Sarah Mlynowski - As Seen on TV

Milkrun

Fishbowl

Loads and loads of thanks to:

The ever-reliable and always-encouraging publishing people: my editor, Sam Bell; my agent, Laura Dail; and the RDI team (Laura, Tara, Margie, Margaret, Pam and Tania).

My truly incredible mom, Elissa Ambrose, and friends Robin Glube, Bonnie Altro, Jessica Braun, Lynda Curnyn and Ronit Avni, who edited, plotted and listened to my whining.

My dad, for being wonderful and nothing like the dad in this book; my sister, Aviva, for making me laugh; and my soon-to-be in-laws, the Swidlers, for continuing to pretend that theyre not embarrassed by my subject matter.

Daniel Laikind and Jessica Davidman, for sharing their reality TV insights and experiences.

Corinne Gelman, for her please-tell-me-he-doesnt-do-that Bilerman stories; Mark Boidman, for his expert legalese; and Jay Takefman, so hell stop bugging me to put his name in a book.

Pripsteins Camp, for my sweetest summer memories, and for appointing me color captain, not once but twice.

For Todd

NYCAssistant Manager, New Business Development

Soda Star, Americas leading beverage company, seeks candidates for its growing New Business Development department.

Candidates should have bubbly personality, positive outlook on life (glass is always half-full!), free-flowing ideas, excellent contacts. Sparkling written, communication and organizational skills. A drop of administrative work required. An all-you-can-drink opportunity!

If you have Star potential, please e-mail your resume as a Word document ONLY to hr@workforcheap&beourbitch.com.

W hy are you calling? the HR woman asks me, panic-stricken, as if recess is over and she hasnt finished her Fruit Roll-up. Didnt the ad say not to phone?

Yes, I understand that, thank you, but Ill only be in New York for a few days. I would really like to set up an interview. I need a new job. I attempt to shield myself behind the pay phones plastic divider, since this is the only nicotine-friendly cafeteria on the block and anyone from the office could easily sneak in for a smoke.

The smell of this stale smoke combined with the plates of shepherds pie lined up on the counter make me wish long-distance calls from my cell phone didnt make me sound as though Im calling from Zimbabwe. I also wish I knew how to make a calling-card call from my office without getting the IT department.

Once the hundreds of resumes weve received for the Assistant Manager, New Business Development position are reviewed, the HR woman says, the managing director will choose the candidates to be interviewed. If youre one of the fortunate ones selected, I assure you, youll be called.

Obviously the first thing this woman does when she gets home is kick her dog. Thank you very much for your time, I say.

I redial Soda Stars number.

Florida Telephone Systems. Brrring.

I dial my calling-card number.

Soda Star, the shining light in beverages, the receptionist sings. How may I help you?

May I please speak to the managing director?

Which managing director is that, miss?

Which managing director? Shouldnt there only be one director who manages? Or maybe one manager who directs? The new business managing director, please. Please let that be right.

Whom should I say is calling?

A person hes never heard of before? Sunny Langstein.

One moment, please. Ill transfer your call.

Foiled again, HR.

Im probably going to get his voice mail. Why would he be at his desk at 10:30 a.m.? Hes probably out managing. Or directing. Or managing directors when it gets really crazy. I hunt through my recently started job-search notebook where I wrote possible messages to leave on prospective employers machines.

Ring, ring. Heart beating erratically.

Ronald Newman speaking.

Good. Damn. Hes there. Its a he. Concentrate on exuding confident, sexy, sweet voice. I flip back to the page of possible things to say to prospective employers. Hi, Mr. Newman? This is Sunny Langstein calling. Im presently the assistant manager of new business development for Panda in Fort Lauderdale, but I will be relocating to New York for personal reasons. Im very impressed with your companys work and would like to continue my professional growth in the beverage industry. Ill be in New York next week, and I was wondering if youd consider meeting with me to discuss any potential job openings in your department.

How did you get this number? Arent you supposed to go through HR?

Sounds cranky. Must accent the sweet voice. Im so sorry to bother you, sir. Now confident. I just assumed calling you would be more efficient.

He laughs. I picture him reclining in a brown leather reading chair, a pipe dangling from his lips. Well, Sunny, youre probably right. Do you think you could handle working in the big leagues?

Oooh. The big leagues.

Im quite confident I can, sir. I have excellent this is where I exploit the many hackneyed and meaningless qualifications employers salivate over communication and organizational skills. I multitask, prioritize, problem-solve and self-start. I pay strong attention to detail and work effectively with both creative and production staff. I have a proactive approach toward current products and new business, and I have a personable, team-player personality. Will you be able to meet with me for an informational interview?

Pause. Are you aware that Im looking for an assistant manager right now? To report directly to me?

No kidding. Really? Id love to come and talk to you about it. Ill be in NewYork next Monday. Do you have a free half hour?

He laughs again. Youre a go-getter. I like that. Hmm. Let me check.

Hes clicking on his keyboard. Clickingclickingmore clicking.

Did I mention Im proficient in most computer programs including Windows, Macintosh, Microsoft Office and Photoshop? I ask.

He whistles his approval. How about right before my golf game? Four oclock?