Collins Ashley Wren - Produce Your Own Damn Movie!

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Book:
Produce Your Own Damn Movie!
Author:
Collins Ashley Wren / Kaufman Lloyd
Publisher:
Elsevier Science;Focal Press
Genre:
Books / Detective and thriller
Year:
2013;2009
City:
New York
Rating:
3 / 5
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Ch. 1. Producing models and car models or Producing Americas next top Tromodel -- ch. 2. How I got a Rabbi to hate Jews or How I let Oliver Stone beat the crap out of me to hone his producer skills -- ch. 3. Film school or porno? Taint no difference or My dinner with Louis Su -- ch. 4. Producing movies inevitably gets you stoned (and is really, really hard) or A union dose of some Shirley Jackson optimism goes a long way -- ch. 5. Is there a business plan? Is IMDB ass? or Secrets of financing and producing from the pickled brain of an elaborate non-pyramid schemer -- ch. 6. Pre-sell your flick in a game of five-card stud or Go for a straight flush -- ch. 7. Fuck me Jesus on a pogo stick! Where am I going to produce my own damn movie? or The secrets of location vocation -- ch. 8. How to do it Hollywood style or I am the herpes of the film industry : I wont go away -- ch. 9. Face the music : post-production and distribution or Pump up your production to a higher level.

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30 Corporate Drive, Suite 400, Burlington, MA 01803, USA

Linacre House, Jordan Hill, Oxford OX2 8DP, UK

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Permissions may be sought directly from Elseviers Science & Technology Rights Department in Oxford, UK: phone: (+44) 1865 843830, fax: (+44) 1865 853333, E-mail: ), by selecting Support & Contact then Copyright and Permissions and then Obtaining Permissions.

Recognizing the importance of preserving what has been written, Elsevier prints its books on acid-free paper whenever possible.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kaufman, Lloyd, 1945-

Produce your own damn movie! / Lloyd Kaufman with Ashley Wren Collins.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 978-0-240-81045-4 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Motion picturesProduction and direction. 2. Low budget films. I. Collins, Ashley Wren. II. Title.

PN1995.9.P7K386 2009 791.430232dc22

2009024692

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-0-240-81045-4

For information on all Focal Press publications visit our website at www.books.elsevier.com

09 10 11 12 13 5 4 3 2 1

Printed in the United States of America

Dedication

This Book is lovingly dedicated to my beautiful wife, Pat Swinney Kaufman. She has produced my own damn life for the past 35 years.

Acknowledgments

Ashley Wren Collins, I apologize for driving you insane.

Sara Antill will not want to admit this, but she made a valuable writing contribution to this book. Thank you, Sara.

Michael Herz and Maris Herz, thanks for producing the warm and gentle environment that is Troma.

Jerome Rudes, who directed me toward writing my own damn book.

Elinor Actipis	Matt Hoffman
Michele Cronin	Nathan Shafer
Amanda Guest	Allan Carroll
Pat Swinney Kaufman	Jean Prewitt
Charles Kaufman	Ben Cord
Susan Kaufman	Marianne Williamson
Lily Hayes Kaufman	David Chien
Lisbeth Kaufman	Marcus Lesser
Sigrun Kaufman	Megan Silver
Charlotte Kaufman	Cathy and Ron Mackay
Roger Kirby	Richard Saperstein
Matt Lawrence	Tyra Banks
Scott Langer	Amy Adams
Eckhart Tolle	Emily Blunt
Annie Cron	Faith Preston
Erin Sparks	The Manhole Club
Evan Husney	John Rieber
Matt Manjourides	Jean Cheever
Maria Friedmanovich	Tom Polum
Travis Campbell	Oprah Winfrey
Robert Frost	David Bryan
Joe DiPietro	Matt Stone
John Rando	Brian Yuzna
Gabe Friedman	Barack Obama
Giuseppe Andrews	Kathy Morgan
Avi Lerner	Debbie Rochon
Mark Harris	Nina Paley
Dr. Phil	Billy Baxter
Steven Paul	James Gunn
Joe Dante	Mark Neveldine
Mick Garris	Brian Taylor
Reed Morano	Jay Duplass
Ernest Dickerson	Mark Duplass
Roger Corman	Brad Krevoy
Trent Haaga	Robby Benson
Stan Lee	Larry Cohen
Terry Jones	Joe Lynch
Danny Draven	Dennis Dreith
Tamar Simon Hoffs	Daniel Archambeault-May
Paul Hertzberg	Herschell Gordon Lewis
Buddy Giovinazzo	Mark Damon
Trey Parker	Jack Gerbus

And Id like to direct a special thanks to the Exit 47 sign on Route 95, which has produced some valuable and practical direction throughout the years.

Introduction: Charlie Kaufman Is My Doppelgnger or Why I Want to Blow My Fucking Brains Out

Everything I touch is fucked. No, seriously. I could take a piece of gold and, with enough effort and influence, turn it into a shiny pile of bona fide chicken shit. I have been aware of this sad fact for over 40 years, yet for some reason I continue to touch stuff and fuck it up. This is the curse of Lloyd Kaufman. Let me give you an example of why I want to blow my fucking brains out.

A few short weeks ago, I rearranged my schedule to attend Spains prestigious Sitges International Film Festival. I love Sitges, and was especially inclined to go because they were presenting me with a lifetime achievement award. My trip to Rio was abandoned and my appearance on Conan OBrienI was determined to get that award. Seventeen hours after leaving New York City, I sat in a darkened room with 2,000 other Sitges attendees and listened closely as an old man, speaking in broken, somewhat unintelligible English, went on and on about the genius of Tromeo & Juliet and Tromas latest masterpiece, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. My heart swelled with pride as 2,000 people applauded me and the little company that Michael Herz and I started in a Hells Kitchen broom closet in 1974. It was truly a beautiful moment. Before the award was presented, the auditorium lights dimmed and a hush fell over the crowd as they prepared to watch a short video of my career highlights.

1From what I hear, Conan OBrien was so upset about the cancellation that he stormed off the Late Night set and had to be replaced by Jimmy Fallon.

And then, as 2,000 pairs of eyes gleamed, transfixed by the images flashing before them, the career highlights of another KaufmanCharlie Kaufman, to be exactstarted rolling in sequence on the big screen. As Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind played before my eyes, my pride-swollen heart dropped into my groin. Welcome to the Kaufman Curse. The good news is, for the remainder of the weekend, most of those 2,000 people thought that I was, in fact, Charlie Kaufman, so at least I got a few job offers out of the whole ordeal. But thats not the point.

The point is, as much as I consider myself a director, I am also a producer. And in this case, I hadnt produced. Being the pessimist and control-freak that I am, I had considered sending my own reel of career highlights to the festival coordinators, but, in the end, had decided to be hands-off. The end result was five minutes of Adaptation and a trailer for Synecdoche, New York. But hey, Im not complaining. Considering that 2,000 people had gathered to honor me with an award, Im just lucky an asteroid didnt aim itself for Spain and choose that moment to strike.

But dont get me wrong. Being a lazy producer isnt always a bad thing. Just look at the George Street Playhouses recent production of the world premiere of The Toxic Avenger Musical. I am listed as Based on Lloyd Kaufmans

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