Charlie Brooker - Dawn of the Dumb

by Charlie Brooker

(2007)

P olite, pensive, mature, reservedCharlie Brooker is none of these things and less. Rude, unhinged, outrageous, and above all funny, Dawn of the Dumb is essential reading for anyone with a brain and a spinal cord. And hands for turning the pages. Picking up where his hilarious Screen Burn left off, Dawn of the Dumb collects the best of Charlie Brookers recent TV writing, together with uproarious spleen-venting diatribes on a range of non-televisual subjectstackling everything from David Cameron to human hair.

Towards the end of 2004, during the US election, I wrote a review of the televised Presidential debates which got me into a bit of trouble.

[23 October 2004]

H eady times. The US election draws ever nearer, and while the rest of the world bangs its head against the floorboards screaming Please God, not Bush!, the candidates clash head to head in a series of live televised debates. Its a bit like American Idol, but with terrifying global ramifications. Youve got to laugh.

Or have you? Have you seen the debates? I urge you to do so. The exemplary BBC News website hosts unexpurgated streaming footage of all the recent debates, plus clips from previous encounters, through Reagan and Carter, all the way back to Nixon versus JFK.

Watching Bush v. Kerry, two things immediately strike you. First, the opening explanation of the rules makes the whole thing feel like a Radio 4 parlour game. And second, George W. Bush iswell, hesJesus, where do you start?

The internets abuzz with speculation that Bush has been wearing a wire, receiving help from some off-stage lackey. Screen grabs appearing to show a mysterious bulge in the centre of his back are being traded like Top Trumps. Prior to seeing the debate footage, I regarded this with healthy scepticism: the whole wire scandal was just wishful thinking on behalf of some amateur Michael Moores, I figured. And then I watched the footage.

Quite frankly, the mans either wired or mad. If its the former, he should be flung out of office: tarred, feathered and kicked in the nuts. And if its the latter, his behaviour goes beyond strange, and heads toward terrifying. He looks like hes listening to something we cant hear. He blinks, he mumbles, he lets a sentence trail off, starts a new one, then reverts back to whatever he was saying in the first place. Each time he recalls a statistic (either from memory or the voice in his head), he flashes us a dumb little smile, like a toddler proudly showing off its first bowel movement. Forgive me for employing the language of the playground, but the mans a tool.

So I sit there and I watch this and I start scratching my head, because Im trying to work out why Bush is afforded any kind of credence or respect whatsoever in his native country. His performance is so transparently bizarre, so feeble and stumbling, its a miracle he wasnt laughed off the stage. And then I start hunting around the internet, looking to see what the US media made of the whole wire debate. And they just let it die. They mentioned it in passing, called it a wacko conspiracy theory and moved on.

Yet whether it turns out to be true or not, right now its certainly plausibleeven if you discount the bulge photos and simply watch the presidents ridiculous smirking face. Perhaps he isnt wired. Perhaps hes just gone gaga. If you dont ask the questions, youll never know the truth.

The silence is all the more troubling since in the past the US news media has had no problem at all covering other wacko conspiracy theories, ones with far less evidence to support them. (For infuriating confirmation of this, watch the second part of the must-see documentary series The Power of Nightmares (BBC2) and witness the absurd hounding of Bill Clinton over the Whitewater and Vince Foster non-scandals.)

Throughout the debate, John Kerry, for his part, looks and sounds a bit like a haunted tree. But at least hes not a lying, sniggering, drink-driving, selfish, reckless, ignorant, dangerous, backward, drooling, twitching, blinking, mouse-faced little cheat. And besides, in a fight between a tree and a bush, I know who Id favour.

On 2 November, the entire civilised world will be praying, praying Bush loses. And sods law dictates hell probably win, thereby disproving the existence of God once and for all. The world will endure four more years of idiocy, arrogance and unwarranted bloodshed, with no benevolent deity to watch over and save us

Thats not where the column originally ended. No. It ended with a variant on the old Guy Fawkes, where are you now that we need you? graffiti gag. Its an old, albeit tasteless joke thats appeared many times beforeon soldiershelmets during the Vietnam war, and on bumper stickers during the Clinton years, to name but two examples.

Unfortunately, in this case, it also appeared on the globally accessible Guardian website, where the usual context of the Screen Burn columni.e. a TV preview page in an AS ENTERTAINMENT SUPPLEMENTwasnt clear, especially to overseas readers, who could be forgiven for mistaking it for a serious op-ed article. End result: an old joke was interpreted by some as an earnest call for assassination, including the Drudge Report, which ran it as a headline.

This didnt do the Guardians reputation any favoursnor mine, come to that (although in retrospect Im mainly embarrassed I was giving the daft Bush was wired conspiracy some serious consideration). The article was removed and replaced with a (sincere) apology for any offence caused. But, encouraged by a series of right-wing websites, outraged emails flooded in, hundreds of them: some abusive, some baffling, and some downright hair-raising. Heres a random sampling:

We have sent your name to the FBI and Secret Service along with a copy of your wonderful article. Death threats are punishable and I am sure we can extradite you if need be since you are an American.

Bush will go down in history as one of the greatest presidents everwhile your name will be like a drop of water lost in the oceanNOTHING.

I hope you get jail timeI am complaining to your embassies, businesses that advertise with anyone who consorts with you, and our law enforcement over this matter. Concerned American Citizen.

You have been reported to the Secret Service and I have urged that you be placed under arrest upon any entry to our country.

We dont give a flying fuck what you stupid Brits think. There was a reason we kicked your ass in the Revolutionyoure all just a bunch of fucking sissy asses. I cant wait to watch as you and the rest of the European faggots turn into Third World countries that you all aspire to.

May those in your life survive under the curse you wish for others. Let them live long miserable lives. I look forward to reading your obituary on the back page of a paper sooner than laterYou deserve the severest punishment that can be meted out. May the queen be soon rid of scum like you.

Come on over for a nice visit to the US. Let me know where youll be, and Ill come and beat you to death.

Just to let you know I have forwarded your article to the US secret service who take these threats seriously. I can assure you that you will now be on the Homeland Security watch list. You can look forward to being hassled at every airport in the world from now onEnjoy your life.

Die of AIDS, scumbag.

Look, shitface, I suggest you never try to come to the USYou will be under constant surveillance by the Secret Service should our incompetent immigration agents even let you slip in. Stay home and fuck your motherand the horse she rode in on. Dont show your cretinous face here, scumbag. Many of us pack, you know. And the Tony Martin case would not happen here since we are not the decadent country England has become under the Guardianship of crypto-Communists. I cant picture twelve good men and true convicting any American for blowing you away.