Kitty Pusskin - How to Be a Cat: Kitty Pusskins Guide to Living with Humans and Getting the Upper Paw

First published in Great Britain in 2016 by
Michael OMara Books Limited
9 Lion Yard
Tremadoc Road
London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Mark Leigh 2016

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-78243-492-4 in hardback print format
ISBN: 978-1-78243-491-7 in e-book format

Designed and typeset by Design 23

All photos from Shutterstock, apart from those of the author, Sophy Maudsley

Illustrations by Gillian Johnson

www.mombooks.com

Youre a cat. Once you get over the fact that you usually have to sleep on the floor and eat from a bowl, youll realize its not such a bad life. Theres a lot of sleep, considerable mouse maiming and, of course, that sweet, sweet catnip. The biggest issue we have (apart from shouty dogs) is living with people. As a cat you have to realize that its not enough merely to coexist with humans; you have to immediately adopt the position of alpha male or female of the pack. And by pack, I mean the family you live with. Dogs usually demonstrate this status by growling and being aggressive, but for cats, the keyword is subtlety. The two main ways to express our clear supremacy in the household are by ignoring any sort of command whatsoever and by adopting a look that is in equal parts pity, arrogance, ambivalence and scorn. Its what I call having the right catitude.

And thats where this book comes in. Much more than simply a comprehensive A-to-Z guide, How to Be a Cat shows you exactly how to demonstrate this air of superiority in all aspects of your behaviour, whether its being fickle, demonstrating a complete and utter disregard for the concept of blame or constantly trying to trip people on the stairs.

These invaluable insights are drawn from my own extensive experience and also from consulting with my many four-legged pals. You can read their views and advice in Cat Chat, a series of personal observations dotted throughout the book.

If youre worried about how exactly a family pet can gain the upper paw over the humans, just think about your moggy heritage. The fact we were worshipped by the Ancient Egyptians, stroked by Bond villains and associated with witches makes us revered, evil and mysterious in equal measures. And if people dont respect this fierce reputation, remember this crucial piece of advice for your relationship with humans: dont recognize them as owners; treat them as staff.

Kitty Pusskin

Surrey, England

Cats loitering or sleeping in alleyways arent necessarily homeless strays or feral. They might just be hanging around these often unsavoury places to impress female cats. After all, who can resist a bad boy?

One of the best things about being a cat is that the moment you enter your home, you automatically become the alpha male or female of your human family.

How? You just do.

Because being superior is genetically programmed into our feline DNA, you dont have to be aggressive, scratchy or hissy to prove whos boss. Being the alpha male or female gives you certain automatic rights:

The right to go through all doors in front of a human

The right to go up and down stairs in front of a human

The right to make any warm and soft surface your bed

The right to ignore any command

Its essential that you exercise these rights on a daily basis otherwise, as ridiculous as it seems, one of the humans might get it into their head that theyre actually better than you (or at least your equal).

Of course, being alpha male or female also means getting your own way in any number of situations. Try this simple test to see if youre really King Kitty.

Are you the alpha male or alpha female of the family?

What do you call the main human in your household?

A. Master or Mistress

B. Owner

C. That schmuck

Where do you sleep each night?

A. On the landing

B. On my owners bed

C. In my owners bed

How do you react when your owners go out?

A. I feel sad and lonely

B. I sleep or play with my toys. Every now and then I might look out of the window or wander into the street to see if theyre coming home

C. Theyve gone out? Really? I hadnt noticed

How do you usually walk downstairs?

A. Behind my owner

B. In front of my owner

C. Any way that constitutes the maximum tripping hazard

When you see a roast-chicken dinner on the table, what do you think?

A. I hope my owners give me a morsel

B. Mine. All mine!

C. I dont bother to think. I just jump

How do you respond when your owner asks, Whos a good kitty?

A. I am! I am! I am! I am!

B. Its me. Im the good kitty!

C. You talkin to me? You talkin to ME?

When your owner shouts for you to get down, what is your immediate reaction?

A. Of course. Right away!

B. In my own good time

C. Youre kidding, right?!

RESULTS

Mainly As

Youre more of a pussy than a cat. Grow some! (A human figure of speech, and especially ironic if youve just been neutered.)

Mainly Bs

While not alpha status at the moment, adopting a surlier attitude, stealing food off plates and exhibiting even more ambivalence towards any command will help you grow into this role.

Mainly Cs

With that combination of self-assurance and arrogance, when it comes to exerting your authority on the household, youre definitely the Cats Whiskers.

If you were to play a cat-themed word-association game, you might come up with descriptive words like sophisticated and superior, perhaps also graceful and elegant. Words that shouldnt come to mind are anal glands and pungent. However, unfortunately, these too are part and parcel of feline life.