Kitty Flanagan - 488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct

488 Rules For Life 2020 Kitty Flanagan. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing

a division of Andrews McMeel Universal

1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

ISBN: 978152486834-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020942137

First published in 2019 by Allen & Unwin, Australia

Original design by Tohby Riddle.

Design of U.S. edition: Sierra S. Stanton

Editorial adaptation: Lucas Wetzel and Kevin Kotur

Production: Margaret Daniels and Cliff Koehler

Digital Production: Kristen Minter

Neither the author nor the publisher has any connection with either Jordan Peterson, the author of 12 Rules for Life, or the publisher of that book, and readers should assume no such connection.

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For Marmee

Contents

A Word from the Author

For the benefit of my North American readers, Id like to explain two things. Firstly, I am an Australian comedian. Hopefully that will account for any odd references or language that might have slipped through the net. Secondly, this book was never supposed to be a real book. It was just a joke. An idea I came up with for a comedy segment on a TV show out here in Australia.

Inspired by Jordan Petersons best-selling book, 12 Rules for Life, I went on air and declared that Mr. Peterson should have tried harder. Who has only twelve rules? For life? Man, Ive got twelve rules just for the bathroom. I then presented my own book called 488 Rules for Life . We even mocked up the book and made a promotional video, which you can view online if you enjoy origin stories.

After the segment went to air, people started going into bookshops trying to buy this non-existent book. Turns out its not just me who loves rules. Eventually one business-savvy bookseller contacted me to suggest I actually write the damn book so they could sell it. So I did. And here it is. But make no mistake, this book is still a joke. Even I admit that 488 is a lot of rules and Im aware that no one is going to like all of the rules, but Im pretty sure everyone will like some of the rules. And when you do hit a rule that resonates, youll be surprised at how good it makes you feel. Its strangely comforting to know that youre not alone in being annoyed and irritated by those silly little things.

I think, deep down, people are crying out for rules. Once it was commonplace to look to published guides for advice on behavior, protocol, and etiquette. Guides produced by recognized authorities, such as Debretts in the United Kingdom and Emily Post in the United States.

But these days there is no such Miss Manners type guide in circulation. Perhaps that accounts for the rise in rude behavior and the increasing lack of basic courtesy in the modern world. If people dont know what the rules are, how are they supposed to abide by them?

Which is why I say, Thank god for me. Now, with this comprehensive reference book at your fingertips, there can be no excuse for bad behavior. Whenever youre unsure about the right way to behave, whenever you want to know what not to do in any situation, simply turn to 488 Rules for Life . The answer is bound to be in here somewhere.

How to Use This Book

This book is divided into sections, and within each section you will find a range of rules. Some are fairly basic, things that everyone should already know; others are more specific and are for the people I call genuine rule enthusiasts. And occasionally you will come across rules so particular and persnickety that only absolute zealots like myself will be able to get on board. I have separated these into special sealed sections so that the more tolerant reader can avoid them easily.

Whatever level of rule disciple you are, know that reading this book and observing these rules will definitely make the world a nicer place. I also guarantee you will be better looking and better informed; in fact, youll be a better human overall. So think of it as a self-help book, only you dont have to give up sugar, buy expensive exercise equipment, or keep a diary of your dreams. All you have to do is speak up when you see someone breaking the rules. A gentle but friendly reminder is all it takes: Hey buddy! Rule number no sunglasses on the back of your neck, thanks man, just letting you know. Theres no need to be rude or confrontational about it keep it light. Remember, like me, youre here to help.

THE FUNDAMENTAL RULE

If you dont agree with a rule, forget about it ; move on to the next one

Whatever you do, dont get angry and start bleating on social media about how it would be impossible to live your life by these 488 rules. Thats not what this book is about.

AROUND THE HOME

General house rules

Football jerseys are not art

Dont frame them. And definitely dont hang them on the wall.

Dont waste your money on surround sound

Nobody cares, guys. And I say guys because it is usually guys who insist on surround sound. When Im watching TV, I find it weird if the sound isnt coming from the television. After all, the person walking on the television is on the television , in front of me, so its really creepy to hear footsteps behind me or, indeed, all around me.

Same goes for those elaborate sound systems that people (again, usually men) install. The ones where they wire up the entire house with speakers in every room so they can pipe their tunage throughout. Its not a department store, its just your house; you dont need the music to follow you around wherever you go. Spend your money on nice deli meat instead.

You dont need a media room or home theater

Just watch television in the living room like a normal person.
Or go to the movies.

Supersizing is for beverages, not family portraits

There are many businesses that will blow up your family photo onto an enormous canvas, but that doesnt mean you should get one. A few regular-sized photos will do just fine; you dont want to turn your living room into some kind of in-memoriam shrine.

Dont complain about your housekeeper

Having a housekeeper is one of lifes greatest luxuries, and if you can afford one you should be extremely grateful. And no matter how lax you might think your cleaner is, remember, its still better than mopping your own kitchen floor or scrubbing your own bathroom and pulling your own disgusting hair-monster out of the drain.