Colonna - Has Anyone Seen My Pants?

GALLERY BOOKS

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Copyright 2015 by Sarah Colonna

Photos courtesy of Sarah Tilley and Jeff Wild.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Gallery Books trade paperback edition March 2015

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Interior design by Jaime Putorti

Cover design by John Vairo Jr.

Cover photography by Blake Little

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Colonna, Sarah, 1974
Has anyone seen my pants? / Sarah Colonna.
pages cm
1. Colonna, Sarah, 1974 2. Women comediansUnited StatesBiography.

3. Television actors and actressesUnited StatesBiography. 4. Television comedy writersUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.
PN2287.C5745A3 2015
818'.602dc23
2014039354

ISBN 978-1-4767-7192-2

ISBN 978-1-4767-7193-9 (ebook)

To Jon. Thank you for changing how it ends...

Im a train wreck, Im a mess

But Im gonna take you dancing

Put on your party dress

RHETT MILLER, OLD 97S

Prologue

I ts midnight and Im under a pile of covers, writing this from my bed with a pillow propping up my laptop. I have the heat cranked up to seventy-five degrees because its currently winter in Southern California, which means its about fifty degrees outside, a temperature I now consider freezing. I grew up in a state that has real winters, but my seventeen years in California have weakened me to the elements and I am not ashamed of it. Its called adapting, assholes.

Im single, which is probably pretty obvious from the above description. If I were married or in a serious adult relationship, someone would share this bed with me and my late-night typing and cranked-up heater would no doubt be an issue. Also, I have hardwood floors and often hear noises at night. I used to think the noises were just my cat walking around upstairs, but now that hes dead, Ive ruled him out. The condo I live in is wonderful but older, so maybe that line my mom used to feed me when I was younger and too terrified to sleep about how our house was settling was true all along and thats whats going on here. At least thats what I tell myself when Im trying to get back to sleep and am out of temazepam. Ive already gone upstairs to check for burglars and ghosts. Yes , Ive seen horror movies and I know everyone says you should just stay downstairs, but why lie here and wait to be killed when I can go upstairs with my signed Mark Trumbo baseball bat and get killed a little faster?

Im not complaining about living alone. Ive resided here by myself for a few years now, after an attempt at living with a boyfriend ended in... well, my living alone. And before that I lived roommate-free for seven years. So, aside from the lack of sleep because I hear my dead cats footsteps on the wooden staircase in the middle of the night, I really enjoy being the solo master of the house (well, condo).

Im a big fan of alone time, Im a big fan of silence, and Im a big fan of getting to do whatever I wantand of knowing nobody is putting my expensive underwear in the fucking dryer. That said, I think my joy in being alone might be a little bit of a problem; Im not sure how the hell Im ever going to manage to share my space with anyone ever again.

But all of that doesnt mean I dont want to have a real relationship or even get married someday. Yes, Id like to get married someday. Most of the women I grew up with back in Arkansas would scoff at this, thinking Im an old maid now and that ship has sailed. To that I say: Suck it. I chose a different path and I didnt judge you for getting married at sixteen. But if I hear you talk shit about me, all bets are off.

It was pretty easy to find a boyfriend or a date when my source of income was bartending. And it was really easy to find a one-night stand... I mean, after all, I was the bartender ; I had all the power and all the booze.

But now Im in my late thirties and have a real(ish) job, and that seems to be working against me; at least, this is what I assume... I mean, I cant imagine that nobody on earth is interested in me at all. Right? Hello?

Ive definitely gotten a little better looking with age. A crazy English woman I worked with when I was twenty-four told me that this would happen because Im a Capricorn, and she claimed that Capricorns are known to get better looking with age. So maybe she turned out to be right (heycrazy people can be right sometimes, too). Or , maybe Ive wised up since my early twenties, when I thought Slim Jims and Dr Pepper were nutritionally solid breakfast choices. Now I even eat kale sometimes and Ive liked it one out of three of those times. How do you like me now, Arkansas?

I mean, I had boyfriends left and right in my twenties and at that point I had an unfortunate haircut, a terrible sense of fashion, and had never even considered getting a bikini wax. You wanna put hot wax WHERE ? I dont think so, big German lady.

But now I have pretty amazing hair. (Its okay to love your own hair. Its not like I made it myself or anything; Im just grateful to my mother and father for having a sperm-egg mixture that created this glorious mane.) I dress decently for someone with very little sense of style and my bikini area is properly maintained at all times, even in the winter. You need me, naked from the waist down, to pull my knees into my chest so you can get back there? No problem, petite Asian lady. (I like to think of it as a form of yoga: Scared Naked Baby Pose.)

The fact that a man would be bothered by dating someone who is doing pretty well for herself doesnt make a ton of sense to me; most of my male friends joke that they would love to have a woman who paid for everything while they just planned golf outings. But I dont think thats exactly what Im looking for, or I guess Id be dating one of my male friends.

So what am I looking for? Thats the million-dollar question. What I do know, is that most of all, Im looking for someone who loves to order appetizers. Anyone who doesnt is a terrorist.

It isnt easy to find balance in life. You finally get one thing nailed down and another thing falls off the wall because the nail wasnt strong enough to keep it up there. Or maybe the nail was strong enough but got tired of holding the other piece up and didnt want to have to do all the work anymore. NOT THAT IVE EVER FELT THAT WAY OR ANYTHING.

When most aspects of your life are functioning pretty well as they are, does it mean that the one missing aspect, be it work, family, or a significant other, can never be fulfilled? Or do I just need a hobby or something? Sheesh, apparently all this alone time makes me ponder lifes bigger mysteries.

Oops, be right back, I just heard something moving around upstairs...

Recycle, Reduce, Reuse

A t age thirty-five, I became single after a five-year relationship that included a failed attempt at living with a man romantically for the first time in my life.