Deutsch - Sh*t Falls Up

Copyright 2013 by David Deutsch

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rightsunder copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may bereproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, ortransmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical,photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior writtenpermission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher ofthis book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places,brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author'simagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges thetrademarked status and trademark owners of various productsreferenced in this work of fiction, which have been used withoutpermission. The publication/use of these trademarks is notauthorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademarkowners.

Dedication

For my kids.

Always follow your dreams.

Table of Contents

PART I: Before

PART II: Five Years Later

PART III: Decisions

For the past three weeks my life has gone on hiatus.For some reason, I have stopped and the world has continued tospin. I guess the situation I have found myself in is quiteprevalent today, or so I continue to tell myself. You see, I am aproduct of society. Sure, you can tell me I am just a white,upper-class, 30-something Generation Xer crying out about my, ohso unfortunate lifestyle, but I choose to look at it in adifferent light. I represent a new era in the world of former,grungy Generation Xer's. I am a young, downwardly mobile man on themove. I just lost my job, my girlfriend, and my apartment. Whatthey failed to mention in the brochure of life is that I would bethirty, balding, and homeless. Is there still time to get arefund?

I have, after all, been becoming a bit neurotic. Youwould be, too, if you saw your life slipping away from you. The sadpart about my life is that I am not even on sedatives; I couldntsedate myself if I wanted to since I basically am out of money. Toadd insult to injury, my girlfriend just left me because we couldnot fit together on the twin-size, blow-up, air mattress where I amnow forced to sleep. The guy from whom I subletted my apartmentselfishly decided that he didnt like his wife anymore and wastherefore moving back to New York. Thanks, Bitch.

I now have the distinct pleasure to wake up everymorning on the floor looking up at my younger sister sleeping inher bed. She wakes up to go to work while I have to turn over andinhale dust bunnies.

Someone kill me.

Because of my present circumstances, I am rapidlydeveloping a case of the creeps. You might also get the creeps ifyou were spending every minute with your sister in a studioapartment. There is no privacy in one of these things. I think Imay have caught a glimpse or two of some things I have never wantedto see. I may puke.

I can tell you this, I wish I was stoned.Unfortunately, I have to remain clean and sober, just in case I geta job. You never know if they drug test. So I have gone without theaid of nature to enhance my life, which means I cant blame myparanoia on drugs. I am probably the first person to blame my lackof work on myself, but dont whip out the tiny violin yet. I thinkthere is a plot against me, I just havent figured out whom toblame it on yet. That is why I am obsessed with the evening news,hoping they will be able to inform me who my scapegoat of the weekshould be. Give me some credit here folks, at least Im up oncurrent events.

There are some very large misconceptions about Hellas we know it. Some people think that Hell is this terrible placein the afterlife where the Devil resides while exerting hisfiendish control over his evil dominion filled with people who havedone appalling things during their time on earth. Some claim thatthe heat is unbearable, while others are terrified by the horribleacts of cruelty and torture that await them as repentance for theirsins. All of these hypotheses may be true, but my problem withthese theories is the fact that Hell does not exist in theafterlife. It exists here on earth.

Ive seen Hell. In fact, Ive been to Hell. Hell mostcertainly does reside right here in the living world. Hell ishearing, Did you clean your room? when you are twenty-five yearsold. Hell is hearing, on a daily basis, Did you find a job yet?while you are confined to the room where you grew up, with musicposters from 1986 pasted all over your wall. In short, Hell ismoving back in with your parents.

It doesnt seem like Hell at first glance. In fact,it even seems like a great idea. Free rent, your old room back, anda chance to reconnect with the rents. Sounds like a virtualparadise, but what you soon discover is a living, breathing,functioning ecosystem filled with all the classic torture and evilsomehow confined to a 3,000 square-foot space located in thesuburbs.

I was back in my old room, all right. The musicposters were still barely covering the seafoam green walls, and theaquamarine carpet was still making me seasick. The difference thisgo-around was the fact that all the washed-up pop stars on my wallswere mocking me.

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in,some pop star with a fucked up 80s haircut sneered.

Shut up, I said, sitting on my crappy twinmattress.

The last thing I needed to hear right now was someposter of a singing pretty boy making me feel like shit because Ihad to move back into my old room at my parents house after I hadjust spent $90,000 on law school.

I was trying to piece it all together. What the fuckhappened? My sister (who was living with me at my parents) didntweigh in on the issue yet because she was too busy looking for aman through various online dating services. My Dad had just boughta computer and had actually installed an Internet connection -shocking - welcome to the future! However, she was gettingannoyed.

I wish this thing would sort these people byreligion. I mean, Im looking for a Jewish guy and I have to keepflicking around until I find one. Meanwhile, I keep finding allthese attractive, Italian guys.

Well, why dont you go out with one? I asked.

Are you kidding? And what, celebrate Christmas?Whatever!

It was nice that she was so open-minded. Im sureshell find someone soon.

I was glad that Michelle was living at home with mebecause somehow it justified the whole experience. I couldnt bethat big of a loser if my sister was sharing the same house withme. After all, she had graduated college and now she was rightacross the upstairs hall from me. But there was a huge differencebetween my life and my sisters: she was working.

Every morning, I would awaken to a cacophony, as Itried to remain asleep with springs piercing my skin in my brokentwin bed. At 0527, with military-like precision, the alarm clock inmy parents room would trumpet. My father would hit the snoozebutton and instantly fall back asleep. But I was now up, listeningto him snore. Was this man part elephant? How in Gods name thesound of the snore could reach my room from the other side of thesecond floor and through two, closed doors was beyond me. By 0530the alarm in the room right across from mine would go off. I couldhear my sister hit the snooze button and make some weirdchoking/snorting noise, then silence. At 0532 my parents alarmwould go off again and I would hear my mom shriek, Richard, willyou get up already? I dont want to hear that goddamn alarmagain.

My confused father would answer, What, yeah, okay,and then with lightning speed race into his bathroom to startshaving. In his world, people shave every day. Ive known the manfor 25 years and I have never seen him once walk around withstubble.

At 0535 Michelles alarm would go off again and thiswould rouse her from slumber. By 0540 two showers are runningsimultaneously, cleansing the occupants. At 0550 both subjects arein the dressing phase, each putting on the proper attire for Mr.Boss. At 0615 - on the dot Dad and Michelle are out the door ontheir way to New York City to start their work day.