

THIS STORY WOULD not exist without my husband, Richard, for he gave me the privilege of creating us on the page. Nor would I be the woman I am without his undying love. He was a collaborator, writing impressions of his experiences and reading every version of this work (usually with tears in his eyes). He was my patron and my inspiration, providing physical and emotional sustenance for our entire family. We did this together.

Whenever people asked how the revision process was going, I told them I was working with my dream editor, Tony Perez of Tin House Books. Ours was a collaborative endeavor that included my longed-for literary conversation and his ability to gently persuade me to deepen difficult scenes. I remain in awe of his ability to refine my sentences and to win me over to the serial comma. That the world still has room for literary icons like Tin House gives me hope for the future of books.

Anne Horowitz is a detail-driven copy editor who made me more thoughtful of my word choices and vastly improved my sentences. Im so thankful for her influence on this text.

Waverly Fitzgerald was an early editor of this book, and she has become a friend whose rigor and advice I value enormously. I cant thank her enough for leading me in the right direction.

Priscilla Long has been my mentor for the past six years. Without her input on discipline, grammar, sentencesall the ways she encourages virtuoso writing in her classes and in her book, The Writers Portable MentorI couldnt have done the hard work.

Researcher Renee Bellinger contributed her expertise to the Notes section. We are fellow caregivers of spouses with PMP, and her loving attention extended beyond source- and fact-checking to real compassion and understanding of what it means to live with a rare cancer.

Of course, very little of this would have happened without the faith of Victoria Skurnick of Levine Greenberg Rostan Literary Agency. Victoria helped me see this work as a book about relationship, and educated me about the publishing world, and Im so happy for her guidance, and the fine work of Lindsey Edgecomb too.

Nanci McCloskey and Meg Cassidy of Tin Houses marketing team helped me get this book to its readers, and their thoughtful consideration of its themes helped me give opportunities for others, especially those wounded by cancer, brain injury, and PTSD, to have their stories heard. Thank you.

I have so much gratitude for the early readers of this book, for their encouragement, evaluation, and support. Thank you Sheila Belanger, Jack Saturday, Carole Harmon, and Anne Douglas. Warren Etheredge did the equivalent of treading water endlessly while waiting for me to jump from a very high cliff. And Laurie Wagner of Wild Writing held my hand when I was skittish about including all of me in this book. Oh my God, I thank you forever for your friendship.

The women in my writing groups were fearless and thorough in helping me tell an honest story. Debra Carlson and I shared our thoughts about writing, children, relationships, and wishes for over a decade, and I appreciate her compassion for the roller coaster that was this book coming into existence. Lisa Whipple asks the kinds of direct questions you want from a writing colleague and a wisecracking friend, and her terrific editing improved many scenes. The writers of the Advanced Short Forms Seminar offered the kind of grace, warmth, and critique essential to my development. Likewise Melissa Layer, June Blue Spruce, Angela Mercy, Nan Macy, and Katie Nelson were advocates in a writing group that kept me company during years of writing.

Excerpts from this memoir have appeared in various literary magazines. Brevitys Ceiling or Sky? Female Nonfictions after the VIDA Count brought my work to the attention of people who wouldnt have found me otherwise, including George E. Miller of The Prentice Hall Reader. Thanks to Dinty Moore, Dr. Miller, and guest editors Barrie Jean Borich, Susanne Antonetta, and Joy Castro. Your support was instrumental in helping me launch a career.

Id also like to extend my gratitude to Bret Lott, who selected an early excerpt from this story for the Southern Review. Your letter gave me the strength to continue when the writing felt like a madness.

Fish Publishing honored an excerpt from this book in its international memoir competition, judged by David Shields, and Im happy for the recognition at a time when the form of the book was changing.

Im lucky to live in a city in which essayists and memoirists specialize in some of the same territory covered in this book. Suzanne Morrison spent hours talking through ideas and sharing her relationship to the personal story form. Likewise, Claire Dederer, Nicole Hardy, and Brian McGuigan lent their time and expertise.