Colin Nissan - Its Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

Text copyright 2021 by Colin Nissan. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Text originally published by McSweeneys Internet Tendency in 2009 (Its Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers) and 2015 (Its Rotting Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers).

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Names: Nissan, Colin, author.
Title: It's decorative gourd season, motherfuckers / by Colin Nissan.
Other titles: It is decorative gourd season, motherfuckers
Description: San Francisco : Chronicle Books, 2021.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021014507 | ISBN 9781797214757 (epub) | ISBN 9781797213668 (hc)
Subjects: LCSH: AutumnHumor.
Classification: LCC PN6231.A88 N57 2009 | DDC 508.202/07dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021014507

Design by Neil Egan.

IMAGES: COVER: Ali Efe Yilmaz/

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com

Its decorative gourd season, motherfuckers.

I dont know about y ou, but I cant W ait to get my hands on some fu b ing gour d s and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table.

That shit is going to look so seasonal. Im about to head up to the attic right now to find that wic k er fu b er, dust it o g , and jam it wi y an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked v egetables.

W h en my guests come over its gonna be like, BLAMMO ! Check out m y shellacked decorative vegetables, ass H oles.

Guess what season it isfucking f all. Theres a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fuckin G s Q uash.

I may even throw some multicolored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp o ctober breeze just blew through and f ucked that shit up.

z en Im going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking G ourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, Arent those gourds straining your neck?

And Im just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, Its fall, fuckfaces. Youre either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or youre not.

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diffrent Strokes specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation.

Well, this shit just got real, didnt it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: theyre both extremely fucking real. Sorry if thats upsetting, but Im not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

Z e next thing Im goin G to do is carve one of the longer G ourds into a perfect replica of the M ayflower as a shout-out to our P ilgrim fore f athers.

Z en Im going to do lines o f blow o g its hull with a hooker. Why? Because its not summer, its not winter, and its not sprin G .

Grab a calendar and pull your fuckin g H eads out of your asses; its fall, f uckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hangin g from their cei l ing?

Well then youre going to fucking love my house. Just look where youre walking or youll get k Od by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above.

And when you do, youre going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

f or now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some ta X ered overalls, and a flo P py fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuc k heads!