Maxwell Woofington - How to Be a Dog: Maxwell Woofingtons Guide to Living with Humans and Getting the Upper Paw

First published in Great Britain in 2015 by

Michael OMara Books Limited

9 Lion Yard

Tremadoc Road

London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Mark Leigh 2015

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-78243-417-7 in hardback print format

ISBN: 978-1-78243-419-1 in e-book format

Designed and typeset by Ana Bjezancevic

All photos from Shutterstock, apart from those of the author, Mark Leigh

Illustrations by Gillian Johnson

www.mombooks.com

CONTENTS

Youre a dog. We all know its demeaning to have to eat from a bowl on the floor and pee in the street in public. Get over it. Once you deal with these realities of life, the most important thing to learn is not just how to co-exist with humans, its how to ensure you become the alpha male or female of the pack. And by pack, I mean the family you live with. And thats where this book comes in.

Much more than simply a comprehensive A-to-Z guide to life as mans best friend, How to Be a Dog also gives advice on how to put up with humans and manipulate them into doing exactly what you want. The secret? All it takes is a combination of dogged determination, canine cunning and good old-fashioned guilt, using your puppy-dog eyes as often as possible to get humans completely under your thumb (well, if you had thumbs, that is).

These invaluable insights are drawn from my own experiences and also from consulting with my many four-legged pals. You can read their views and observations in the series of Canine Comments that appear throughout the book.

If youre worried about making the transformation from a pet who is at its owners beck and call to one that reaches the dizzy heights of Top Dog, let me leave you with just one thought: if you were out and saw two creatures and one of them pooped, and the other then carried the poop, who would you think was in charge?

Maxwell Woofington

Surrey, England

By the time this book is published, Ill be seven and a half, which in human years is forty-five years old. That means Im the exact doggy equivalent of Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon and Gerard Butler. Helloooooooo, ladies!

Now, at this point youre probably saying, Hold on a mo, 7 x 7 = 52. That Maxwell Woofington is always lying about his age! But Im not.

The idea that you simply multiply your dog age by seven to convert it into human years is wrong. Theres no universal formula It all depends on your breed, weight and life expectancy. For example, a dachshund exactly the same age as me would be about forty-two in human years, while an Irish wolfhound would be sixty-four. And sorry, Great Danes: if youre the same age as me, then in human years youre, well lets just say youd better get your affairs in order.

Theres only room for one dominant male or female in your household and that needs to be you.

Thats why its vital, as soon as you can in your relationship with your human family, to show your owners just whos boss. By this I dont mean angrily growling every time they give you a command or nipping their fingers when they try and take away your favourite chew toy. That wont necessarily show them whos boss. In fact, it could very well show them whos going to be taken to the animal shelter.

Remember, dominance doesnt have to mean aggression. One of the best ways to assert your position as alpha male or female is by making sure you get your own way.

Try this simple test to see if youre really Top Dog.

Are you the alpha male or alpha female of the family?

How many commands do you obey?

A. Most of them

B. Half of them

C. Meh

What do you call the main human in your household?

A. Master or Mistress

B. Owner

C. That schmuck

Where do you sleep each night?

A. On the landing

B. On my owners bed

C. In my owners bed

How do you signal to your owner that you want to go outside?

A. I dont. I go out when he allows me to

B. Run around in circles and bark

C. I just give them that look

When are you taken for walkies?

A. When my owner decides its time

B. Twice a day

C. Thirty seconds after I stare at my leash and start barking my head off

Where do you travel in the car?

A. In the boot, behind a dog guard

B. On the back seat, secured by a safety belt

C. Car? Good luck getting me in one of those!

How do you respond when your owner asks, Whos a good boy?

A. I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!

B. Its me. Im the good boy!

C. You talkin to me? You talkin to ME?

How do you react when your owners go out?

A. I lie by the front door and whine

B. I sleep or play with my toys. Every now and then I might look out of the window

C. Theyve gone out? I hadnt noticed

RESULTS

Mainly As

Youre more of a pussy than a dog. Grow some! (A human figure of speech, and especially ironic if youve just been neutered.)

Mainly Bs

While not alpha status at the moment, adopting a surlier attitude, stealing food off plates and exhibiting ambivalence towards the concept of fetch will help you grow into this role.

Mainly Cs

With that combination of self-assurance and arrogance, when it comes to exerting your authority on the household, youre definitely Best in Show.

See also

To be frank (and its difficult not to be when discussing our anuses), anal glands are a complete pain in the arse. To make them sound less unpleasant, your owner might refer to them as scent glands, but however you wrap them up, theyre the same thing: two small paired sacs either side of the anus that empty out a liquid containing pheromones, which allow us to mark our territory.