Vicki Bradley - Before I Say I Do

For Sylvia and Charles Richard Bradley.

Mum and Dad, thank you for encouraging us to
question the universe and to follow our dreams.

Together at last and on your final big adventure.

Chapter 1

Julia Talbot

Sunday

My hands were shaking. I was terrified, but also elated by the promise of a new future: like waiting to be called for a job interview, but much, much more intense.

Outside, the summer sun was trying to push through the white clouds, and I willed it on, as if the light would bring me luck. The hotel grounds looked peaceful, not a single person around, but the surroundings did nothing to calm my nerves.

My palms were sweaty. Panic was building up in my stomach and rising to my chest. I took a long breath in, held it, and then I let it go. It was what my therapist had taught me to do.

Not long to go, Lucy said. She looked beautiful in her bridesmaids dress. Id asked her to make sure everything ran smoothly, and the pressure was showing. She was like a coiled spring ready to explode. She wanted everything to be perfect for me. It wasnt helping my rising anxiety.

Were both ready, I said.

Lucy nodded and then fussed with a loose strand of my hair, which had come free from my chignon and framed my face. She kept trying to tuck it back in, but it wouldnt stay. She knew my fine hair was unmanageable, but today she was refusing to give up.

Its okay. I moved away from her.

Sorry. She clasped her hands together. I wasnt sure who was more apprehensive: her or me.

I surveyed myself in the hotel mirror, checking every last detail, and smiled. My long blonde hair was staying up, a few delicate white pearls sprinkled throughout. My white dress fit perfectly, cascading around my feet. Lucy was reflected behind me in the glass, her brow creased with the strain of concentrating as she checked every detail too.

I smiled at her and made tiny adjustments to my flowers and dress. I took my time. I touched up the pink gloss on my lips; the colour made them fuller. This was my moment of transformation. No one was going to hurry me. I needed to get this right. Everybody would be watching me, including Marks family. I had to be perfect.

How do I look? I grinned at her.

Lucys brow creased and her lip wobbled.

Come on. I gave her a quick hug. We promised each other we wouldnt cry. She was meant to be supporting me, but here I was having to carry her, on today of all days.

Im sorry. She dabbed at her eyes, trying not to smudge her mascara. You look incredible.

She composed herself and then wrapped her arms tightly around me, her auburn curls brushing against my cheek. I untangled myself and held her at arms length.

I couldnt help but smile. Her curled auburn hair tumbled around her shoulders and her peppermint bridesmaids dress made her green eyes glow.

You look beautiful, I said. It wont be long until its your turn.

Its only been six months, Lucy said, but a huge grin appeared at the mention of her boyfriend, James. I was glad to see her so happy. Shed had more than her fair share of pain over the years. Sorry he couldnt come today, she said. He really did try, but he couldnt get out of the Dubai work trip.

Dont worry, I said. Youre here and thats what matters. I gave her a twirl and she let out a little sob. Part of me suspected that her tears werent all joyful. Shed never been sure about Mark and had been very vocal about it at the beginning. When she realized that I wouldnt give him up, shed toed the line, but her concerns had always left me with a niggle of self-doubt. Shed known me my whole life; knew me better than anyone. I had found myself asking the same question over and over again. Was I making the right choice? But then Marks lopsided grin would come into my mind and I told myself Id never find anyone like him again. The day Id met him I knew we were going to be married and live happily together, always.

Come on, Miss Time-Keeper. I tapped my wrist as if I was wearing a watch. Dont we need to get going?

Lucy moved away. Sorry. Yes. Theyll be here soon. She wiped under her eyes with tissue and touched up her foundation before picking up her bouquet; it matched my larger bunch of peach and yellow roses.

I turned towards the door. As if on cue, there was a knock. A middle-aged man in a black suit marched into the room. He looked every inch the police detective, with his composed presence and the way he took control of the space. It made my heart stop.

Miss Talbot, my name is Henry. He thrust his hand towards me and I stared at it blankly. Im going to be your registrar for today. His hand hovered in the air uselessly and he tilted his head at me, a look of concern on his face.

Of course, thank you. I grabbed his hand gratefully, but shook it too fast in my relief. I caught a glimpse of my reflection glaring back at me from the large mirrors on the walls. I was frowning, and my shoulders were tense. I tried to relax. I was being ridiculous. Of course he wasnt from the police.

First off, I need to check that you are Miss Julia Talbot, the registrar said.

I am. I smiled at him.

And have you ever been known by any other name?

No. My skin prickled as I told the lie. Lucys face didnt change but she gave a slight nod of approval. I could always rely on her.

Its nothing to worry about, the registrar said chirpily. Just part of the legal process. One always has to satisfy the law. I suspected that hed never been on the wrong side of it.

Im sorry. I tried to relax. Im all over the place today.

Ive yet to meet a bride who hasnt suffered with nerves. He patted my arm kindly, like a father would, and I felt pain needle sharp in my heart.

Will anyone be walking you down the aisle?

No. Ill be walking down the aisle by myself. My dads face came into my mind, the last time Id seen him. He was cradling his head in his hands, his whole body shaking with sobs.

Right... The registrar was flustered by my answer. And youve got one bridesmaid here.

Yes, thats me. Lucy nodded at him. With Lucy stood beside me, I could do this.

And who is your witness for the signing of the register? he asked.

Witness? I looked at Lucy.

When you and Mark sign the register, youll have two witnesses, the registrar said. I believe Mark has chosen his mother.

I thought his mother and father were going to be the witnesses? I said. They both wanted to be involved in the ceremony.

Sorry, tradition dictates one witness should be from the brides side. The registrar shook his head at me and smiled. And Im a stickler for tradition. What about your friend here?

Oh. Yes, Lucy. There was only Lucy left on my side to be my witness.

Or maybe a sibling, to get them a bit involved? He clasped his hands together, waiting.

My chest felt tight and a sudden wave of dizziness hit me. I heard Rachels childish laughter pealing through the trees, saw sunlight filtering through the woods.

I had to sit down or Id fall. Lucy grabbed my arm. She guided me to the plush sofa in the middle of the room. My legs buckled under me and I collapsed onto it.

Are you all right? The registrar rushed forward; his already wrinkled brow was furrowed deep. He seemed at a loss as to what to do.

Shes fine. Lucy bent over me, peering into my face. She turned to him. I can be the witness.

Do you need some water or something? He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, not sure where to go.

Great idea. Lucy rushed to the table where a jug of water stood and poured me a glass.

Im all right, I said. A little hot, thats all. This dress is too tight.

I have to ask... The registrar leaned closer towards me. Is anyone forcing you to get married?