Kitty Flanagan - The Rules for Life Omnibus

Neither the author nor the publisher has any connection with either Jordan Peterson, the author of 12 Rules for Life, or the publisher of that book, and readers must not interpret anything in this book as giving rise to any such connection

This combined edition published in 2022

First published in 2019 as 488 Rules for Life and 2021 as More Rules for Life.

Copyright Kitty Flanagan 2019, 2021, 2022

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin

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Crows Nest NSW 2065

Australia

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Allen & Unwin acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Country on which we live and work. We pay our respects to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Elders, past and present.

ISBN 978 1 76106 641 2

eISBN 978 1 76118 594 6

Internal design and illustrations by Tohby Riddle

Set by Bookhouse, Sydney

Cover design and illustration: Tohby Riddle

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kitty Flanagan is one of Australias best-known comedians. When shes not touring the country doing stand-up, you can see her on the much-loved news quiz show Have You Been Paying Attention? and the AACTA award-winning comedy, Fisk.

Kitty has two dogs and a cat. She lives in Melbourne because the humidity in Sydney wreaks havoc with her hair. She is not nearly as superficial as that last sentence suggests. Her favourite word is gubernatorial. Her favourite appliance is the dishwasher.

Also by Kitty Flanagan

Bridge Burning & other hobbiesa collection of funny true stories

This book is dedicated to my dad, cos I know hell get a kick out of the word omnibus.

This book started out as a five-minute segment on ABC TVs The Weekly program, it was inspired by the bestselling book 12 Rules for Life and it was a joke. I took issue with the fact that author, Jordan Peterson, only had twelve rules. Twelve? For life? Thats madness, I have more than twelve rules just for the bathroom.

After the segment aired, I kept being stopped by people wanting to know where they could buy this book (that didnt actually exist). It was suddenly apparent that I wasnt the only crackpot out there who loves rules. So I decided to do the book for real. But its still a joke. Even I admit that I have a lot of rules and obviously no one will like all of the rules, but Im pretty sure everyone will like some of the rules. And when you do hit a particular rule that resonates, it will make you feel really goodyoull enjoy the fact that someone else gets as annoyed or outraged or exhausted by the same things you do.

If, by some chance, you manage to read the entire book and dont find a single rule you agree with and instead keep thinking, I dont get why shes so irritated by people? Why cant she just live and let live? thats okay, thats your prerogative as long as you understand you are probably really annoying a lot of people around you with your unbearable positivity and your I love everything attitude.

I think, deep down, people are crying out for rules. Once it was commonplace to look to published guides for advice on behaviour, protocol and etiquette. Guides produced by recognised authorities, such as Debretts in the United Kingdom and Emily Post in the United States. Even in Australia we had our very own Miss Manners, the formidable June Dally-WatkinsI met her once, she didnt say hello, she just looked me up and down and told me in no uncertain terms I should never wear a white bra under a white shirt. Always nude, dear, always nude.

But these days there is no such guide in circulation, and I believe the rise in rude behaviour and the lack of basic courtesy we are witnessing in the modern world is quite possibly due to ignorance. If you dont know the rules, how are you supposed to abide by them?

Which is why I say, thank god for me. Now, with this comprehensive reference book at your fingertips, there can be no excuse for bad behaviour. Whenever youre unsure about the right way to behave, whenever you want to know what not to do in any given situation, simply turn to The Rules for Life. The answer is bound to be in here somewhere.

This book is divided into sections and within each section you will find a range of rules. Some are fairly basic, things that everyone should already know; others are more specific and are for the people I call genuine rule enthusiasts. And occasionally you will come across rules so particular and persnickety that only absolute zealots like myself will be able to get on board. I have separated these into special sealed sections so that the more tolerant reader can avoid them easily.

Whatever level of rule disciple you are, know that reading this book and observing these rules will definitely make the world a nicer place. I also guarantee you will be better looking and better informed; in fact, youll be a better human overall. So think of it as a self-help book, only you dont have to give up sugar, buy expensive exercise equipment or keep a diary of your dreams. All you have to do is speak up when you see someone breaking the rules. A gentle but friendly reminder is all it takes: Hey buddy! Rule number 266no sunglasses on the back of your neck, cheers mate, just letting you know. Theres no need to be rude or confrontational about it, keep it lightremember, like me, youre here to help.

And finally, even though it seems obvious to me, its probably worth mentioning that I wrote these rules to entertain you, not to enrage you. If I get it wrong occasionally, or if, god forbid, I offend you, theres no need to call for my head on a spike. Instead, why not stick the book in one of those germy street libraries full of books nobody wants. Thats not only cathartic but also a truly insidious way to leave a review and make your point without shouting or raising your blood pressure.

If you dont agree with a rule, forget about it, move on to the next one

Whatever you do, dont get angry and start bleating on social media about how it would be impossible to live your life by these rules. Thats not what this book is about.