Mordecai Richler - Cocksure

Cocksure

A NOVEL BY

MORDECAI RICHLER

SIMON AND SCHUSTER

NEW YORK

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

INCLUDING THE RIGHT OF REPRODUCTION

IN WHOLE OR IN PART IN ANY FORM

COPYRIGHT 1968 BY MORDECAI RICHLER

PUBLISHED BY SIMON AND SCHUSTER

ROCKEFELLER CENTER, 630 FIFTH AVENUE

NEW YORK, NEW YORK 1OO2O

The lines quoted on pages 109-10 are from The Adventurers by Harold Robbins, copyright 1966 by Harold Robbins, reprinted by permission of Trident Press.

FIRST PRINTING

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOG CARD NUMBER: 68-14845

MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

BY H. WOLFF BOOK MFG. CO., INC., N. Y.

FOR JACK AND HAYA

Dino Tomasso braked before the high, familiar gates with the coupling snakes woven into the wrought iron. It was not necessary for him to show a pass, but he had to wait, drumming his three-fingered left hand against the steering wheel, while the armed, black-uniformed guard threw the lever that opened the gates and waved Tomassos AC Cobra 427 through. Tomasso turned into the winding, cypress-lined driveway, whistling happily until he spotted Laughton sitting by the poolside.

Laughton, one of several doctors attached to the Star Makers medical unit, was drinking with Gail, a pretty nurse in a bikini. Time for a quick snort? he asked.

No. Sorry, Tomasso said, his voice wobbly.

How you keeping?

Lousy. Honestly .

Hold on a minute. With a wink for Gail, Laughton whipped out an eye chart from under his towel and pointed a swixzle stick at the fifth line: U F J Z B H Q A. Lets go, he said.

Tomasso reached for a tissue and wiped his forehead and the back of his thick, pleated neck. He squinted. Ill try my best. J, he said, T Y Z B ... um ... S ... N .... How am I doing?

Youre faking, you bastard.

You mean, Tomasso said, radiating innocence, I may need glasses?

Gail shrieked with laughter.

Youre a card, Dino, Laughton said, you really are.

Tomasso laughed too, but ingratiatingly, without smiling. Hows tricks? he asked.

Laughton indicated the blinking red light and locked doors of the mobile operating theater. The Star Makers defrocked priest stood alongside, commiserating with one of the spare-parts men.

Oh, no, Tomasso said.

Dont jump to conclusions. Its all because of the new nurse.

Miss McInnes?

Bitch hadnt been told about the deep-freeze.

She defrosted , Gail squealed.

Holy shit!

With trembling hand, Tomasso flicked the AC Cobra 427 into gear and sped toward the big house, pursued by their laughter. My God, my God, he thought, sliding out of the car, favoring his right leg, which was artificial.

The ageless, undying Star Maker reclined in his customary wheelchair. Behind, sending a shiver through Tomasso yet again, there loomed the familiar portrait of the pernicious Chevalier don, at once the Star Makers hero and heroine.

Do you know why I sent for you, Dino?

When Tomasso was summoned from Hollywood to the Star Makers mansion in Las Vegas, he calculated, not unreasonably, that he was at last to be designated crown prince of the empire. After all these years of sacrifice, he thought, unstinting labor and operations, he would be officially recognized heir apparent.

No, Tomasso lied hopefully.

We hope to acquire a publishing house and a film studio in England. I want you to go to London and look after my interests there.

Oh, no, this wasnt making him crown prince. This was even worse than a demotion. It was banishment.

Tomasso, who had been raised in the motion picture business, knew that London was not where you sent an heir apparent to be testedit was the place whereto you shipped schlemiels to make son-in-law movies.

Son-in-law movies were produced by a studio chiefs cousins, uncles, and sons-in-law, who had to be given something more than their fingers to twiddle: otherwise it wouldnt look nice for the family. Once, Tomasso remembered, these retarded relations were put in charge of the popcorn concession or distribution to ozoners, but that became too big; then they were allowed to sell rerun rights to TV, but then that became too big too; and so finally they were sent to England with blessings. A new breed of remittance men. In London, making zero pictures with zero actors, they still cost the family money, but the losses were negligible.

Im not going, Tomasso said defiantly.

In twenty-five years, Dino, you have never said no to me before.

Tomasso looked at the floor, steadying himself.

I have no heir. You are my son, Dino.

How many times had he heard that before? Raising his head, astonished at his own courage, Tomasso said, Go fuck yourself.

Slowly, slowly, the Star Maker raised hands to face, shielding the bad eye. In the pause that ensued Tomasso dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands, making them bleed.

Go... Why, youre committing suicide, Dino.

Tomasso fell to his knees. Forgive me, Star Maker.

The Star Makers face creased. It was, Tomasso supposed, a smile. But why, Dino?

Oh, Star Maker, please, its just that I dared to dream of bigger things when you sent for me. The words leaped out. I didnt mean it.

The Star Maker pressed a button, summoning his private secretary, Miss Mott. The Star Maker pressed another button and they were joined by two black-uniformed motorcycle riders.

Say it again, Dino.

Id cut my tongue out first, Star Maker.

No, no. Miss Mott, get this down. Ill want eight copies, witnessed and signed by Mr. Tomasso.

But it was a slip of the tongue, so help me. We dont need witnesses.

Its for your own protection, Dino.

Is it?

You said it to me first.

Ive given you the best years of my life, Star Maker. Anything you asked, I did.

Well take it from the top. I said, quote, I want you to go to London and look after my interests there, unquote. You said, quote, Im not going, unquote. I said, quote, I have no heir. You are my son, Dino, unquote. Then you said, quote ... ?

I said ... I said... Maybe you heard me wrong, Star Maker?

Come on, Dino. Then you said, quote ?

Trembling, Tomasso repeated what he had said.

Can you beat that? the Star Maker asked, actually laughing.

Miss Motts eyes widened.

Im unwell, Tomasso said, sobbing. I was possessed.

To think that youve been with me all these years and I never suspected your true

Tomasso seized the smaller of the Star Makers hands and kissed it.

Tell me, Dino, have you ever thought this before?

Never!

Keeping it to yourself all these years?

No!

There was another pause, before the Star Maker chuckled and asked, Say it once more, Dino.

I couldnt.

Just once.

The black-uniformed riders stepped closer to Tomasso. So he obliged, but in the smallest possible voice.

Its amazing, the Star Maker said. Coming from you. How Ive underestimated you all these years....

What happens to me now, Star Maker?

But the Star Maker seemed to be lost in a reverie. Amazing.

What happens to me?

To you? Why, I want you to go to London, as I said. If, after six months there, you feel the same way about England, you can come back and pick up any job you want here.

You mean, Tomasso said incredulously, youre giving me a second chance?

As long as I have no heir, you are my son, Dino. Will you go?

Will I go? Oh, Star Maker.

Take this file with you, then. Study it.

Oh, thank you, Tomasso said, fleeing.

The younger of the two black-uniformed riders unstrapped his gun. Ill see to it, he said.

No, The other rider protested, its my turn.

Neither of you, the Star Maker said, will do any harm to Dino.

After what he said to you ?