Charles McLeod - Settlers of Unassigned Lands

Charles McLeod

University of Michigan Press
Ann Arbor

Copyright 2015 by Charles McLeod
All rights reserved

This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, including illustrations, in any form (beyond that copying permitted by Sections 107 and 108 of the U.S. Copyright Law and except by reviewers for the public press), without written permission from the publisher.

Published in the United States of America by the
University of Michigan Press

Manufactured in the United States of America

2018 2017 2016 2015 4 3 2 1

DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.3998/tfcp.13240728.0001.001

ISBN 978-0-472-11955-4 (hardcover : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-0-472-03620-2 (paper : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-0-472-12103-8 (e-book)

Stories in this collection appeared in the following publications: How to Start Your Own Midwestern Ghost Town in Third Coast and on Joyland; Exit Wounds in ZYZZYVA; Settlers of Unassigned Lands in South Dakota Review; The Ledge in CutBank; Rancho Brava on Web Conjunctions. The author wishes to extend his thanks to these publications and their editors for their permission to publish the stories in this collection.

Thank you to my family; my friends; the University of Virginia MFA Program; the Fine Arts Work Center in Provincetown; Martha Heasley Cox and the Center for Steinbeck Studies at San Jose State University; Jen Hancock; TJ Gerlach; Colorado Mesa University; Aaron McCollough; Matthew Vollmer; and Kelsey Yoder.

First, locate a town in the upper portion of the Central Time Zone. Population circa 1990 should hover around five hundred. Median income should be not enough. Next, make sure industry leaves: the meat plant, the Wheat Growers, the regional K-Mart equivalentall of these must go. Try to space the closings out over a decade or more; the effect you are after is chronic fatigue, as opposed to acute calamity. Make the pace of the obliteration glacial. Think, slow burn. The Midwest is filled with distance and if you are going to start your own ghost town, its important to realize it wont happen overnight. Let the chain stores crunch their numbers. Watch them downsize, have sales, take losses, give up. See local business follow suit: The Hamburger Shack, the Tractor and Auto, the church thrift shop with its copper, polished bell above the door. It will be mandatory, too, to have your towns high school incorporated into anothers; youth are often on the receiving end of mixed messages, but busing them twenty or forty or sixty miles five days a week will make certain they understand it foolish to settle where they were raised, that their town is dying, that even education has left.

Subsidize all the farms. Subsidize everyone. If they own pets, subsidize those. Keep the machines out of the fields. Promote sloth. Give people time to dwell, to ponder, to watch six hours of Court TV each evening, the satellite dish turned skyward like the face of Job. Make sure the governor cuts hospital funds so it takes over an hour for an ambulance to reach you, ensuring if a serious accident does occur you will expire while waiting for help. At seven oclock on a Thursday, come home from work and have your wife hand you divorce papers. Shes gone three towns over for these, the courthouse in your small burg long dissolved, its rooms of law gutted, the flagpoles and desk lamps and stenography machine donated to the failing church thrift shop. Watch your wife leave in her brothers pickup. Open a beer. Open more.

The next day drive to the gas station hungover. Here is where you bought your first candy bar, first cigarettes, first three-pack of lubricated condoms. Stare at the man dismantling the pumps. Stare at the gas station across the street, closed now for over a year, the windows boarded, tumbleweedsreal tumbleweedswedged behind the empty pop machine. Get out of your truck. Throw up.

Arrive to your clerking job at the courthouse three towns over, where your wife obtained her divorce papers yesterday. Sit on your chair behind bulletproof glass, listening to people who cant pay their court fees tell you why they cant pay their court fees. Let them ramble. Suggest a payment plan. Never smile; it will be taken as a symbol of aggression. Elderly women may claw at the window if you do this. High school football stars, now middle-aged drunks, may head butt the glass you sit behind then try the electronically locked door to your left (their right). Stay calm. Listen to the door rattle. Call security. Go to lunch.

Watch your friends come in, your neighbors. Talk about caulking the bathtub or grouting kitchen tile, talk about anything more pleasant than the task at hand. See them slide their papers over the recessed iron receptacle. Pretend to not notice their fingers shaking. Look elsewhere while they count out bags of change. Block out phrases like tax liens and loan payments and farm repossession. When they ask you if you can hold off on running the check until the end of the week, tell them that youll see what you can do. What you can do is exactly nothing. Depress your PAYMENT RECEIVED stamp against its red felt blotter. Consider that humanity is drowning in its own bureaucracy, that it creates more problems than it solves. Use your stamp on all three copies. Forget the last place to get gasoline in your town has closed forever. Make it home on fumes.

Saturday afternoon attend the Veterans Parade. See the men who served ride grim-faced in the back seats of near mint, old model convertibles, their hands raised gamely to the crowd. Wonder who can afford to keep these cars, and for how much longer. Scald your tongue on coffee from your thermos. Ogle the teenage baton twirler at the motorcades head. Think about the boy shell meet at college, her future home in a suburb of Chicago or Milwaukee. Realize this is what she has been thinking about every night for the past two years, her ACT now taken, her applications in the mail, the processing fees exhausting the tip money from her summer work at the Tastee-Freez, the same one your wife punched in at so long ago. Realize that come spring this girl will check the mailbox daily, praying, really praying, that God might grant her leave from a township now surviving on teen pregnancy and checks from the Feds. See her toss and catch, toss and catch. Enjoy the high cut of her sequined leotard. Remember the state census is due out in a weeks time. Watch the brightly colored parade balloons float up, and away.

At home, decide to go birding. This will involve emptying half of your thermos of the coffee you took to the parade and replacing it with Kentucky grain alcohol. It is important also to bring binoculars, not so much for viewing the birds as to justify, should someone happen upon you, why you might be seated in the patch of woods by the sewage treatment plant, shit-canned and mumbling to yourself. Regard the plumage of a blue jay as you zip through your toddy. Stagger upright and urinate on an elm. For as long as you can linger in the small glen, because now there is nothing waiting at home for you but leftovers and nighttime television and then Sunday morning, when it feels simply cruel to find yourself alone.

Around midnight, call your wife at her brothers house. Plead epiphany. Beg for another chance. Admit you made a big mistake but that it was not done with conscious irresponsibility, that it was a situation that was unforeseeable, that by the time you knew what was happening, the outcome could not be changed. Past your wifes angry breathing hear the Union Pacific blow its whistle as it passes through on the tracks. Remember the Cabelas gift card you got for your brother-in-law last Christmas. Consider the make of the rifle hed chosen. Hang up. Lock the doors. Pass out.