Bill Keenan - Discussion Materials

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK

Discussion Materials:

Tales of a Rookie Wall Street Investment Banker

2020 by Bill Keenan

All Rights Reserved

ISBN: 978-1-64293-408-3

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-64293-409-0

Cover art by Cody Corcoran

Interior design and composition by Greg Johnson/Textbook Perfect

This is a work of nonfiction. All people, locations, events, and situations are portrayed to the best of the authors memory.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.

Post Hill Press

New York Nashville

posthillpress.com

Published in the United States of America

Contents

To anyone whos worked in plastics

Disclaimer

The following discussion includes forward-looking statements that are subject to uncertainties which are difficult to quantify, and therefore I have italicized everything to lend credibility to the suspect rationale. Forward-looking statements that wildly misrepresent what Im trying to conceal can be identified by words such as future, anticipates, estimates, the, and, and a. Differences, fabrications, and outright lies include, but are not limited to, the entire document. I do not undertake any obligation to publicly update or revise any of the materials found herein provided this becomes a big hit and Oprah recommends it to her book club. Given certain individuals and companies prefer to remain a going concern, I hereby acknowledge some characters are composites, and nameshumans, companies, and otherwiseare pro forma for God only knows what type of adjustments. The idea is to instill equal parts boredom and anger at the outset so you skim the rest of the document and miss the real risks buried deep in footnotes and incomprehensible legalese. Also, this is the smallest font I can legally use.

I am acting as the exclusive advisor and writer of this book (the Book). I will gladly accept any and all accolades with respect to the Books success. However, I absolve myself from any liability if and when shit flies into the fan. The information and projections found herein must not be reproduced in any electronic or physical form and must not be communicated, disclosed, or distributed to any other person in whole or in part except strictly in accordance with the terms of the confidentiality agreement. None of this applies if youre an analyst whos been told by your managing director to get a hold of the document. In that case, it is permissible to use your smartphone to capture as many dog-shit JPEGs of the document during a company presentation and/or photocopy as many pages as possible at the hotel front desk.

Some more stuff about the Financial Services and Markets Act 2000 (Financial Promotion) Order 2005 (as amended) and Article 49(2) (a) to (d). Good luck tracking down what that means. If youve made it to this paragraph, kudos, though something is clearly wrong with you. You may be suited to be an investment banker.

T hen the forty-fourth floors overhead lights flick off. They do that when no ones walked down the hall for fifteen minutes. My dual computer monitors save me from total darkness.

And William, have you tried disabling iterative calculations in the options

Yeah, did thatdoesnt work. You can call me Bill. Whats your name again?

Kamaliyyah.

Any other ideas, Cam? I adjust my headset and take a sip of my Red Bull. After dinner, the only thing keeping my eyelids from drooping is a steady drip of caffeinenatural or synthetic.

I assume youve checked your circularity switches he begins.

Yep.

and run the troubleshooting utility and cleared the cache

Cleared cached config, cleared cached workspace. I tested the RT servers, the AC connectivity, uninstalled then re-installed all the add-ins.

Youll be receiving an email from me in the next couple seconds. If you could reply, please attach your spreadsheet, and let me know which tab youre having the issue with.

I follow his instructions, though I dont need his explanation. I know the drill.

Its the fifth tabPF Financials.

The line is silent as Cam gets to work while I pick up the mini Nerf football on my desk and fire it across the floor, just missing the stack of deal toys lining my VPs cubea vice president at the bank and the dictator of my life.

No circular referencesadd-ins seem to be running properly, Cam says, more to himself than to me. Lets see

The tab to the right is reffed out too, but I redid all the formulas. Doesnt make sense.

Lets have a lookdo you mindcan you give me a few moments? I need to use the restroom.

Sure. I exhale as I say it, loud enough to convey my disapproval of his not having a catheter at his desk.

Rose made the rounds early tonight, around 10:45 p.m., when I was still eating dinner. The smell of old sushi and soy sauce nauseates me, even though I threw my dinner in the trash of the vacant cubicle across the room. Raku Restaurant opened a week ago and has a good deal on tuna rollsfour for under the banks twenty-five-dollar dinner allowance. Fifty percent chance Im gonna get sick, but its a risk Im willing to take.

The investment banking job description that was hammered into me during the never-ending business school recruiting circus flashes in my mind: Exceptional problem-solving abilities; keen interest in global markets; superior financial analysis skills; strong team player. Someone forgot to mention graphic artist and ability to get people in India to unfuck up your shit.

I finish off my Red Bull.

Sorry about that, Bill. Can you provide any context on this spreadsheet? Cams back. Thank God. Allah too.

Cant really tell you.

Of course. I shouldnt have askedprivate information.

Nah, didnt mean it like that. I dont really know what type of transaction it isjust got an email tonight with no context.

Okay, I think I see what the problem is, says Cam. My pulse quickens. The most recent version of the document has a link to another spreadsheet that is probably deleted. The earlier version of the document isnt linked to it. Id like you to try deleting all the cells on the fifth tab below row 113. That should get rid of the broken links that are causing the problems.

I do as told. Still reffed out. My eyes dart to the bottom right corner of my right computer monitor: 2:54 a.m.

Have you tried disabling macros? he says.

Twice.

Theres one other thing you could try.

Anything.

Have you tried restarting your computer? In many instances

I dont respond, but instead emit a condescending scoffing sound. Youd have to be an idiot not to have closed Excel and restarted the computer.

You know what, I say. Forget it. Ill figure it out.

Im happy to stay on the line.

No, Ill figure it out.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Nah. Have a good night or afternoon, rest of the day. I rip off my headset, hang it on the cubicle divider, and restart my computer for the first time since I can remember. When I reopen Excel fifteen minutes later, the problem is fixed.

Thanks, Cam.

I grab my keys and wallet off my desk while I attach the updated file to a new email and send it off to the rest of the deal team, whoever they are.

I log out before anything else can pop up on my computer. I dont bother retying my shoelaces; I sling my suit jacket over my shoulder and jog down the hallway to the elevators.