Kitty Flanagan - More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts

Kitty Flanagan is one of Australias best-known comedians. She appears on TV occasionally but spends most of her time touring the country doing stand-up.

She has two dogs, one cat and a dishwasher that she loves more than all of her pets combined. Her favourite food is soup. More Rules for Life is her third book.

Bridge Burning & other hobbiesa collection of funny true stories

488 Rules for Life:

The thankless art of being correct

Neither the author nor the publisher has any connection with either Jordan Peterson, the author of 12 Rules for Life, or the publisher of that book, and readers must not interpret anything in this book as giving rise to any such connection.

First published in 2021

Copyright Kitty Flanagan 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin
83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100
Email:
Web: www.allenandunwin.com

ISBN 978 1 76106 661 0
eISBN 978 1 76106 336 7

Cover design, internal design and illustrations by Tohby Riddle
Index by Garry Cousins
Set by Bookhouse, Sydney

For Jazzy, my long-suffering,
rule-abiding unicorn xx

When 488 Rules for Life was published, I thought I had covered everything. About a week later, new rules started popping into my head and I realised I still had so much more to give. Then Covid-19 hit and the world spiralled out of control. There were no rules for a pandemic, the government was floundering and I knew I had to step up. So thats what this book is: rules I forgot the first time, rules for the grave new world were living in, plus some rules I considered a little too savage for the original book. More Rules for Life is for true aficionados, people who want and appreciate boundaries; its not for easygoing folks with a whatever will be, will be attitude. The warning is on the cover, this is a book for enthusiasts.

It may have been a while since you read 488 Rules for Lifeor perhaps youve never read it, in which case, interesting choice to pick up the second book first. No judgement. Either way, I thought it might be a good idea to remind everyone that these books are a joke. It seems obvious to me, but these days disclaimers are necessary as so many people have lost their sense of humour and replaced it with a sense of outrage.

So remember, I wrote the rules to entertain you, not to enrage you. If I get it wrong occasionally or if, god forbid, I offend you, theres no need to call for my head on a spike. Just turn the page. Or do what I do when I get annoyed by a bookfrisbee it across the room (preferably into a wall) then stick it in one of those street libraries full of germy books no one wants. Thats not only cathartic but also a truly insidious way to leave a review and make your point without shouting or raising your blood pressure.

Unlike the original book, there are no sealed sections in this volume; however, there are special pandemically relevant sections peppered throughout. These are clearly marked so you can avoid them if the very mention of Covid-19 makes you want to wade into the river with rocks in your pocket, Virginia Woolfstyle. Please dont do thatsimply skip the grey pages instead.

And, once again, I include a tidy reminder that none of these rules should ever be shouted at anyone. If you need to inform someone of a rule breach, let them know with a wink and a smile, maybe even a friendly shoulder chuck, Hey, old timer, great to see you staying active but Im going to need you to get down from there! Rule 520 says no old men on ladders. Thanks, chief! Always keep it courteous and lead by example. Now lets pick up where we left off at rule number 489

If you can see through them, that means everyone else can too. And when Im walking behind you and the sunlight hits your thinly veiled ass at a certain angle, dear god, its like Im wearing X-ray specs. While the see-through look may have been charming and innocent in that first pic of Lady Diana outside the preschool, its just plain confronting when its out on the streets jiggling in front of my face. This is not fat-shaming, because I dont care how much junk you have in your trunk as long as its covered by a generous thread count. Yoga pants should not provide a window to your soul.

Less of a rule and more of a challenge.

Seriously, gents, you carry on as if this game is beyond the rest of us mere mortals. You also seem to think your clubs are delicate, sentient beings that need special knitted hats to keep their heads warm. I understand that the ball is small but its also sitting completely still. In most other sports the ball moves all over the place, meaning you have to chase it down in order to catch it or hit it. If golf was really such a difficult sport, there wouldnt be so many old people playing it. The only hard thing about golf is finding the time and money you need to play it.

Wait, dont jump on social media and cancel me, let me finish: its okay to say you dont like women playing football, provided you dont like men playing football either. Otherwise, keep quiet.

Unless, of course, youre hunting a fellow hunter who also has a gun. Now youve got yourselves a contest.

You actually do yourself a disservice by putting an oversized television in a regular-sized room. If you cant physically sit far enough away from the TV, your eyeballs wont be able to take in the whole screen. Youll find yourself constantly scanning left and right, up and down, in order to see everything thats happening. The exact reason none of us want to sit in the front row at the cinema. So unless you live in a stadium or youre planning to knock through from your living room to the garage to create some distance, theres really no need for a billboard-sized telly.