Colin Nissan - Dont Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didnt

Don't Be That Guy is for anyone who's ever looked across the room and said, Is it me, or is that guy a complete ass? In these pages you'll find validation that he is, in fact, a complete ass, and feel justified in pointing and laughing at him.

You'll also gain a better understanding of the friends, colleagues, boyfriends, brothers, and husbands in your liveswhile dramatically improving your ability to mock them.

This book is also for the guys themselves. The ones who make us shake our heads at all the annoying little things they do. To all of you, consider this book a friendly full-length mirror: an honest little reflection to help you see the bonehead we all see in you.

Now, there is one caution worth mentioning before you get started. You may find yourself reading along and chuckling at the ironic truth of these insights, when suddenly the laughter stops.

You turn the page and see something that isn't funny at all: you.

This can happen unexpectedly, and can hurt a little. But don't be alarmed, there's a whole new guy to ridicule on the next page. If, however, it's you again well, apparently you've got some stuff to sort out.

We get it. You're very attractive. Your chest and abs are well-defined. Your skin is tanned and, dare I say, supple.

It must be nice to live in your world, actually looking forward to opportunities to unveil your Aryan genealogy.

We, on the other hand, are pear-shaped. We have bacne, outee belly buttons, and weird nipples.

Our bodies aren't something we're eager to showcase. In fact, it wasn't long ago that we became comfortable swimming shirtless.

So let's all just take a moment to memorize our teammates faces. There are only five of us; it shouldn't be too hard.

Exactly how much of a hindrance would a towel around your waist be while you shave or clean your ears?

Even when you weigh yourself, couldn't you just deduct a pound to account for the extra weight?

I think you could.

It seems you've found yourself a nice little loophole in the anti-exhibitionism laws of our great country.

Good for you, nude gym guy.

And pretty freaking awful for us.

It's always great to see a guy offering up friendly encouragement at the gym.

Except when it's to himself.

An under-your-breath rep count is perfectly understandable, but here's what we don't want to hear:

Come on Jimmy, come on buddy, pump that shit, that's it, fuckin pump it, bitch! You feel that burn? You feel that shit? Yeah you do Jimmy! Yeah you do!!

The funny thing is, this self-pep talk would work just as well if you think it.

But it's not about that, is it, Jimmy?

While there are very few benefits to being plus-sized, there are fleeting moments of grandeur.

Like when you're sitting next to an eighty-five-pound Japanese kid at a hot-dog-eating contest.

There isn't an anatomical or psychological reason for you to lose here.

You should win, then eat himpartly to send a message, and partly because you could still use a little something.

So unless you want all those hours at Sizzler to be in vain, I suggest you start shoveling some weenies down your throat.

Your ability to retain such a wealth of information is truly amazing. Your inability to shut your pie-hole, however, is infuriating.

No one asked how many triple-doubles LeBron had last season.

No one asked how many touchdowns Manning threw for in 2004.

But you still tell us. And tell us.

Hey, in the spirit of sports trivia questions, here's one for you:

Who's about to get a right uppercut to the nuts?

Aren't you just capital A adorable, as you struggle through the most impractical exercise partnership on the planet?

Hauling those forty-five-pound plates on and off the bar every two minutes.

Constantly readjusting each machine to account for your twelve-inch height difference.

It's a lot of work.

Not only that, but you and Cuddlebums are on a very short road to Stifleville.

Living, eating, and sleeping together are just about all most relationships can handle.

In all the years since we've known you, we haven't seen you punch a single person, let alone brush someone off with one of those roundhouse kicks we've been hearing so much about.

All we ever see you do is stretch out. And reason with people.