Twain Mark - The wit & wisdom of Mark Twain

Some of Mark Twains works were not published until after his death in 1910; some have not yet been published. The quotations referenced in this book are generally dated by the year of first known publication; those dated after 1910 are posthumous. However, quotations from Mark Twains notebooks are dated by the year of writing and quotations from Mark Twains speeches are dated by the year of delivery. Chapter numbers rather than page numbers are cited in many instances because there are numerous editions of Mark Twains works in print; page numbers vary from edition to edition, whereas chapter numbers remain the same. Page numbers are cited when alternative sources may be difficult or impossible to find.

ADAM

It all began with Adam. He was the first man to tell a jokeor a lie. How lucky Adam was, Mark Twain wrote enviously in his notebook in 1867. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.

Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant.

Adam was but humanthis explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apples sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Puddnhead Wilson , 1894, ch. 2

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had taken out an international copyright on it.

Notebook, 1877

What I cannot help wishing is that Adam and Eve had been postponed, and Martin Luther and Joan of Arc put in their placethat splendid pair equipped with temperaments not made of butter, but of asbestos. By neither sugary persuasions nor by hell fire could Satan have beguiled them to eat the apple.

The Turning Point of My Life,
essay, 1910

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Puddnhead Wilson , 1894, ch. 4

Adam and Eve entered the world naked and unashamednaked and pure-minded; and no descendant of theirs has ever entered it otherwise. All have entered it naked, unashamed, and clean in mind. They have entered it modest. They had to acquire immodesty and the soiled mind; there was no other way to get it.

Satan, in DeVoto, Letters from the
Earth , 1962, Letter 3

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.

Adam, in Adams Diary, story,
1893

Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.

Adam at Eves grave, in Adams
Diary, story, 1893

ADJECTIVE

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

Puddnhead Wilson , 1894, ch. 11

ADULTERY

Thou shalt not commit adultery is a command which makes no distinction between the following persons. They are all required to obey it: children at birth. Children in the cradle. School children. Youths and maidens. Fresh adults. Older ones. Men and women of 40. Of 50. Of 60. Of 70. Of 80. Of 90. Of 100. The command does not distribute its burden equally, and cannot. It is not hard upon the three sets of children.

Satan, in DeVoto, Letters from the
Earth , 1962, Letter 8

By temperament, which is the real law of God, many men are goats and cant help committing adultery when they get a chance; whereas there are numbers of men who, by temperament, can keep their purity and let an opportunity go by if the woman lacks in attractiveness.

Satan, in DeVoto, Letters from the
Earth , 1962, Letter 8

ADVERSITY

By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another mans, I mean.

Following the Equator , 1897, vol. 2, ch. 3

ADVERTISEMENTS BY MARK TWAIN

Mark Twain first came to fame as a lecturer in San Francisco in 1866. One reason he attracted such huge crowds was that he wrote all his own advertisements. These ads were unlike anything the public had ever seen before. Twain hit upon the novel idea of luring people in with large bold promises and then surprising them with what was written in small print. Mark Twain was in fact the originator of this modern sales technique.

A GRAND TORCHLIGHT PROCESSION, announced the poster for Twains first lecture, in giant, glaring letters that could be read from across the street; then followed in small print, may be expected; in fact, the public are privileged to expect whatever they please.

Here are some other advertisements of Mark Twains:

M AGNIFICENT F IREWORKS

were in contemplation for this occasion,

but the idea has been abandoned.

Handbill for Twains first lecture,
San Francisco, October 2, 1866

T HE C ELEBRATED B EARDED W OMAN !

Is not with this Circus;

T HE W ONDERFUL C OW W ITH S IX L EGS !

Is not attached to this Menagerie;

T HE I RISH G IANT ! W HO S TANDS

9 F EET 6 I NCHES

will not be present and need not be expected.

Handbill, 1870

The wisdom will begin to flow at 8.

The trouble will begin at 8.

The Orgies will commence at 8.

Lines from Twain posters, 1870s

I MPROMPTU F AREWELL A DDRESS ,

gotten up last week, especially for this occasion.

Poster, San Francisco, December 1866

ADVERTISING

During his days as a journalist, the young Mark Twain once edited a small newspaper in Missouri. A subscriber wrote in, saying that he had found a spider in his paper and asked whether this was a sign of good or bad luck. Twain answered:

Dear Subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

A Connecticut Yankee , 1889, ch. 22

He goes by the brand, yet imagines he goes by the flavor.

Concerning Tobacco, essay, 1917

LADIES AND CHILDREN NOT ADMITTED .

There, says he, if that line dont fetch them, I dont know Arkansaw!

Huckleberry Finn , 1884, ch. 22

ADVICE

It is better to give than receiveespecially advice. Mark Twain was always willing to donate free advice to the needy and the unsuspecting. Its noble to be good, he said, and its nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.

A lifetime of wisdom was summed up in Mark Twains last public address, at the commencement of St. Timothys School for Girls in Catonsville, Maryland, on June 9, 1909. There are three things which I consider excellent advice, Twain told the girls in his familiar slow drawl, punctuated as always by long pauses. First, dont smoketo excess. Second, dont drinkto excess. Third, dont marryto excess.

Its better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Attributed to Mark Twain and to
Abraham Lincoln

When in doubt tell the truth.

Following the Equator , 1897, vol. 1, ch. 2

Tell the truth or trumpbut get the trick.

Puddnhead Wilson , 1894, ch. 1

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, dont tell them where they know the fish.

Notebook, 1902

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Card sent to Young Peoples
Society, Greenpoint Presbyterian
Church, Brooklyn, 1901

Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Notebook, 1902

We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.

A Double-Barreled Detective
Story, story, 1902

Always obey your parents, when they are present.