Griffin - Fucking apostrophes: a guide to show you where you can stick them

Fucking Apostrophes. The title says it all. Despite what some might claim, the rules about how to use them are complicated, and have evolved haphazardly. This is a light-hearted guide to getting the fucking things right.

Simon Griffin lets off steam so that we dont have to, thoughtfully explaining the difference between omission (Kims balancing a champagne glass on her backside) and possession (Kims backside may have been photoshopped), as well as the murky world of attributive nouns (Walters teachers manual said nothing about cooking meth).

This is the perfect gift for any pedant, as well as an indispensable guide in all our moments of grammar-related frustration.

At last, a book that tells you exactly where to stick your apostrophe funny and useful, the perfect stocking filler.

David Marsh, The Guardian

Although every precaution has been taken to verify the accuracy of the information regarding fucking apostrophes, the author and publisher assume no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for damages that may result from the use of information contained within.

FUCKING APOSTROPHES

FUCKING APOSTROPHES

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A guide to show you where you can stick them

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by

SIMON GRIFFIN

This edition published in the UK in 2016 by Icon Books Ltd,

Omnibus Business Centre,

3941 North Road, London N7 9DP

email:

www.iconbooks.com

First published in 2015 by Hyperbolic

Sold in the UK, Europe and Asia by Faber & Faber Ltd,

Bloomsbury House,

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London WC1B 3DA or their agents

Distributed in the UK,

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ISBN: 978-178578-141-4

Text copyright 2015, 2016 Simon Griffin

The author has asserted his moral rights

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher

Typeset in ITC Century with Cheltenham Display by Marie Doherty Printed in Europe by Latitude Press

DESIGN BY MUSIC

WWW.MUSIC.AGENCY

@MUSICAGENCYUK

WORDS BY SIMON GRIFFIN

WWW.THISISHYPERBOLIC.COM

@THISISHYPERBOLIC

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is probably coincidental.

INTRODUCTION

Fucking Apostrophes

The first thing you need to know about fucking apostrophes is this:

Despite what everyone might say, theyre really not that simple.

The basic rules of fucking apostrophes are, as youd expect, quite basic, but as the English language has evolved, so the use of fucking apostrophes has become more and more complex. Things like personal possessive pronouns, plural compound nouns, joint possessive inflections, indefinite pronouns, irregular nouns and false possessives might make sense to a grammarian, but for most of us who havent looked at that stuff since we zipped up our pencil cases, its a tad confusing.

The single most important rule of any punctuation is to help the reader understand what it is youre trying to say, and if youre confusing your weres with your weres, its going to get everyone in a muddle. And make you look like a nana.

The fact is that the rules for using fucking apostrophes have changed massively over time, and different people have adopted different versions. Just look at Kings Cross, which is written both with and without a fucking apostrophe; or Waterstones, which dropped its fucking apostrophe; or HearSay, who used a fucking apostrophe to make them look groovy.

Style guides across the world give wildly contrasting advice about when its acceptable to use a fucking apostrophe and when its not. Thus, the second thing you should know about fucking apostrophes is this:

People will argue strongly (sometimes even violently) that they are right about fucking apostrophes, even when they are wrong.

I know now, even as I write these words, that there will be numerous people up and down the country who will read certain passages, suck their teeth and make a note to start trolling me on Twitter. So to you Sir, Madam, I apologise. The aim of this book is purely to help people learn the core rules of using fucking apostrophes, and offer an educated opinion on the rest.

Footnote

But as Michael Rosen once said: Those who state that a) there are rules, and b) they should stay the same way, dont have history on their side.

A Quick History of Fucking Apostrophes

Most people generally agree that fucking apostrophes come from the Greek h apstrophos, meaning a turning away or an elision (the omission of a sound or syllable when speaking). Geoffroy Tory is considered one of the people responsible for introducing it to the French language in the 15th century, but sadly for us Geoffroy was not a linguist but a printer. So while his contribution to the world of print has proved invaluable, his contribution to the world of language is a little more debatable.

Soon the English jumped on the fucking apostrophe bandwagon and opened up a whole new can of worms, with usage changing back and forth over the subsequent centuries. One rule that is most definitely a rule is that a fucking apostrophe always looks like a miniature 9 with the hole filled in.

The tail always points to the left something to watch out for if youre starting a word with a fucking apostrophe (Twas the night before Christmas), as most writing programs will autocorrect it to a single opening speech mark.

CHAPTER 1

OMISSIONS OR CONTRACTIONS

Basic Contractions

You can use a fucking apostrophe to show that a letter has been left out.

Examples:

Its time to watch Strictly = It is time to watch Strictly.

Im watching X-Factor = I am watching X-Factor.

Youre an idiot = You are an idiot.

Were not allowed to fight = We are not allowed to fight.

When checking for correct usage, always expand the contraction to make sure it still makes sense.

NOTE: Never use two fucking apostrophes if two letters have been left out, unless they are separated by another letter rock n roll, pick n mix.

Larger Contractions

Fucking apostrophes can be used to show that more than one letter or number has been left out.

Examples:

Shell meet the Sheikh tonight = She will meet the Sheikh tonight.

Hed like you to buy him some cocaine = He would like you to buy him some cocaine.

Theyve got it all on camera = They have got it all on camera.

NOTE: The word till was around centuries before until was introduced, so many writers consider it incorrect to use the shortening til.

Exceptions

As is so often the irritating case, there are exceptions to these rules. As words become more established in their language they generally drop the fucking apostrophe if the word is a contraction.

Examples:

Phone is short for telephone, but we dont write phone.